First Of All
I would like to refer you to the word 'Swat', and if we prod Art into a state of semi-sentience with this epée hooked up to a car battery -
May I introduce you to one of Edgar Lear's more satirical poems. You see, back in 1873 when he wrote 'The Ahkond of Swat', the British Raj was still in full play and the river Swat was still part of India. The Ahkond was the ruler of this particular corner of Empire, and Ol' Ed went on at length pondering about his features and status, rather milking the Oriental Exoticism theme. Art!
For your information, the Swat is now in Pakistan.
ANYWAY we're going off on a tangent here, and I wanted to get back to the verb 'Swat', which my 'Collins Concise English Dictionary' informs is of northern English dialect origin, coming from 'Squat'. It means 'To strike or hit sharply', and - sorry? It's a variety of fencing sword, if you must know. Art!
Remember that definition, because it's pretty apt. Art!
We now approach the meat of the matter. Enter 'S.W.A.T.', which stands for '
The HK UMP is one ugly gun
S.W.A.T. do not do boring regular stuff like radar traffic stops, doing presentations in schools or wellness checks. Their stock in trade is counter-terrorism, barricaded suspects or hostage rescue. You know, cool shizzle.
And so we come to another 'Ripe' Youtube channel annotation, where the central issue of contention is the wrought subject of -
Driveway length.
No! Not in the sense of two male neighbours competing to see who has the longer driveway, as men tend to get when suffering from too much testosterone. This was the end result of Affronted Driveway Owner, hereafter ADO, having a larger and longer driveway than his Entitled Neighbour Troublemaker, hereafter ENT*.
'Ripe' edited out the introduction of this tale, presumably since it included verifiable information that could have identified either party, which is likely to lead to libellous litigation. Art!
Let me display a few of the notes that ADO had left on their neighbour's car, which kept finding itself parked on his driveway.
"Sorry for the misunderstanding, this driveway is private property"
"Private property, please keep out"
"I must assume you are ignoring my notes"
ENT would park her SUV behind ADO's modest Subaru, completely blocking it in and rendering him unable to drive his own car to work, making him late, having to resort to public transport or Uber. Art!
After being blocked for THREE DAYS running, ADO had enough and called a tow truck. Predictably, ENT came storming out of her pit and tried to bully the tow truck driver into leaving her trespassing car alone, because she needed to use ADO's driveway since her own was criminally small and she'd sue him if he got her car towed - entirely predictable shizzle.
Her car got towed.
She tried to block ADO, who decoyed her away from in front of his car by rolling his window down, and as she came around the side he drove off.
Now, a normal person would give up at this point. ENT proved she was in fact a freaking nutjob. Because - Art!
ADO was sitting down to enjoy a coffee in mid-afternoon, when suddenly his local neighbourhood law enforcement S.W.A.T. team shotgunned his front door off it's hinges, poured into the house and demanded he release the child hostage. At gunpoint. At many, many gunpoints.
You're probably ahead of me here. ENT had rung the local S.W.A.T. office and shrieked that her offspring had been kidnapped and was being held captive by ADO next door. This is colloquially known in South Canada as being 'Swatted' and is an extremely dangerous and stupid thing to do because we're not dealing with flies here, rather heavily-armed police looking for reasons to kill bad guys. Art!
Back at the station, ADO straightened things out whilst technicians traced the errant call back to ENT.
Surprise! SHE HAD DONE THIS BEFORE. It just hadn't reached the level of S.W.A.T. previously. Thus her offence became a felony - the big step up from a misdemeanour that you absolutely do not want in South Canada, as she ended up being sentenced to years in prison.
I guess that solved her parking problem.
Credit Where It's Due
Rather than looking at Mordorvia or Ukraine, let us instead focus the actinic eye of BOOJUM! on Belarus, and it's dictator Lukashenko, whom is commonly known across social media as 'Potato Fuhrer'. Because Belarus has nothing to export that is more sophisticated than the potato. Art!
The question has to be asked, whom is he going to war against? He's successfully avoided managing to commit his country's armed forces alongside those of Botox Boris, which would have triggered a coup against him, as he was explicitly warned. Conrad suspects he's still waiting to see who comes out on top, and will then stirringly declare that he was on their side all along. Whilst keeping a plane loaded with gold bullion ready to depart at short notice. Orcban The Weretoad being deposed has made allies of Botox Boris a lot more nervous.
Another Very, Very Expensive Mistake
Going back to 1980, and a horrendous drilling versus sub-surface geology and workings issue. Yes, we are taking the details from a 'Be Amazed' vlog about terrible financial failures, and O boy is this one. Art!
You see, Texaco were drilling in Lake Peigneur in November of 1980, just with sketchy knowledge of where the subterranean Diamond Crystal salt mine was located. In case you are unsure, they were located directly beneath the drilling rig's borehole thanks to not knowing what a left hand was, let alone what it was doing. Art!
The drill bit cut through substrate into the mine, meaning there was now a direct link between the lake and the mine, and the lake promptly emigrated into the mine. Water, lower levels and all that.
A tug, eleven barges, the drilling rig itself and a small local island ended up disappearing down the borehole. Incredibly, nobody was killed, which means the good luck at another effed location is already goosed. It cost the equivalent of $140 million today and may be the embodiment of 'Mine Mine All Mine'.
A Late Entry!
If you are unfamiliar, the winter season in Mordorvia brings along the - how can I put it? - season of sewer ruptures creating impromptu ice-sculptures, as they get gigantic fountains of fecal matter playing o'er the landscape. All provided for free, as per instructions from Botox Boris about Ruffian infrastructure. Art!
Here is one such performing in the suburbs of Barad Duh. Look on and weep O yeh Western artless goons! and commiserate that you cannot truly appreciate the smell, nor the delicate patter as half a million cubic metres of ordure spoil and spill from the skies. That was me being poetic.
Are You Sitting Comfortably?
This used to be the broadcast line from 'Listen With Mother' on Radio One so long ago that many of you were not born. I recast this trope as I put forward another factoid showing that Donold J Trump is rotting apart at the seams. Art!
Inevitably this will be blamed on Joe Biden. Or Bill Clinton. Or Harry S. Truman. Whom served his country as an artillery officer in the First Unpleasantness, unlike Billy Bonespurs.
Come at me Secret Service.
* Tip of the hat to Ol' Tolky.
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