NOT To Be Confused With 'Tree Law'
You can blame the Bee Network for this Intro, because I was stuck at the 409 bus stop for thirty minutes waiting for a bus, and then two came at once. During this time I happened to notice two 409's heading in the opposite direction - it's always the case, isn't it? - and both had posters for "The Magic Faraway Tree" on the side. That started me to pondering, always a dangerous process, and a couple of other films came to mind. Art!
From the Enid Blyton books
It's about a tree that's - you may be ahead of me here - magic and far away. Which is a good thing, because if it were nearby you'd get endless complications from people stumbling across it. The three children of the story and film, Beth, Fran and Joe, discover an enchanted wood known as "The Enchanted Wood". Nobody ever said Blyton was known for rampant creativity. In the centre of the wood is a tree so large it's branches reach into the clouds, presumably also making it a traffic hazard to passing planes, which plot hole we will ignore. Art!
A ladder from the tree leading into the clouds allows access to a land above the clouds,
This reminded Conrad of a fantastically strange film that was shown on the BBC, namely "The Singing Ringing Tree" and which I saw in the early Seventies. Art!
Not just German in origin, but from East Germany, that humourless grey cultural wasteland aligned with the Sinister Union. Wait, what?
It was a loose adaptation from one of Grimm's fairy tales, concerning a beautiful but selfish and entitled princess, who consistently rejects the suits of a handsome prince, until he can bring her the Singing Ringing Tree of the title. Art!
Entitlement oozing from every pore
The prince, being a determined kind of chap, tracks down the miniature kingdom the SRT is located in, only to encounter a couple of property possession rights getting in the way. Art!
The tree is controlled by the Evil Dwarf, whom agrees to lend him the tree - BUT - yes there is a condition, if the princess rejects both him and it, he is bound in servitude to ED. Surprise! Princess Entitled does reject him, as the tree neither sings nor rings, so he goes back to ED and - Art!
He gets turned into a bear. The logic for this escapes me, please contact the Brothers Grimm for elucidation. Princess Entitlement gets put into servitude with ED, and learns to be a better person for it, and of course - obviously! - True Love wins out in the end. Art!
No 747s were harmed in the making of this film
It was remarkably different in design and production to anything else on television and left a lasting impression on anyone who watched it.
FYI, the East German original came out in 1957 and was seen at cinemas by over a third of their entire population. So much for socialist realism, hmmm? Art!
It does what it says on the tin. This film features Kirk Douglas in an untypical role as an utter swine, a lumber baron determined to chop down the sequoias of northern California, despite the protests and antipathy of locals. Art!
That's a sequoia, also known as the Californian Redwood, and boy are they large. In case you were wondering, True Love conquers all and redeems Kirk by the end. Art!
Sorry, I couldn't resist. There aren't any trees per se, but please note that Forrest is sitting on a bench made primarily of wood. Where do you get wood from? Art!
I haven't seen 'The Tree Of Life' but, since it's a Terence Malick film, I undoubtedly will at some point, because it will at least look good. Having had a look at plot descriptions and synopses on teh Interwebz, it looks a bit bonkers. Actually a lot bonkers. Hot Tip: True Love does not conquer all, it seems. Art!
Let me end this Intro by going out with 'Tree Coins In The Fountain' WHICH IS AN HILARIOUS PUN I TELL YOU HILARIOUS!
Get Your Popcorn Ready
Forsooth, Conrad has paid exactly 0% attention to the 'Starry Trex' franchise on television since the Deep Space Mine, or whatever it was called. In my opinion they ought to completely shut down the franchise for a good ten years, then try making it again from a completely fresh perspective, instead of increasingly faded photocopies of the original. Art!
Courtesy Ryan Kinel
Now we come to 'Star Trek: Star Fleet Academy', which has been absolutely pot, kettle, spoon and panned by audiences, who hated it. Bear in mind that the show has been cancelled before the first episode of Season Two has been streamed, and that each season is of ten episodes, which cost $10 million each. $200 million expended. Art!
Enter Red Letter Media, whom Ryan does not see eye-to-eye with, nor they with him. However - that word again! - they are a film and video production company with a lot of network links and inside contacts, whose output is credible.
Whilst on another completely different topic, RLM let it be known that their industry contacts discovered that STSFA had, over the space of 10 episodes, accumulated only 400,000 views, or 40,000 per episode on average. Ryan counselled caution about these figures, as we only have RLM's statement as evidence.
But, if true, this is an appalling failure for the series. Small Youtube channels get more than this amount of traffic. Conrad probably gets more than this across his blog traffic monthly <takes a quick look at Views> I'm up to 8,060 so far for April. My outlay amounts to £1.10 for the 'Manchester Evening News'. Art!
As circumstantial evidence for that 40k being correct, here's an online petition to renew the season that Ryan dug out.
Season Two will probably get streamed but this isn't guaranteed if Paramount thinks it's just a big pile of dinosaur doo-doo that won't garner either views or critical praise.
Another "You What?" Moment
I actually came across this yesteryon but had already put up an item about incomprehensible drivel and didn't want to overdo it. Art!
What the actual Dog Buns? What are 'Cornhole Boards' and why am I expected to know what they are already? What is a 'Governing Body of Cornhole'? because it sounds like an entity from 'Beavis And Butthead'. What is meant by 'Monthly Bag Drops'? NO! I am not going to click on the link to find out. That way lies madness.
South Canadian Food Fails
Back to the hilarious and scurrilous Tweet from 'Daractenus', listing the food that we here in the EU absolutely will not eat, unless it's Twinkies as I love their wonderful artificial taste but risk diabetic coma just by looking at them a
ANYWAY Art!
This is bleached flour. To get that whiter-than-white colouration, South Canadian flour mills process it with chlorine or benzoyl peroxide, the former of which was the world's first poison gas. Why would you want to bleach flour to make an already white substance even whiter?
Ah, I see. To shorten the aging process and speed up production, thus cutting costs. Enjoy your Cloaf! or not as bleached flour doesn't make good bread.
Fair Warning
Conrad Bookmarked an interesting Youtube vlog about the Sherman tank, and if I can prod Art into semi-sentience -
The title is a fib in itself, as 'Lied' is not exactly truthful. I know this because I rewatched the whole thing and annotated it, so you can bet your buns there's going to be an Intro about it in the near future.
Finally -
Going out with a QI quote.
"Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that, apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy". George Carlin.
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