First line of page 692, Vintage 1998 edition. It's taken completely out of context, though it does sound rather impressive, doesn't it?
Conrad is somewhat relieved to see traffic figures back to more normal totals as of today, since the pressure of being under so many eyes - the pressure, darling, the pressure!
There, I'm all better now. Not only that, I've managed to fiddle about with an application called "Picasa". Oh Lord you're in for it now -
The Evil Of Cats
As any cat owner* knows, cats have an unerring instinct for sitting exactly where they're not wanted. Yesterday, as I diligently scribed away at the kitchen table, Jenny came to say hello, then stayed to see how she could incrementally encroach on my book and notepad. She lay over my right arm, happily purring, so I could still write - just - with more exertion than usual. Then, however, unsatisfied that I could still write, she started to try chewing my pen. At this point she got shifted, bodily.
Let us illustrate The Evil Of Cats by remembering my late rucksack:
You what?
I persuaded Darling Daughter to come shopping last week, not that she needed much persuasion since she could say "Can we have this?" "Can we have this as well?" and, her favourite, "Our lives will be meaningless and drear without this!"
So she chose a pizza. This will hopefull get et before it goes mouldy (Conrad might even have to eat it himself, o the humanity)
Note that caption lower-left "Stuffed with tasty cheese".
Excuse me? What else would the cheese be? Bland? Tasteless? Disgusting? Essence-of-sweaty-sock flavoured? Admit it, Morrisons, you're padding out the adjectives here.
There, that's been bothering me since we bought it. I'm happy now.
More Of Football Club Names
Well, I still have a few club names to mess around with. Let us examine them.
Preston North End
This is a rather odd name. I used to live in Preston and the stadium, rather than being northern, is located pretty much in the middle of the town. Or - is this another case of two football clubs existing at one time, and Preston South End didn't survive or got amalgamated (can football clubs do this? I know Army regiments can)?
Brighton and Hove Albion
Again with the needless inclusion of "Albion" in a name! What, you think that the football-going public in England might be confused and wonder "Gosh I wonder if there's a club called "Brighton and Hove Caldeonia", better include -" No! Get on the case!
Bolton Wanderers
Eh what? How many football teams are there in Bolton? Exactly. One. Why, then, do they need to be pretentious and add the second name, "Wanderers"? It only opens them up to taunts about dementia and loose mental processes. Why not "United" or "Rovers" or even "Athletic" if you want to boast a little. Tut!
That's Quite Enough Of That!
The "that" in question being a bizarre poster that Conrad had to view at least twice before working out what it was i) representing and ii) advertising. Frankly, whoever holds the account ought to have stayed in the box, because Joe Public - the people they are being paid to persuade - would not give it a second-chance glance; the only reason Conrad did is because BOOJUM! is ever-hungry for material.
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| Call Childline! |
Super-hero Garb
Conrad actually has a lot of background information on what a real-life superhero crime-fighter would wear. A little of which:
Mask: this is essential kit. As your activities are illegal (you're not the police, remember?) you can't risk anyone identifying you. A whole hood is more secure than a small patch of cloth balanced across your nose (Batman versus The Spirit).
Cloak or Flowing Cape: Unwise, as evidenced in "The Incredibles". It may look cool as you leap from rooftop to rooftop, however it merely provides an additional snag risk, and allows your evil opponents more fabric to grab.
Gloves/gauntlets/giant metallic pincers: Gloves are vital for not leaving fingerprints behind, preventing the police from identifying you. Gauntlets are less flexible but allow you to put a real beating to the bad guys. Forget giant metallic pincers, you can't hold your Starbuck cup with them.
Muscle-Tone: why don't you see many flabby superheroes? Because those costumes/uniforms/fetishwear have fake muscles textured into them. Hey, it provides a bit of padding against feet, fists and truncheons, and it also makes you look more imposing. Those Villainous Henchmen will think twice about mixing it if you have a six-pack made of bronzed steel.
Gadget Belt: unless you're Superman, and thus possess super: strength, speed, invulnernabilty, breath, vision, hair, precision mechanical building skills, x-ray vision and souffle-baking, you will need gadgets. No, carrying them in a rucksack isn't a good idea. Jostling your detonator caps alongside bolt-cutters and acetylene torches is not going to end well. Gadget belt!
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| Yes it's a cape. He can fly with it, so that makes it okay. Anyway, are you going to argue with him? |
A bit of sunshine and our animal menagerie dozes off in the light
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| A rare moment of stillness in any picture featuring Edna |
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