Conrad LIED!

Apparently.
Our team at the Halfway House pub quiz won again, the third time in a row.  So much for claims about "going out to lose", eh?

The Halfway House.  Because it's halfway up Tandle Hill

     However, put your indignation aside, gentle reader, for this was the last quiz at the pub for an indeterminate time - the mighty Harry Davies, Quizmaster and ignorer of all things PC, is giving up the job.  Not only that, Diana and Mark, landlady and landlord, are also moving on and having a break from the publican lifestyle.

Harry.  With some bitches (as he would most definitely have said!)

     Fickle and transient*, we now plan to head for the Pleasant Inn's Thursday night pub quiz, which is a bother as it is a much smaller venue, and other teams from the Halfway House may have similar ideas.
     Also last night was a rather late finish - "Play Your Cards Right" was played by 14 teams until somebody won the pot, which took until 11:45.

TWTIK**
As ever, there are amusing incidents amongst the horrors of trench warfare in this recounting of the 2nd Royal Welch Fusiliers - which unit you already knew about because you read BOOJUM! regularly, right?  Right?!
     Item the first was when some of these Welsh soldiers went abroad in a French town, seeking "Patè".  They returned and then produced half a tin of pink paste and asked the unit doctor if it was "all right", having eaten the other half.  He identified it as "Pâte", not a meat paste.  
     It was metal polish.

Polish Metal.  Close enough

     Then there was a mild gas attack, fumes wafting into the battalion's billets from a more distant engagement.  Dr. Dunn, the author, asleep in an upstairs bedroom, woke up when the gas gong sounded, decided he was out of reach in the upper storey and promptly went back to sleep.  A man of some nerve.  This vapourous assault was hoped to see off the local rat population which were much detested - one officer being awoken in his dugout by the hideous spectacle of two rats mating atop his blanket.


"As Above So Below"
Now, this is how to promote a film!  Conrad spotted the advert and it immediately caught both his eye and his imagination.

You can't deny this looks interesting

Unfortunately the IMDB blurb reduces it to a thriller in the sewers - and we've had so many of those already, haven't we? - but, dammit, it's a hell of a lot more appealing than that "Lucy" poster.  

Maltodextrose
Yes, a product of Conrad standing waiting for the bus whilst the Atlantic Ocean moved itself from the seabed and into the skies over Manchester.  Again, I apologise for Oscar*** producing this one.  De profundis, you might say.
     What is it?  A sugar that features in human metabolism, and also a mixture of dextrose, maltose and dextrins that is used in confectionery - so it might have come to my attention yesterday whilst blathering on about liquorice.

Walt and Dexter.  Close enough

Today's Metaphorical Metro-Mashing
I know, BOOJUM! ought not to venture into current affairs, but there are certain constants in the ghastly incestuous world of celebrity gossip, agents, promotions, publicity and the press that have existed for decades.  
     Today's storm in a teacup - no, actually, make that a light drizzle in a thimble^ - concerns Cheryl Whoosit-Whatsit, who bears a remarkable resemblance to Cheryl Cole.  Does she have a sister?  Remember Danni Minogue piggybacked her way to fame on the name of her sister, despite having no obvious talent for anything except "being Australian". 

D. Minogue sans make-up or Photoshop

     Anyway, Cheryl.  There is some blather in the article, which consists of an attempt to make no-news sound like the secret of immortality, peace on earth and how to get chewing-gum off seats all rolled into one.  This, you see, is how these people operate.
     Sharks.  That's what they remind Conrad of, sharks.  No!  Not that they have sharp teeth and eat people^^, just that a shark has to keep moving to have water circulate through it's respiratory system.  If a shark stops swimming, it dies.
     So too this endless parade of people with no other talent than being able to shake their arse - Richard Feynman I'm looking at you!^^ - has to keep their faces in the press, otherwise the public will forget about them in 75 seconds or less.

Cheryl.  Cheryl Coal.

The Great British Bake Off
This, dear audience, is why the blog is later tonight.  Conrad was forced - forced! I tell you! -  to watch the last episode~. 
     I made notes.
     First up, the "Self-Saucing Pudding", a pudding that produces it's own sauce, either by having a filling placed in the middle of two batches of batter (the fondant method), or by having it rise up and deposit the "sauce at the bottom".  Surprisingly Sue Perkins did not come out with a smutty one-liner about this - probably distracted by something with chocolate in it.

Sue, obviously a big fan of Star Trek.

     Next is the horrible Technical Challenge, where 80% of a recipe is provided and the hapless bakers have to try and come up with the goods.  This was a Tiramisu Cake, a multi-layer effort where splitting the sponge horizontally was verrrrry tricky, and getting definition and soaking the layers properly proved a hard task indeed.
     The Showstopper was a Baked Alaska - ice-cream over a sponge  and under a meringue shell, with a 4 1/2 hour deadline.  The bakers had to make their ice-cream from scratch, and having done this himself Conrad knows this takes hours to manage successfully.  Not only that, the sponge needs to be completely cool or it will melt the ice-cream. Nor is that all - bakers were finishing off their meringue with blowtorches - and what lies under the meringue?  Ice cream!

I Scream

     Lots of contestants, and Mary Berry also, mentioned how hot it was in the tent - but there doesn't appear to be any air-conditioning.  When the temperature reaches 25OC, this is going to impact people making a cake with ice cream the core ingredient!

Finally
As ever, Conrad ruthlessly exploits the cute to promote blog traffic.

Edna, feeling unloved because she couldn't slurp tea dregs out of a cup

*  Like lunar phenomena.  You will know about these IF YOU READ THE BLOG!
** "The War The Infantry Knew", author Capt. JC Dunn, 1938
***  My long-term memory. Yes, we are on first-name terms.
^  A small device worn over the thumb whilst sewing.  Trust me - it's small.
^^ Remember the Weasel Shark, which is too small to eat people. A whole person, anyway.
^^^  An hilariously ironic reference to probably the 2nd cleverest man ever.
~ Mister Hand would like to point out that this is a lie.  Conrad takes no forcing at all to watch GBBO