I Know What You're Thinking
'It's the number between eight and ten, consisting of three threes'. Well, yes, technically correct, except you omit an awful lot that comes under 'Nine' in my 'Brewer's Dictionary Of Phrase And Fable' and I thoroughly intend to explore all of them. Thus, if you don't feel nine is fine, you may repine. Art!
But if you do, stand ready for the Remote Nuclear Tormentor. You have ben warned.
ANYWAY whilst I was musing on 'Nine' I recalled a Lord Peter Wimsey novel, 'The Nine Tailors' and seemed to recollect that it was about bell-ringing; 'campanology' if we're being formal. Am I correct? Art!
Why of course I am! I'm pretty sure I got rid of the paperback because once I read a murder-mystery to the end, the solution sticks with me. So I cannot go back to it for years yet.
ANYWAY AGAIN let us begin
NINE MEN'S MORRIS: A peculiarly British game, like a variant of draughts (or checkers for our Trans-Atlantic members), coming in two variants: a board game or etched into grass. Art!
The aim is to get three 'men' in a row and prevent your opponent from getting three of his own in a row. It's been around for centuries and even the Barf Of Avon quotes it: "The fold stands empty in the drowned field
And crows are fatted with the murrion flock
The nine men's morris is fill'd up with mud"
(A Midsummer's Night's Dream 1595). From this we can tell that English weather in the sixteenth century was just as bad as it is now. Art!
NINE DAYS' QUEEN: Lady Jane Grey, 1537 - 1554. She was proclaimed Queen at the age of 15 on July 10th 1553 and was deposed nine days later, being succeeded by Bloody Mary. That's all Brewer's says about here, which is being a bit cheap, I expected more gore and conspiracy. I shall dig a bit further.
Ah, it's all tied up with religion. She was a committed Protestant, whereas her sister Mary The Bloody One was a committed Catholic. Jane was appointed Queen by the Privy Council as per the previous Kingie's orders. Then, nine days later they changed their fickle minds and deposed her, appointing Mary instead. She eventually un-alived Jane as she was seen as a dangerous rallying point for disaffected Protestants. That's how you add detail, Brewer's. Art!:
Yes yes yes I know there's only 7. DON'T QUIBBLE!
NINE TAILORS MAKE A MAN: Putting down all tailors, quite caddishly I think. The expression means it takes nine of them to make a Real Man, as it's not a Manly Trade like mining or steel welding, although they make good pallbearers.
The poet John Taylor manfully stood up for them.
"Some foolish knave, I think, at first began
The slander that three tailors make one man."
NINE TELLERS: Nope, nothing to do with South Canadian bank clerks or Customer Service Officers as they're probably called nowadays. No, 'Teller' means a single stroke of a funeral bell, which I shall prod Art to illustrate with -
???
Ah. Apparently there is a species of fungus known informally as the 'Funeral Bell'. Now we're all better informed than we were five minutes ago. Try again, Art!
Traditionally there were 3 tells for a child, 6 for a woman and 9 for a man. I never knew that.
NINE DAYS WONDER: Meaning an event that arrives with a great deal of excitement and acclaim, which then rapidly dies away, becoming quickly forgotten. Brewer's adds in a rather reaching aphorism: "A wonder lasts nine days, and then the puppy's eyes are open", comparing public interest with puppies, which are born blind. They also quote the Barb Of Avon but he's had one quote already which is testing the elastic limit of my temper. Art!
Yes, it's a comic: '9th Wonders', an in-universe publication from the series 'Heroes'. That there is Hiro, who loses his memory whilst time-travelling, and whom uses the assorted comics to advise him of what is about to happen, as useful kind of life hack to have access to.
AS RIGHT AS NINEPENCE: One presumes they came up with this phrase pre-decimalisation. It means to be perfectly fine and healthy and in tip-top condition, and Brewer's claims it refers to silver ninepenny pieces that were given as love tokens. Hmmm. Seems a bit thin to me. Art!
Colour me unconvinced.
Aaaaaand that's enough nines for today.
Bunker Grandad Is Getting Sweaty
Yes, Putinpot must be feeling an unpleasant itch between his shoulder-blades as he wonders who might stab him in the back, whilst his neck is on a swivel watching for Ukrainian drones. Art!
Whatever Charlie Chipmunk Cheek's reason for the sacking, it doesn't look good, and the new commander, Colonel General Chaiko, now has mere days to get to grips with the air defences of Barad Duh. Thanks to Mordor via still attacking Ukraine with drones, the Kozaky are absolutely refusing to go with a truce on May 9th for the Victory Parade, despite Peter The Average declaring an unilateral truce. That's not how a truce works, Dimya you dimwit. Red Square has now been completely closed, there are protective anti-drone nets up and snipers, machine gunners and EW troops are already positioned on rooftops.
It's going to be a less than impressive event; no aircraft, no heavy vehicles and doubtless as rushed and short as possible. I doubt Putler will attend in person and instead send one of his lookey-likies, especially since he suspects his own siloviki might assassinate him with a drone and then blame Ukraine.
Bring on the buckets of popcorn!
I Hope You're Not Eating
Because this next will put you off your chips. Art!
Jesus Christ on a petrol-powered pogo stick, he looks like a chimpanzee, and a very sick chimpanzee at that. I really should keep track of where I get these images from, shouldn't I? Art!
Here we see King Piggy making very heavy weather indeed of walking in a straight line after getting off Marine One. This is as bad as the paretic red carpet shamble at Davos. Plus there's that laugh-inducing AI photo of him supposedly 'Jogging', having lost at least a hundred pounds. Art!
Where will I get all my content when he keels over dead? Imagine the work I'll have to do if Dimya dies as well.
The Smile On The Face Of The Tiger
For 'Tiger' read 'Employment Lawyer'. You'll see why in a minute.
Once upon a time, there was an OVerworked IT engineer, hereafter OVIT, working at a small company, which didn't care about Bus Factor One, which tells you immediately that they were a load of stupid cheapskates. Illness, injury, leave or going to live in a hermitage are all predictable outcomes in such a situation. Art!
Then manglement thought they'd get clever. They got OVIT to sit down and detail exactly what he did, giving him instructions about scope and responsibility. Shortly after this he was told he was being made redundant as the business was going to be outsourcing his job. Although, somewhat fishily, they kept any details of the company doing the outsourcing secret and didn't do any transition.
Freshly unemployed, OVIT goes looking for jobs after taking a week off to drink beer and eat pretzels. He finds a job that matches his old one but with an massive pay cut. He asks for a detailed job spec and is gobsnacked- like gobsmacked but worse - to see the job description he'd enthusiastically written for the company.
This means war! Art?
The tiger smiles
OVIT contacts an employment lawyer, who arranges a meeting with the C-suite manglement. He slides two pieces of paper across the desk at them: the job description and the advertised vacancy.
"I'm not here to argue if or how you broke redundancy law. I'm only here to establish how much settlement you are prepared to offer."
It took less than 60 minutes for the manglement to realise they were right royally lambasted and OVIT got 2 years of severance pay with medical and pension benefits. I suspect his legal fees were also paid, and whichever bumbletuck invented this plan 'left to spend more time with his family.'
Finally -
Phew. Just walked up to the Polling Station to vote, and then took Edna for trotties, 6,000 steps in. Go me!
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