Not What You Think
For a start, this is a tale from the Youtube channel 'Slash Start' and their takes on Reddit tales of revenge, malicious compliance and entitlement. So, you can put any expectations of evil spirits, dayglo green vomit and Linda Blair out of your head, we aren't going anywhere near 'The Exorcist' today. But, having thus cannily mentioned it, I can now legitimately use it as click-bait. Art!
Mark Kermode's favourite film
Today's tale is narrated by Four-eyed Unmuscled Nerd, hereafter FUN, who worked at a computer business that bought direct from manufacturers and acted as a middleman by retailing to end-users. He carried out customer support work, plus occasional call-ins from clients who wanted billable services carried out. One day they got a call from a client who wanted a technical company able to carry out on-site inspection and restitution on their leased property. Art!
This mutually beneficial arrangement tends to break down when the leasor decides not to pay for their equipment yet continues to use it. So FUN and his equally scrawny nerd colleague were going to be sent to -
POSSESS! said equipment. Okay, okay, repossess, which is considerably less impactful. The Ripped-Off Company, hereafter ROC, representative said that the business was gatekept by Secretary Lacking Any Goodness, hereafter SLAG, who chain-smoked, had skin smoked like a kipper thanks to fag*-fumes and had made a point of breathing said fumes into the face of the Deputy Sheriff who'd served them. Art!
Slaggy the faggy
Equipped with a faxed list of serial numbers, our brace of heroes went waltzing off to - what shall I call them? Computer Execrable Shady Services, hereafter CESS, yes, that seems apt - and encountered SLAGBUTT (Brutally Unpleasant Tobacco Tyrant, if you must know). She told them to <swear> off. Doubtless not happy that CESS's President Pillock, hereafter PEE-PEE, had been given three days in the slammer for contempt of court when trying to argue his case for not paying ROC yet keeping their kit.
The twosome reported back to a very unimpressed contact at ROC, who arranged with FUN's boss to escalate matters. Art!
Meet Gog and Magog, two enormous black delivery drivers who were there to hump all the computer equipment out of CESS's offices, the very opposite of FUN in terms of build and Resting Butch Face. 'Twas not all. Art!
Two Deputy Sheriffs also came along, the senior of whom appeared to be channelling the spirit of Gunnery Sergeant Hartmann. He was the fumigated officer from earlier, and he bore a grudge. He VERY LOUDLY informed the whole office that nobody was to give FUN any trouble, since no-one was willing to even make eye contact with Gog or Magog. Art!
VAX with puny humans for scale
This is a Virtual Address eXtension, which FUN came across in CESS's office. It was far too massive to shift, so he called his contact at ROC, who asked that he disable it for the interim until they could get specialist hauliers to move it. He took out the hard drives, which provoked PEE-PEE to have a screaming fit and rush at him -
To be stopped by the Senior Deputy holding up a pepper-spray about to dose him. PEE-PEE scuttled back to his office. Only one lady dared to protest as her tower, mouse and keyboard were all appropriated by Gog and Magog, to which SID (Senior Irate Deputy) responded by bellowing at her, using swears. Art!
Then it was time to enter PEE-PEE's office. Initially he refused to open the door, to which SID responded by threatening to physically kick it either in or down, whichever came first. Then PEE-PEE had to have a Tazer waved in his face to reveal where he'd hidden his laptop. One gets the sense that SID was enjoying himself at all this pushback.
- Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: What's your name, scumbag?
FUN also mentioned that Gog and Magog managed to lift a couple of <ahem> 'office mementoes' from PEE-PEE's desk under the - possibly deliberately focussed elsewhere - eyes of the Deputies.
All the kit was taken back to base and boxed up for shipment to ROC. FUN rang them and narrated his adventures in the offices of CESS, making their contact chortle at the pepper-spray and guffaw at the Tazer.
FUN's boss asked him what he thought of this little excursion and he described it as 'A lot of fun!'
Not so much for CESS, who had their Proprietary Information Terminated, making them a - you may be ahead of me here - a CESSPIT.
Ah Yes. What?
Another mystery MacGuffin has surfaced on my news feed. I shall picture it and leave you to wonder and worry about it. Art!
At least it isn't an oscilloscope.
The Stable Door Is Now Being Shut
Conrad hasn't commented on the situation in Iran very often but it 110% behind the determined and courageous protestors, who risk their lives every time they mass on the streets. The other thing I never commented on in any detail was the absolute spanking the Iranian military's air-defence systems got from Israel and South Canada last year. Art!
The ayatollahs are ordering 500 of these with 2,500 missiles at a price of $590 million, which the orcs will be ecstatic about, since their arms sales have fallen off a cliff of late.
The thing is - these are point-defence missiles with short range, low altitude and not much punch. They could shoot down incautious helicopters but an F-35 at 25,000 metres wouldn't even notice them, nor will they stop glide bombs or ballistic missiles and would need the luck of the Irish to intercept a cruise missile.
On the other hand, they are good at shooting down drones, which is the kind of tool the protesters on Iranian streets might well turn to. Art!
The orcs, meanwhile, would be well advised to instead use these MANPADs to try and protect the tarry gold of Mordorvia. Or even give them to Belgorod, which is being rendered uninhabitable by Ukrainian drone strikes.
O and they're not due to arrive in Iran until 2027. That's putting a lot of faith in TACO and his infinitely-elastic 'two weeks'.
The BBC Is Posing A Leading Question
Conrad thinks he'd be quite able to survive a bleak, lonely existence in the Sahara desert, as he is a churlish, truculent individual with no love for you we humans**. Then again, it depends on what kind of desert it is, as Antarctica has also been dubbed a rainless desert environment. Art!
Probably not.
Finally -
Another from my "QI Book Of Banter"
"In physics the truth is rarely perfectly clear, and that it certainly universally the case in human affairs. Hence what is not surrounded by uncertainty cannot be the truth." - Richard Feynman
One of the smartest people of the 20th century (alongside Albert Einstein), not only a theoretical physicist involved with the Manhattan Project, but also the prime mover behind nanotechnology. Sadly missed.
* BRITISH SLANG you pikers.
** Also, it's nice and dry.
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