Bear With Me For This, It's A Long One
Yes, we are spoofing 'John Wick' here, which is an excellent action thriller Conrad can definitely get behind, and whom is the director of this franchise? Why none other than Chad Staheleski. Art!
Chad's background prior to this franchise was as a stunt performer and then stunt arranger, and you ought to recall that he got a small on-screen reference in 'V For Vendetta'
Right! Ripped from the pages of 'Karma Stories', this is a story that changes in mid-flow, from one of the lowest forms of life in the corporate world, to another lower form of life in the inter-personal world. We start off with lunch theft and end with thermonuclear war/nuclear revenge/ghost chilli revenge <delete where applicable>. Art!
Verrry unusually the narrator gives the name of their firm, 'Viridian', a Canuckistanian logistics business, working out of Toronto. They name other people but not themselves, although informing that their job is to 'variance reports', whatever they are - ah I see, reports comparing projected to actual economic performance - and optimising shipping routes, anyone working at the company could probably discover their ID. Art!
As for the title, you might think of OP as an Everyman, thus a 'John', who was utterly fed-up with what happened to his lunches, hence 'sick', which is only a little bit of a reach.
ANYWAY OP's hobby was cooking, and as a Commenter observed, they might want to move into catering rather than logistics. Conrad is merely grateful that the Canuckistanians are on our side and that OP did not decide to go into Military Intelligence, or the world might be a different place. Art!
This is OP's version of a Roast Beef Sandwich, made with AAA Canadian prime sirloin, which had been roasted with rosemary and garlic, on home-made bread with caramelised onion and home-made horseradish sauce.
Are we hungry yet? I shall dub OP as 'Canadian Highly Efficient Functionary', hereafter CHEF. He is single, one presumes, as there is no mention of wife or children, thus allowing him the time, money and ingredients to create haute cuisine in the home. Art!
This is his chicken parmesan, where he pounded, seasoned and fried the chicken himself, topped with a home-made marinara sauce.
I'm straight and I would straight up marry this guy.
Then it was beef and Guiness stew with dumplings, mad
ENOUGH OF THE FOOD PORN! I needed to confirm the background CHEF established, home-made food of considerable complexity, that he brought into the office for his lunch, packed in what he called a 'Tactical Lunch Bag', which description may date from his days in Military Intelligence/the Perky Pats/catering college <delete where necessary>. Art!
In November, CHEF's TLB had gone missing at his 12:00 lunchtime, only to re-appear, empty, at 14:00. We don't know if any other employee's lunches had gone missing, only that the criminal had now identified CHEF as a - well, chef. Art!
HR proved to be completely useless - 'Useless HR' is the prompt for the above - bleating a few platitudes and not making any effort to support CHEF. This does surprise me somewhat, as British America - Canada if we're being formal - does not generally view their employees as being one step above indentured slaves, as in South Canada. Wev.
CHEF decided to resolve the problem themselves. This is where they reveal themselves to be very technically competent, with a worrying set of skills and knowledge 'from teh Interwebz'. Yeah right *. One office lunch thief coming up on the menu. Art!
You are not selling me on this product
They made a bait lunch - Italian sub on fresh bread with prosciutto, capsicola, mozarella and balsamic glaze. Don't ask me what 'capsicola' is, I've never heard of it. Art!
Capsicola. I Googled.
All containers for which were covered with Polychromatic Ultra-Violet Reactive Powder, a dust that you cannot see with the naked eye but which will blast your vision into next week if you use an UV light on it. Just the sort of thing that instantly appears in your mind when thinking 'How do I get evidence of lunch theft?'
After the bait lunch was stolen, CHEF used an UV flashlight - yes, yes, any household has half a dozen of these to hand - to track down the thieving culprit.
Enter Chad Miller, the Viridian Regional Director of Sales, whom is described as having 'teeth white enough to reflect radar', and whose office looks like an UV abattoir when CHEF uses his UV flashlight in Chad's office.
Ooops.
I hope the title begins to make a little more sense now.
In any regular story of Office Lunch Theft, CHEF would dose up his meal with, as hinted above, ghost chilli peppers, or essence of liquorice, but CHEF was not going to be satisfied with anything as trivial as that. O noes.
Conrad isn't going to continue with this Intro because it would otherwise be the whole blog, as we can't have that.
There I Was -
Scrolling through the news feed, wondering what might come up that I can purloin, what did I come across but this? Art!
Conrad is one of seven people in the UK who know whom Ambrose was, and whom own a copy of 'The Devil's Dictionary'.
The photo above shows Ambrose in later life, when he had not mellowed AT ALL, and was just as wittily horrid as he'd been since the end of the South Canadian Civil War.
In 1913, at the age of 71, Ambrose Bierce began a tour of Civil War Battle fields.
For Your Information, the South Canadian Civil War, which was inordinately uncivil, ended in 1865. Bierce had seen some pretty awful things during it's duration, so one might well wonder why the nostalgia about revisiting old battlefields. He was at that time supposedly heading south into Mexico and their civil war, but vanished utterly and his remains have never been found. Art!
Had he survived a year longer, one wonders what he would have made of the First Unpleasantness and whether it would have summoned him to Europe. We shall never know but I bet some sci-fi author is thinking about it.
You'll Be Reading This One Day Late
Here I am, reading through Twitter, as I have been off on social calendar events today, and it appears that the Sinister Union collapsed on 26/12/1991, bemoaned by only Putinpot. Art!
The flags, lest ye be unaware, are of the various Sinister 'republics' that were a constituent part of the dictatorial empire, which have broken away and which have ENTIRELY NO INTENTION OF GOING BACK. The blue-and-yellow one is causing a multi-plicitous horde of problems for the orcses at present.
Talking Of Vanishings -
You may not be up to speed on the minutiae of the war in Ukraine, so I shall briefly fill you in: the Ruffians, in the person of General Sergey Kuzovlev, loudly announced that they had captured the Ukrainian city of Kupyansk! Victory parades, confetti, stamps printed with the town image on, EXCEPT - Art!
Oooops.
In fact, the orcses have completely lost control of the city, which is nevertheless going to be persistently attributed to falling to Ruffian arms, until it either happens or Putinpot drops dead. I know which I want to occur first.
NB Sinister-era generals in the Sinister Union used to try this tactic with Stalin during the Second Unpleasantness, whom, to give him his credit, he absolutely hated. He would punish them for it. Putinpot? Not so much.
Finally -
Because Conrad loathes the telephone as one of the worst possible modern inventions, let me close with a Biercism:
'Telephone,n: An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the advantages of making a disagreeable person keep their distance.'
To which I absolutely concur.
* CSIS vibes here
No comments:
Post a Comment