Today We Get The Second Half Of Our Epic Revenge Story
To recap, CHEF - Canadian Highly Efficient Functionary and also a keen amateur chef - had experienced that most heinous of crimes, the Workplace Lunch Thief, whom repeatedly stole his gourmet lunches, which had been created with considerable time and money being spent on them. HR proved to be completely useless, labelling didn't help so CHEF took matters into his own, very capable hands. Art!
Not the Co-Operative Society Insurance Society
He never mentions it but Conrad strongly suspects there is a bit of CSIS experience in CHEF's background.
ANYWAY he identified the thief as Viridian's Regional Sales Director Chad Miller, which is so unusual in these tales that I suspect 'Chad' is a pseudonym. Chad "had teeth white enough to reflect, drove a leased BMW and made $180,000 per annum plus commissions." No excuse for stealing a lunch with a salary like that. Normally in a story like this CHEF would make up a meal with ghost chilli peppers, the thief would end up getting their stomach pumped and things would revert to what was right and proper.
Not here.
What else might Chad - whom we will dub Lunch Others Workplace Edible Stuff Thief, LOWEST hereafter - be up to that was not moral or ethical? Art!
The Keg Steakhouse, Toronto
Chad expensed client dinners three nights a week, such as dining out at 'The Keg', as seen above, which is still running. CHEF had access to Viridian's central expense reporting system and was able to audit individual meals if he wanted. He wanted.
One example he checked ran thus: "Expense: dinner with client Weber Industries, Blue Water Grill $450"
HOWEVER - ah that word I love so much! - the Veridian Customer Relationship Management*, which CHEF religiously cross-referenced, said the WI rep was on leave. Not only that, LOWEST hadn't been in contact for three months.
Even more interesting were the Uber reports, which consistently featured LOWEST being dropped off at '1422 King Street', an upmarket area of downtown Toronto. Art!
1422 King Street
The awkward thing is, LOWEST lived with his family in Oakville, a completely different area of Toronto. His mistress lived at 1422, and CHEF - who would have the word 'Thorough' all the way through him if he were a stick of rock - tracked her down on social media to find pictures she had posted on social media, where she was dining with LOWEST.
This fraud totalled $14,500 over six months. CHEF made all the expenses, Ubers, locations, and social media posts into a presentation on an UBS.
"I needed to make him suffer for the short ribs". That, ladies, gentlemen and those unsure, is a declaration of war, and another gourmet meal Chad had stolen. Art!
Coomassie Brilliant Blue Colouring and Maltitol Syrup
LOWEST was due to give a presentation at the company's town hall, where the CEO, Mister Henderson, would be attending. CHEF did his research and bought the two liquids above. CBB stains protein very dark blue and takes days to fade. Maltitol, in large doses, is an extremely powerful laxative. CHEF, whom you ought to be rightfully scared of by now, made a batch of brownies using the two above, which LOWEST stole at lunchtime and scoffed.
Maltitol, for your information, takes up to an hour to take effect.
An hour after having dined on his stolen confectionery, LOWEST goes to make his presentation, where he startles his audience with his dark blue lips, tongue and teeth. He only gets a few words out before the maltitol works it's sinister magic and he has an accident whilst running to the toilets, where he is stuck for 45 minutes. Art!
Quite possibly CEO Henderson
Mister Henderson is not impressed and wonders if anyone else can take over? Kevin, the head of IT and someone who detested LOWEST more than dysentery, volunteered with the UBS that CHEF had given him.
For ten minutes the CEO witnesses the fraud LOWEST has been carrying out.
When Chad emerges from the toilets, he is immediately escorted out of the building by security, carrying a box containing all his effects.
CHEF - remember that 'thorough' description? - sends an envelope of what he had found to Jessica Miller, Chad's wife. She files for divorce three days later, getting the house, custody and - O bitter pill! - the BMW. Art!
Hamilton, Toronto
Chad moved into the basement of his parent's basement in Hamilton, a considerably less upmarket location than Oakville.
CHEF was fuelling up his car three months later when he saw LOWEST putting petrol in a beat-up car, unshaven, pudgy and wearing a tatty old hoodie. Chad recognised his antagonist, looked at his shoes and drove off without a word.
Getting back into his own car, CHEF took a bite of his home-made lasagne, which was made with bolognese sauce incorporating wine and milk, bechamel sauce and mozarella.
"It tasted like victory".
Chad shot himself in both feet, then stuck them firmly into his mouth. Canuckistanians are generally a nice people but push them too far and you get CHEF and his righteous revenge.
Another From The 'Museum Of Failure'
We have covered this before as part of the montage of toys that were incredibly dangerous and which would never get approved today. Art!
Quiver at the lawsuits queueing up for 'Jarts Lawn Darts'. These were large, heavy darts that had a metal spike on the end, which was supposed to stick into the lawn, and which instead stuck into 6,000 children. 'It's not for kids!' bleated the company. On average 670 children were hospitalised whilst Lawn Darts were available, including injuries causing blindness or brain damage. These accidents-in-waiting ended up killing three children, at which they were promptly banned and extant stock ordered destroyed, which is kind of a morbid punchline.
Another Gentle Shoeing
Read no further if you're a member of the Donold Judas Trump Fan Club, because you are very much in Wrong Tent territory. Art!
Hmmmm the Orange Land Whale appears nervous about the alleged million new documents coming to light about Jeffrey Epstein. Gosh, I wonder why he could possibly have tried to prevent them from being published? Not to mention all the Trump administration officials like Kash Patel and Pam Bondi who boldly insisted there were no Epstein files. Conrad feels someone's been telling porkies!
Slow News Year?
Unusually, I know whom they are referring to in this case, which is not normally the case in these stupid 'puff' articles. Note that you can't actually see the jeans, meaning you're supposed to click the link. Firstly, NO! And, secondly, BAH!
Slitting One's Throat To Spite One's Neck
I made that up myself, are you impressed?
ANYWAY this is once again another gentle shoeing of the orcses. You may recall that their Black Sea Flotilla - so many ships have been sunk they cannot be classed as a 'Fleet' any more - had to evacuate Sevastopol, the primary naval base on the Black Sea. They relocated to Novorossiysk, where one of their submarines was crippled by a Ukrainian submarine drone. Ooops. Art!
The Ukrainians, who seem to be as thorough as CHEF, hit the only available anti-submarine aircraft the Ruffians had in the region, allowing their drone to get into harbour undetected. Art!
They have now sunk three barges at the harbour entrance, preventing any more Ukrainian naval drones to get inside.
You may see the flaw here. The Ruffian ships and subs in the harbour cannot get out.
Even more worryingly for Mordorvia, Perfidious Albion recently re-supplied the Ukrainians with Storm Shadow missiles, and just used them to demolish a static target, to wit: a factory. Hmmm where else are there static targets?
Finally -
Another Biercism.
"Comfort,n: A state of mind produced by contemplation of a neighbour's uneasiness."
* CHEF only used 'CRM'. You're welcome.
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