BOOJUM!: Water Sillies

NO! That Is Not A Typo

Even hinting that it was is likely to get you a dose of Remote Nuclear Tormentor, because the English language does what I want it to do, no mucking about. Art!

Courtesy Claude Monet

You were thinking of this, weren't you? Apparently Ol' Claude painted 250 works featuring the water lilies in his garden. That's an awful lot. One suspects he didn't get out much.

ANYWAY we are here to regale you with the second part of DUDE's traumatic tale of pools and fools. Earlier we explained to you in excruciating detail what goes into constructing a swimming pool, laying it on to underline how hard it is and how long it takes. We also established that Jackass, son of Jay the business owner, was a lazy entitled slacker, and that Junior, the other son of Jay, talked entirely too much at the expense of working. Art!

No, Art, that's a Remote Nuclear Tormentor, which is not what I asked for. Get it right or it's Tazer-time.

See? You can do it when you try.

When Jackass woke up, he strolled over from his truck, looked at the stage they had reached and -

Did nothing to help. In fact he sent Junior back to the truck to get his energy drink, then stood around chatting about the game they were going to play after work.

Thus, by the time 11:00 rolls around, the pool is still at least 90 minutes behind schedule, which DUDE informs Jackass about, who loudly lambasts him about doing his job and not speaking back.

Why is 11:00 important? Because that's when the concrete truck arrived, chock-full of lovely concrete all ready to be poured and adored, despite the pool not being ready. Art!

Sheer poetry: a concrete truck

Here is where Jackass makes a verrrry serious mistake. He gets in the company bobcat - a miniature JCB for us here in This Sceptred Isle - and begins unloading concrete into the bucket and dumping it around the pool. Which was not ready. Did I already mention that?

Come 12:30, DUDE sits down and begins to eat his lunch, which sends Jackass, still pouring concrete - around the pool that wasn't ready, have I said that previously? - absolutely ballistic. I shan't quote him as there was a lot of effing and jeffing involved, along the theme that DUDE had to carry on working.

Art!

DUDE calmly refutes this, saying that Jay's rule is that one gets to have lunch after 6 hours on the job, and since Jay cuts his paychecks he's going to follow Jay's rules. All said with a beatific smile. Jackass rings Jay and presumably gets an earful as he goes back to pouring concrete in a sullen, slapdash silence.

It gets better - or worse, if you're Jackass. As mentioned yesteryon, DUDE has a medical appointment at 1:30 and his pre-arranged ride turns up to take him to the examination. Once again Jackass goes ballistic - there's no explanation in either my 'Collins Concise English Dictionary' or my 'Brewer's Dictionary Of Phrase And Fable' as to where this phrase comes from so I shall poke Art with this red-hot toasting fork -

The terrifying Titan II launch in progress

- saying that they'll never get the work done. Once again, smiling sweetly, DUDE informs Jackass that the appointment has already been approved, so whether the pool gets finished or not isn't his concern. Art!

ARACHNOPHOBES LOOK AWAY NOW!

This is a Brown Recluse Spider, and DUDE had been bitten by one. Their bite can cause serious necrosis if not promptly treated, so he was sent to hospital for a week.

Meanwhile at the pool -

Without DUDE to apply his perfectionist work ethic, Jackass <insert swear of choice here> badly. The pool walls weren't levelled, not all the braces had been set and he'd buried the plumbing in concrete before it had been connected.

Surprise! it didn't pass inspection. This meant Jay's company would have to demolish it, buy a new kit and install it from scratch. You're talking about being on the hook for $20,000 here.

Jackass, predictably, tried to blame DUDE for his epic <insert swear of choice here>, saying it was all his fault.

You may recall that yesteryon I mentioned DUDE noticed a feature about the client's house, since he was both sharp-eyed and sharp-witted. Art!

A home surveillance system. He asked the client for relevant footage, and they sent it to Jay for review.

Jay was <insert swear of choice here>. He slapped Jackass across the face, informed him that he wasn't getting a bonus that year, he'd get no commission on the pool construction and all the costs for demolition and new pool kit were coming out of his pocket.

DUDE was made a team lead, given his own helper and proceeded to out-construct Jackass by 2 to 1.

More Gentle Shoeing For King Piggy

As gentle as I get with Fat Caligula. I did see a new name for him on a Tweet from 'Bill Madden' - 'Don Snorlyeone'. Well earned! Bill reviewed the Trump rally in Nevada so we don't have to. Apparently DJ Tango had to be seated for the event, slurred his speech like a drunk after happy hour, and - Art!

He doesn't drink alcohol. Adderall? That's another story

- completely zedded out once he passed the mike over. Come on, Donold, show us your war face!

Hmmm. Closer to 'Wah face'

Are You Hungary For More?

There's a picture that has gone viral, showing the 'food' now being served up to South Canadian matelots aboard their ships in the Persian Gulf. Art!

There is considerable speculation about exactly what this is. Fried boot sole and sauteed Spam have been suggested. Conrad's suggestion is fossilised banana.

ANYWAY back to Hungary. The frankly peculiar-looking Foreign Minister in Orbanazi's government has been in seclusion since Monday, allegedly shredding every document ever produced by his office, as it would be used in evidence against him. He emerged on Friday, doing a jog. Art!

Here he is with Horse-face, whom he faithfully reported to. Horse-face - or Lavrov if we're being polite - is a Ruffian, so this is a fairly un-natural state of affairs.

Orban the Weretoad, meanwhile, thinks he can stay as leader of the parliamentary minority and run for Prime Minister in 4 years time. There are two problems with this: firstly, he needs to be out of prison to manage this, and secondly, Peter Magyar's party has a super-majority in parliament, meaning they can change the Hungarian Constitution, and Magyar has said a PM's term is going to be limited to two. Orcban has already served four. Sorry, Weretoad. Art!

Art!

Magyar has also appeared on state TV, from which he was banned for two years, and informed the interviewer that they were going to be out of a job as simping and pimping for Orban is going to stop quick smart.

I know practically nothing about Magyar, just that he seems to exemplify the új seprű*.

More Fallout From That Image

The one promoting Donold Judas Trump as Jesus, healing the sick, which kicked up such a stink that it was gone a few hours later and he's now lying about him being depicted as a doctor.

Well, cyber-security whiz Ryan McBeth came up with an hilarious skit on the original. Art!