I Am Not Sure How Long I Can Sustain This Intro
It's derived from a Youtube vlog from the 'Malicious Compliance' sub-Reddit, and only lasts 4 minutes, so I might have to do a ton of - er - 'padding'. Paddington. Which desperate reaching allows me to invoke the world's politest talking bear. Art!
Don't knock marmalade sandwiches until you've tried them.
ANYWAY this story is centred around a grove of pecan trees, because where else do you think pecans come from? Conrad confesses that he had no idea prior to this tale as my sole experience with them is using them in cakes. Art!
They are different from walnuts - although part of the same family - in having less wrinkles and less of an aftertaste, in addition to being rather pricey. You get what you pay for. Pecan trees are a variety of hickory, the lumber of which is also valuable. Art!
Say hello to a grove of hickory pecans, in Georgia, since the pecan hickory only grows in the south-east of South Canada in states such as The Peachy One or Texas. Note that the trees are widely spaced for maximum light and water, that the ground is level and the grass is very short. These are all in order to facilitate mechanical harvesting of the nuts, and if Art will put down his bowl of coal -
NUN informed that the ground has to be as flat as a snooker table because otherwise the harvester will miss pecans lying on the ground in dips or ruts. A two-inch deep depression can hide pecans worth thousands of dollars, which then have to be picked up by hand, rather defeating the object of having an expensive machine to collect them. Art!
Enter the bottomhole that NUN dubbed 'Dude', which is not opprobrious enough for me, so we will call him 'Rude Dude'. He lived across from the pecan grove and drove one of those South Canadian motorised behemoths called an '18-wheeler', a tractor unit and the trailer. He parked in the pecan grove, creating long pecan-hiding ruts.
NUN's dad, giving Rude Due the benefit of the doubt, goes and informs him he's parking on private property, is causing damage to the grounds and not to do it again. Rude Dude apologises (whilst crossing his fingers) and drives away. NUN's dad goes over the ruts with a tractor and blade midweek. Art!
Problem solved? Don't you believe it, or this would be a very short Intro.
One week later it happens again. NUN's dad - I think I'll dub him Nut Investor Juglandaceae* Not Appreciative, NINJA hereafter - calls the sheriff. Rude Dude moves his truck. A week later the truck is back, sheriff arrives again, Rude Dude claims he 'forgot'.
Plot twist - I bet you didn't see this coming - he didn't forget. He lives across the road from NUN, but the depot he drives to in his car to get allocated a truck is 30 miles away. Thus he saves having to drive his car back home from the depot, meaning less petrol consumed. Also, these truckers can get written up and/or fined if their cab isn't clean and tidy (it belonging to the company not the driver), which the supervisors aren't going to find out as it's not going back to be inspected. Art!
After Rude Dude has done this 7 times, he finally gets a trespass citation, which is a bit toothless as there are no fines levied. He parks up again the next week.
Here an aside. Conrad has worked out that the very least cost to replace 18 slashed tires on an 18-wheeler would be $4,500. Not advocating anything, just saying.
This time the Sheriff himself comes out, not his deputies. Rude Dude makes his obligatory 'I forgot' excuse and moves his truck. The Sheriff, who seems a wise old campaigner - Art!
- tells NINJA that it's difficult for him to catch Rude Dude actually committing the trespass as it happens, since the county office is 30 miles away and they don't have that many deputies. Not only that, photographs of the rutted grove look hugely unimpressive and wouldn't persuade a court that any major damage had been done.
'However,' continues Sheriff The Most Valuable Player, 'If there was something different, like a theft of services going on .....' at which he probably gave a huge wink to NINJA. Art!
"Pre-pay. Violators will be towed.''
Next day each of the pecan trees had a sign nailed to it, bearing the legend above.
Rude Dude ignores the signs.
Then a deputy and heavy-duty tow truck turn up, which brings Rude Dude a-shrieking and a-hollering from his home as they prepare to tow away his truck and trailer. To add a cherry on top, the Sheriff had been to take photographs of the errant truck parked beneath all those clearly visible signs.
Heavy-duty tow truck. Quite the beast!
The truck owner had to come out to sort matters. He tried to haggle for 3 hours but ended up cutting a cheque for - waitforitwaitforit - $7,800, covering the parking, tow truck, the damage caused, the signs and - NUN was grinning smugly at typing this - beer enough for a year for NINJA's weekly poker games.
Rude Dude no longer parks there and had the $7,800 deducted from his wages for 2 years <drum roll cymbal crash>.
Wowsers, over 900 words and I was worried we'd not get beyond 500.
Conrad Is ANGRY! O So ANGRY! ANGRY ANGRY ANGRY!
Er - hang on whilst I remember what I'm angry about.
O yes - the Codeword solutions. Them again. SIT BACK DOWN! Allow me to explicate.
BAROQUE: Conrad is quite familiar with this word as it applies to the organ music and classical compositions he listens to. Let me define it: "A 17th Century style of music characterised by extensive use of the thorough bass and of ornamentation." Your mileage may vary, you philistines. Art!
Johann Sebastian Bach totally rocking out
EXULT: Not exactly in common use, is it? Meaning 'To be joyful or jubilant, especially because of triumph or success', and yes it has a Latin root. Art!
They exult, apparently.
VIGNETTE: This one has to have a French origin. I recognise it from various descriptions of worthy literature, where the author attempts to paint a broad canvas by describing many small scenes. Technically it means: 'A short graceful literary essay or sketch.' Art!
Notable for vignettes
The Clock Is Ticking
For King Piggy, that is. For those of you who have not concerned yourselves with the daily doings of Fat Caligula, his cognitive abilities have sharply declined since he campaigned for Prez in 2016, as has his ability to walk without wandering all over the carpet. In case you missed it, he hates NATO, he hates the EU, he hates Europe and he hates not getting a Nobel Peace Prize, because Obama got one. Art!
He also has less than three years of his term to run, since he will be out of the White House on January 20th 2028 at the very latest, because he may well keel over dead before then - see above paragraph. In fact, if Republicans lose control of the House Of Representatives and/or the Senate, then Democrats will be able to stonewall all his policies and prevent him from doing anything. Impeachment is verrrry unlikely as Republicans would need to join Democrats to make a two-thirds majority, and current Republicans possess all the spine of jellyfish.
Still, some people in the Ice Cream Bandit party (see above) have been trying to reassure Europeans that DJ Tango has a limited shelf life and can we then go back to the way it was before, pretty please with Canderel on?
I must say, this political trainwreck is incredibly entertaining stuff to watch from this side of The Pond.
What Nonsense Is This?
Art!
PORRIDGE IS NOT JUNK FOOD!
Provided you eat it the way Conrad does: oats and skimmed milk. NO SALT NO SUGAR AND DEFINITELY NO FRUIT.
I have spoken.
* The family pecans sit within. Walnuts too.
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