It's because of my knife. Only a small 4" serrated-blade one from Ikea, I find it handy and convenient to carry it around in my shirt pocket. Because it's out of my line of sight, I frequently forget about it, only to be reminded by all the trembling sissies that I work with that it's sticking out of my pocket. Gasp! The horror!
Look, I've been doing it for two years now and not suffered a scratch.
That's not good enough?
Okay, okay, feast your glazzies^ on this precaution, then:
 |
| "I'm not "Stab Man! I'm not "Knifey Boy"!" |
That's Quite Enough Of That!
The "that" in question is another car on another hoarding. May I present the Ford Kuga.
 |
| In German at no extra cost. Don't I spoil you! |
Allow me to christen it the "Ford Kugger", because, heck, "Kuga" is an artificial word that you can choose to pronounce any way you can. Yeah. The Ford Kugger. Rhymes with -*
Apropos Of Nothing
This film poster came up when I Googled about the Kugger - why, I have absolutely no idea. It's Polish, and Polish film posters have long been known for creative wierdness. That's young Harrison Ford looking more like Richard Burton, and a very ratty-looking Edward Fox, with a very frightened Carl Weathers lurking at the rear.
 |
| All in a lovely bilious green |
Now, where were we before our Eastern European diversion? Ah yes. Punching the advertising agencies of this world squarely in the solar plexus**.
Coke - Happiness In A New Bottle. Allegedly
Behold the advert:
| The same price for less, yes? |
Look, it's carbonated water, flavoured with plantain extract, with some unholy artificial swill added for sweetness. How exactly is that "Happiness"? If it is, then you have a very low expectation for being happy. Conrad is happy when he has a 2-pint pot of tea on the go, with a dab of honey to sweeten it a little.
 |
| Coke. Happiness in a new 1.75 kg form. |
I only noticed once I'd got indoors.
Where did it come from! How did it get in my shoe, un-noticed and un-announced!
It's not that I'm scared of stones. Little rocks, ooooh yes, after watching "Apollo 18", and you never know when a little stone might turn -
- I'm scaring myself here, I'll stop right now.
 |
| Blue Oyster Cult. Hey, they're a Rock monster! |
A visual of this concept:
 |
| It goes from Rochdale to Ashton, but not on Sundays |
A visual of this concept:
| "It's been a long time, Jack, welcome back"*** |
Jack's Narration:
08:30 Alarm goes off. Shoot clock.
09:30 Police arrive. Show them my awesome CTU badge. Told off, nod, go back to bed.
10:30 God I love being on holiday and having a lie-in!
11:30 Shower, leave my artistic designer stubble on. Order a "Full English Breakfast"
12:30 God almighty, only just finished breakfast! I feel very English, i.e. full
13:00 Nap to sleep off breakfast
14:30 Have afternoon tea and scones with jam. Damn I could get used to this.
15:00 Go for stroll along Embankment. Wow. London, is, like reallllly old.
16:30 At Westminster. Any moment now a terrorist will arrive.
17:30 Any moment now.
18:30 Have now eaten 18 burgers from nearby stall, waiting. Stall owner now best friend
19:30 Give up on terrorists. Find nearest pub.
22:00 Am now what locals call "the arse of a rat". Taxi back to hotel.
22:30 Order chips, burgers, kebab and pizza from night menu. Eat some, fall asleep.
01:45 Wake up in bed, still dressed. Have been sick on pillow. Throw pillow away.
04:16 Stub toe going to bathroom in the dark. Ring ex. Tell her I still love her.
06:37 Wake up on toilet. Bed too far away. Lie on bathroom rug.
08:30 Mobile alarm rings. End of this series.
* "Jugger". As in "Salute To The Jugger". Why, what did you think it would rhyme with?
** Conrad, being an alien, doesn't have one, and in fact isn't entirely sure where you Hom Sap keep it.
*** A line from the fantastic Chameleon's, "Mad Jack" IIRC
^ It means "eyes", and it's "Nadsat" from "A Clockwork Orange". There. You are more literate already!
No comments:
Post a Comment