Battleships!

Rather Than Throw This Away In An Item

I thought I'd pontificate at length in an Intro about battleships, because Donnie Dorko did indeed claim that South Canada was going to create a new type of 'Trump-class battleships', the drivelling loon.  Conrad thinks this must be because he'd seen the documentary 'Pearl Harbor' and was puzzled and upset that South Canada doesn't have any battleships.  Art!

The, ah, 'documentary' in question

     The concept of fleets of battleships going to war with one another upon the briny deep is, of course - obviously! - British, and dates back to 1906, when H.M.S. 'Dreadnought' was launched, immediately rendering every existing battleship obsolete.  Art!

Judge Dread

     She - the relevant pronoun even for naval warships, as mentioned in 'Chitty Chitty Bang Bang' - did away with the clutter of smaller guns that had been de rigeur,    The Dreadie mounted ten 12" guns and two dozen 12-pounders as protection against torpedo boats.  Her steam turbines could propel her at 21knots, which is 24 PROUD IMPERIAL MILES per hour, a hefty clip for an 18,000 ton vessel.  Art!

The Royal Navy showing off in 1914

     The year before Dreadie was launched had seen the first ever clash of battleship fleets, at the Tsushima Straits in the war between Ruffia and Japan, where the Ruffian fleet got an absolute shoeing for very little Japanese loss.  An interesting footnote is that the Ruffians built their own warships whilst the Japanese were all built at Scottish shipyards on the Clyde.  Tsushima showed that the Ruffians could sail a fleet around the world <polite golf clapping> but were completely outclassed by the far better trained Japanese in their uniformly more modern ships.  Art!

     

     Round Two for battlefleets of battleships was the Battle Of Jutland in 1916, where the Senior Service lost more ships than the Teutons.  One reason for this was the lack of preventive designs to stop the 'flash' from exploding enemy shells from reaching magazines.  Another was that the action was fought close to Germany itself, allowing damaged Teuton vessels to reach port before sinking.  Overall it might have been a tactical success for the Teutons but the strangulating Royal Navy blockade was not ended, and the Teuton fleet never put to sea again.  

     I believe one of my 'British Official History Naval Operations' goes into Jutland in verrrry detailed style, with maps and shizzle, but we're not going there today.

     During the Second Unpleasantness the battleship proved to have become redundant, displaced by another British invention - you're welcome - the aircraft carrier.  Art!

     One of the coffin nails for battleships was the sinking of the Royal Navy's battleship 'Prince of Wales' and the battlecruiser 'Repulse' by Japanese aircraft on December 10th 1941.  There were no Japanese ships involved, and the British had no aircraft.  

     When the Japanese attacked Pearl Harbour IN REAL LIFE DONOLD, they inflicted immense damage on the South Canadian navy BUT failed to sink or damage any of the 'flat tops' as they were all at sea.  This failure was decisive, because whilst a battleship may be able to fire shells out to twenty miles, an aircraft can carry a bomb or torpedo for two hundred miles.  Thus the opposing ships in the Battle of the Coral Sea never even saw each other; it was all air action.  Art!

     Today, missiles with a range of dozens of miles, massing a far bigger payload than a humble shell, are used in naval combat.  The Royal Navy's losses in the Falklands were due to air-launched missiles and air-dropped bombs, not by Argentinian ship action.  The big-gun battleship is extinct and cruisers are the largest naval vessels in inventories now.  The last time South Canada used battleships in anger was 1991 in support of Operation Desert Storm, where they were used for shore bombardment.  They got away with this because the Iraqi navy was non-existent and the Iraqi air force had already been destroyed.  Art!

     Donold Judas Trump also has no concept of how long it takes to build a battleship, nor of how much it costs, because he has the attention span of a fruit fly and has other people to do sums for him.  He will be out of office by the time any of these ships get to be launched, IF they ever get commissioned in the first place, because why have a far larger, more vulnerable, more costly guided-missile battleship when you can have guided-missile cruisers?  That will do the same job but cost a fraction of the final price.

     That Dog Buns! doc 'Pearl Harbor' has a lot to answer for.

     Right!  Enough military blather, let's have a change of topic.

They Do Things Differently In Finland

Including possibly suffering from Seasonal Affective Disorder, because north of the Arctic Circle in Suomi, there are up to 52 days with no sun.  So!  Another entry from the 'Museum Of Failure' and one I'd never heard of before.  Ho ho.  You'll see.  Art!

     This is the 'Valkee', which is exactly what it looks like, a pair of earphones sporting LED lights.  Supposedly using the V for up to twelve minutes per day would combat SAD, migraines and jet-lag, by - er - shining lights into your ears.  There was no evidence to prove this claim and a review in Finland said the marketing was utter tosh, except in Finnish, which is 'Täysi tosh'.  The business was founded in 2007 and filed for bankruptcy in 2021, owing €1.5 million with only €100,000 in assets.  I bet they were SAD.

'Sinners'

Just seen this with the rest of the family.  It's looooong, and they could have edited 30 minutes out of the opening in my opinion, but once things start to unravel, O my, do they unravel!  Art?

     Michael B. Jordan plays both 'Smoke' and 'Stack', identical twins who have arrived in Mississippi after doing gangster work in Chicago, after having taken a lot of cash from the gangs they were working with or against.  Their plan is to create a 'juke joint', which they do, except things unravel after the sun goes down and -

     Not going to spoil anything.

One Can Only Hope

Conrad said, rubbing his hands with malicious glee.  Art!

DOGE Gone

     One fat weirdo talking to another  fat weirdo.  I haven't seen any mention anywhere recently about his supposed establishment of a political party, so I imagine that fantasy has died the death.  No self-driving taxis in time for Christmas, either.  Conrad is unsure why they have a Shiba dog in the background, as it's the icon of NAFO, the 'North Atlantic Fella Organisation'.  I would be grateful if Elong Tusk does go away forever.  No, I'm not going to watch it, the video is 13 minutes long and I still have this blog to put to bed, AND a 'Jake Broe' vlog to finish watching.  I stopped watching it to create this blog.  See how much I care?

Another Biercism For You

Because I find him funny, before you ask.  Have at it, Ambrose!

'Gunpowder, n.  An agency employed by civilised nations for the settlement of disputes which might become troublesome if left unadjusted. By most writers the invention of gunpowder is ascribed to the Chinese, but not upon very convincing evidence.  Milton says it was invented by the Devil to dispel angels with, and this opinion seems to derive some support from scarcity of angels.'

     Actually there's another three or four hundred words to this definition, so I have cut it short, just to be merciful.  Art!

Finally -

Typing this out on Christmas Day, and being sternly sober, as I am driving to Warrington tomoz morning to pick up Darling Daughter.

Caution! Not Christmassy!

The Weather, For One Thing

Your Humble Scribe is just back from walking Edna, and cannot feel the ends of his fingers thanks to windchill.  Going to be a cold one tonight.  STILL NO SNOW! a fact I grumble about, then I complain if it does arrive.  It gets tramped into ice on the pavements outside after the first day and is a slip hazard for a week, even more so if there's another snowfall.  Art!

     That's as festive and joyful as you're going to get.

     Our alternative title might be 'The Crash Cannibals' just not in the way you expect, because today in this Intro we're going to be talking about the morbid facts about Ruffian aviation of late.  Told you it wasn't going to be Yule logs and tinsel.

     Cascading aircraft disasters across Russia mark the collapse of the air fleet

     I've based this Intro about 'RFU' and their reports on recent crashes of aircraft within Mordorvia, plus what I remember from previous BOOJUM! items, and a bit of Googling.  The link to their vlog is above.  Art!

     

     They emphasise that these crashes are deep inside Ruffia, nowhere near the battlefields in Ukraine and thus cannot be explained away as hostile action - mostly.

     Firstly I would like to point out that Ruffia's passenger airliners have become increasingly dangerous to fly in, thanks to sanctions curtailing spare parts, software updates and Boeing and Airbus maintenance.  This has led to some airlines trying to get access to spares by using the 'grey market', which is very dodgy as counterfeiters have already struck.  Art!

     A Ruffian business, BLMZ, supplied low-quality ball-bearings which were then installed in Il-76 transport planes, which then had to be grounded whilst an investigation was carried out.  Art!

     A Rossiya Airlines Sukhoi S-100 lost part of an engine on takeoff and had to make an emergency diversion.  Four of this aircraft type have crashed with the loss of 89 passengers and crew.

     Perhaps as much as a third of the Ruffian passenger fleet,  some 400 aircraft, have now been 'cannibalised', which means being stripped for parts to keep the other 800 aircraft flying.

    In RFU's First Incident, they mention the recent loss of an Antonov An-22 cargo plane, which had been in service for over 50 years and was long past being safe to fly.  It was supposedly making a test flight when it broke apart in mid-air, all 7 crew being killed.  Art!

This is not what a plane should ever look like

    There are speculations that the 'repair work' was never carried out, just faked or signed off on without any checks.  The plane was still in use as Ruffia didn't have any replacements for it.

     Incident Two concerned the 'accidental' activation of an Su-34's ejection system WHILE IT WAS STILL IN THE HANGAR.  Art!

     Both crew were killed instantly when they were propelled into the concrete roof at 40 m.p.h.  Doubtless Su-34 operations are now going to be made much slower because no aircrew are going to get into an airframe that may kill them, without carrying out a very close inspection.  It's not clear if the accident was the result of incompetence, sabotage, poor maintenance or all three combined.

     Incident Three was the crashing of an Su-35 at Kubinka, when it came in to land after being scrambled to intercept a Ukrainian drone.  Details are sketchy as the orcses like to keep cagey about embarrassing losses.  Art!

For illustrative purposes only

 
     Incident Four: at  Lipetsk, an Mig-31 crashed on approach when the landing gear malfunctioned, no photos available, aircrew said to have ejected but still badly injured.  Sounds like the landing gear did not deploy.  Art!

For illustrative purposes only

     In Incident Five, an Su-30 in Karelia crashed during a training flight, killing both aircrew, implying that it was so sudden and unexpected that they had no time to eject, suggesting serious structural failure.  No pictures once again.  

     Incident Six is even more hazy.  A Ka-52 attack helicopter crashed in the Volgagrad region, killing both crew, with no Ruffian official confirmation or causation.  Ruffian milbloggers all in a pother about it.

     Incident Seven is the crash of a Ka-226 in Dagestan, which actually has a verification video.  Art!

     The pilot hits the ground, breaking the tail boom, gets back into the air, falls into the water and then takes off again before losing control and crashing, killing all aboard, who were a clutch of engineering VIPs.  It's not clear why the first ground strike occurred, possibly instrument malfunction?

     RFU - I ought to clarify this stands for 'Reporting From Ukraine' and not any other much naughtier acronyms you may guess at - clarifies the reasons for this ongoing problem, which are not only sanctions, although these have made electronic components impossibly hard to source.  There are shortages of spare parts for a 'legacy fleet' of aircraft, Soviet-era components being harvested via cannibalisation and the loss of skilled technical staff.  Unbelievably, VDV ground technicians are being sent as sunflower-fodder to Ukraine, so desperate are the Ruffians for more meat.  The key specialists who are needed to keep legacy equipment running are getting to be a rare resource.

     This is a systemic problem that is going to get incrementally worse.  Ooops.

     I could fill the rest of this blog with stuff about Ukraine and Modern-day Mordor but am not going to be that cruel.

What Were They Thinking?

Another bizarre entry from the 'Museum Of Failure', which I need to dig around to find a more representative photograph.  Art!

     This was a range of - ah - 'ketchup' that Heinz debuted in 2000.  Conrad loathes ketchup and cannot understand anyone who likes either tomato-flavoured sugar or sugar-flavoured tomato, whichever of the two it is.

     The colour range encompassed: Blastin' Green, Funky Purple, Stellar Blue, Passion Pink, Awesome Orange and Totally Teal.  Art!

In case you were wondering, as I was.

     Sales were good at first, but over time their child market grew up and by 2006 people weren't buying it any more, so it got discontinued.  A victory for taste and decency, if you ask me.

We've Seen This One Before

Lazerpig, the Youtube vlogger who is hilarious but also rather sweary, had a short item that I'm unsure is either satire, reportage or utter nonsense, about Donnie Dorko stating that South Canada is going to be building 'Trump' class battleships <needle skating over vinyl sound> which is 

     ANYWAY before we analyse that bonkerism, let me copy and paste a sly Twitter take on this.  Art!

Kein Mensch Kein Tier

@KampfmitKette

·

22h

EXCLUSIVE: The US Army has started the development of the new M1000 Trump Main Battle Tank. It will be the largest, biggest and bestest Tank in the World.

     This, of course - obviously! - is the Teuton 'Ratte', a projected 1,500 ton monster mounting the turret from a battleship and propelled by twin U-boat engines.  Purely theoretical, which doesn't stop wargamers from wanting  a 1/72 scale replica, and from satirical Tweeters.

The Ruffians Don't Like Being Reminded Of This

Fleets of battleships have only clashed twice, before the arrival of the aircraft carrier rendered them mostly redundant.  The first occasion was at the Battle Of Tsushima, which the Ruffians lost, in keeping with their appallingly bad leadership in the Russo-Japanese War.  Art!

     If you think the orcses leaders are bod now, go read up about this war and get back to me.

     The second battlefleet engagement was the Battle Of Jutland, which the Teutons liked to pretend they won, apart from the totally-hiding away in port for the next 2 years bit.  Art!

Royal Navy battleship squadron looking for a fight.

Finally -

I shall close with another  Bierceism, because we need the Word Count and because he's witty in a catty way.

'Desertion,n.  An aversion to fighting as exhibited by abandoning an army or a wife.'

The Gallery Of 'Very Bad Ideas' Continues To Fascinate

 Once Again We Are Indebted To The 'Museum Of Failure'

That splendid resource of human ambition being thwarted by real life, gravity and common sense.  Which is less common than you might hope or expect.  The fact that Hom. Sap. has not already destroyed itself with nuclear war is one to ponder when you consider what other terminally stupid ideas they have come up with.  Art!

     I can tell you right now, because the item they mention here is the 'Fyre Festival' which we have covered before on the blog.  What were they thinking?  "Let's do the festival right now and become legends!" is what they thought.  This, from a group of people with exactly 0% experience in organising music festivals, whom indulged in a cubic ton of pre-event publicity WITH NO ACTUAL PLANNING.  Art!

     They employed a whole lot of influencers and models to promote an event they hadn't organised in the slightest, thinking that they could outsource everything.  Hot tip: they couldn't.  It was an embarrassing debacle in every respect, with the CEO, Billy McFarland, ending up doing a six-year stretch in pokey.  Art!

     Given that Fyre was in 2017, and the laggardly South Canadian legal process, he might be at liberty once more.  If he is, expect a verrrry low media profile and cosmetic surgery.

     One of the things about coming back to a scandal like this years later is that we now know more about McFarland's background, since he was described back in 2017 as a successful tech entrepreneur.   This is utter nonsense; as the FBI now assert, he was a serial scamming fraudster who ripped off investors to the tune of $26 million. 

     Oooops.

     O I just checked - Ol' Bill is out of jail as of 2022.  Caveat emptor.

     ANYWAY I had no intent of covering Fyre again, rather another entry on 'MOX' that sounds so bizarre it has to be true.  Art!

     'Skipper', in case you were blissfully unaware, as Conrad was, is the younger sister of Barbie, invented by Mattel in 1964.  Ten years later, in a decision possibly made thanks to PCP getting into their cocaine supplies, execs at Mattel approved a Skipper doll that, if the left arm was moved, acquired - I am going to have to be careful here - secondary female sexual characteristics.  Check out the profiles to starboard.

     I cannot tell.  Needless to say, except I'm going to say it, this doll did not go down well, except with possibly a verrrrry niche male purchasing tranche, which is where we shall move on.  Art!

     No, we're going to go with 'Little Miss No Name' because gently shoeing Donold Judas Trump can have it's own item.  Art!

     Produced by toy giant Hasbro in 1965, LMNN was intended to be a stern corrective to Barbie, wearing a scorched jute sack, going barefoot, without any fashion accessories and looking as if the world had ganged up on her.

    Surprise! the range was not a success, so much so that it was rapidly withdrawn from circulation, meaning that anyone with a pristine LMNN can now make book on selling it.
     If you think this is bad .....

     Art!

    

     This is the opening shot on 'MOX' for the 'Uroclub' which is described as 'Combined urinal and golf club'.  NO I am not making this up.  The idea is that male golfers - who seem to be the predominate gender in golfing - use it to discreetly empty their bladders whilst off carousing on the greens.  Conrad is not entirely sure the whole thing is a hoax, since I do not golf nor do I know any golfers.  Art!

    

     Introduced in 2008, there are still adverts on teh Interwebz about this device, with the one above, with the rather worrying addendum -

Uroclub? Is that a golf club you urinate in? It sure is! Each Uroclub holds half a liter of processed Liquid Death water or iced tea. Get this cutting-edge advancement in urination technology today.

     Er - no.

     Just no.

     Conrad knows very well what iced tea is, 'Liquid Death water' sounds like a brand of whisky, but no way on God's green earth do I want to ever ever ever  consume either after they inhabit an Uroclub.

     You may be wondering what else 'MOX' has to offer.  I shall not disappoint you.

A Defining Moment

More like a defining week.  As you are so surely aware, Conrad is an unapologetic supporter of Ukraine, and has been a citric critic of Putinpot for Lo! these many years.  The little gimp does not like this criticism but cannot do anything about it because that would mean emerging, wasp-like, from his underground nuclear bunker.

    ANYWAY ANYWAY the thing is, Ukraine continues to push the envelope, meaning that orcses are now vulnerable very far away from home.  Art!

     This is a Ruffian shadow-fleet tanker on fire in the Mediterranean, where, apparently aboard it, one of the Ruffian orchestrators responsible for war crimes in Ukraine, who was a passenger, is now bones and ash.  

     The orcses are now seeing a problem, because Turkey does not allow military units or supplies through the Bosphorus or Dardanelles, so if Ukraine has gotten drones into the Med, they have managed to bypass the Turks.  Who might not, honestly, be checking so  diligently after a couple of their tankers in Ukrainian waters were hit by Ruffian drones.  This is called 'consequences' or the unsafe acronym FAFO.

     This, after Ukraine has repeatedly hit Ruffian oil platforms in the Caspian Sea, sunk other Ruffian tankers and defeated Ruffian cavalry attacks - yes really - on the battlefield.

     Watch this space.

At Your Beck And Call

We have mentioned, of late, the rock guitarist's rock guitarist, Jeff Beck, whom was insanely talented in wringing sounds out of the six-stringed succubus, but whom also retained a touchingly humble attitude and preferred a pint of beer to exotic chemical cocktails.  Art!

BECK'S BOLERO (1967) by the Jeff Beck Group - with backwards guitar ending

     

     Yes, THAT Jimmy Page, and John Paul Jones, half of Led Zeppelin in later years, and Keith Moon, the legendary nutjob drummer from The Who, and - er - Nicky Hopkins, who was an equally legendary pianist it seems - Art!

Nicky in 1973

     This song was created in 1966, before anyone thought to make a portfolio of film or still images, so all that exists is the music track itself.  To quote Jeff himself about the recording:

I was using a Les Paul for the lead guitar and for the backwards slide guitar through a Vox AC30 - it was the only amp I had and it was covered with beer! Actually, I think it was the beer that gave it it's sound!

     This is not a man who is precious about his talent.

Just To Continue With The 'Gentle Shoeing' Theme

Or maybe not so gentle. Art!

"I have the greatest congitive tests ever!"

     Repeated cognitive tests are doctors looking to see how poorly their subject is doing, not a thing to boast about.

     As you should surely know by now, we here at BOOJUM! have long loathed the Big Orange Oaf Himself for many years, and delight in proffering tales of his stupidity and boorishness.  What is now stacking up are tales from insiders, including medical ones, about how his dementia is playing out in real life, causing Long Sleepy Moments during official meetings.  

     Sleepy Joe Says Hello.

     The White House is trying and lying about this, hoping to make Donold appear as Donald, to limited extent.  Trust me on this, keep a photo library on this subject and you'll thank me in 2027.  

     Don't get me started on that flipping ballroom!

"2000AD do a picture of Donold!

Finally -

To those of you whom worry, No! BOOJUM! does not discriminate against the South Canadians, and certainly not Ambrose Bierce, one of whom's  aphorisms we append here:

'Mausoleum,n: The final and funniest folly of the rich'

      Watch this space.