THROW THE MONEY INTO THE VOLCANO!

I Apologise (A Little) For All Caps

The title is one I came up with myself when watching either The Critical Drinker or Ryan Kinel's "Outpost" on Youtube, when they go to town on a studio - Disney is usually the target for their thunderbolts - which has spawned yet another box office disaster.  I refer you to TCD's list of reasons why Hollywood makes so many awful films, which is quite cogent and well-argued.  Art!

     This is Ryan frankly gloating about how badly Indy 5 was doing at the box office, with a budget of $387 million plus another $100 in promotion and advertising, meaning it lost about $300 million in total.  The P & A and distribution costs are often ignored by those trying to tot up profit and loss on pictures, so bear that in mind.     Art!

   

     Thus Conrad's crack about the studio taking a shipping container, cramming it full of hundred-dollar bills, taking it underslung 'neath a Chinook and dumping it into Vatnajokull's broiling caldera.  Art1

     This would be an elegantly simple solution, cutting out all the expensive, time-consuming nonsense about making a film in between getting a script and tying up post-production CGI. Money-container-volcano-ashes.  Simples!

     "To what do we owe this acerbic commentary on the South Canadian film industry, Conrad, O thou irredeemable cynic?" I hear you cry.

     I thought you'd never ask!  Because I came across an item on the browser feed, which is irresistible to a horrid old curmudgeon like myself.  Art!

     Buckle in, I'm not sure how long this Intro will be, just that it will involve a whole 'Ever Ace' of money-stuffed containers by the time we're through, and to keep things manageable I shall only total up the Disney films, which might make the House of Mouse grouse.  Art!

     The blurb that led into the article did caution that the box office totals had been adjusted for inflation, so these are now 2024 totals, not from when the film was released back in the day.  Art!

THE 13TH WARRIOR 1999: Lost $227 million.    Only for those who cannot bear to miss films featuring a cod-Muslim running around the fjords of Norway.  Which audience does not include Conrad.  RUNNING TOTAL $227 MILLION.  Art!

     THE ALAMO 2004.  Lost $146 million.  "Remember the Alamo!" was the tagline, and of course nobody does because nobody went to see it.  After all, what need is there to remake it after the John Wayne classic?  RUNNING TOTAL $373 MILLION.  Art!

MARS NEEDS MOMS 2011.  Lost $187 million.  It's obvious why - that should be spelled "MUMS" you trans-Atlantic lexicon loafers.  RUNNING TOTAL $560  MILLION.

     JOHN CARTER 2012: Lost $250 million.  Conrad actually has this on DVD and it's a blast of a film, one of those engage-eyeballs-put-brain-in-neutral-gobble-popcorn-by-the-bucket films.  O well.  RUNNING TOTAL $810 MILLION.  Art!

     THE LONE RANGER 2013: Lost $239 million.  Unseen by Your Humble Scribe and it will remain thus.  Conrad not keen on seeing Chicken-on-head-man.  RUNNING TOTAL $1,049 MILLION.  Art!

TOMORROWLAND 2015.  Lost $185 million.  I think a better description would be  "TOOMUCHMORROWLAND".  RUNNING TOTAL $1,234 MILLION.  Art!

A WRINKLE IN TIME 2019.  Lost $152 million.  Conrad read the novel aeons ago - okay, probably 50 years ago - and cannot remember anything about it, although the critical consensus seems to be that it's a classic.  The film certainly isn't.  RUNNING TOTAL $1,386 MILLION.  Art!

MULAN 2020.  Lost $159 million.  Conrad saw the animated version when Darling Daughter was younger and was, frankly, unimpressed.  The Mongol threat to China amounted to about 5 enemy.  I wonder if they increased this total for the film, but not enough to actually watch it.  RUNNING TOTAL $1,545 MILLION.  Art!

     ONWARD 2020.  Lost $147 million.  Conrad will pause his torrent of invective as I've not seen this film and know absolutely nothing about it.  May be good, may be bad.  We may yet see.  RUNNING TOTAL $1,692 MILLION.  Art!

     JUNGLE CRUISE 2021.  Lost $162 million.  Hmmmm colour Conrad suspicious, this looks like Disney were trying to do an entirely un-necessary remake of "The African Queen", so I hope all involved were inflicted with boils and agues.  RUNNING TOTAL $1,854 MILLION.  Art!

STRANGE WORLD 2022: Lost $199 million.  Hmmm more like "STRANGLE WORLD", doncha think?  RUNNING TOTAL $2,053 MILLION.  Art!
  

     TURNING RED 2022.  Lost $167 million.  Well of course it did!  Do you think the average patriotic South Canadian is going to see a film about Communist subversion?  Bah!  RUNNING TOTAL $2,220 MILLION.

     Or, if you like, $2.22 billion.  Spread over 23 years, which makes it alright.

     NOT!

Conrad Steps Up

For the next two weeks Your Humble Scribe is going to be the Designated Dog-sitter, being at Edna The Entitled's beck and call.  With Walking Responsibility, which is no fun in this weather.

     Hmmmmm I wrote that a couple of hours ago and the rains have ceased, with blue skies and fluffy clouds replacing the concrete-grey ten-tenths cover of earlier.

     We shall see if this persists after I finish work and hie us hence on walkies.  Art!

Portrait of Edna anticipating

Bernie Wrightson

Another of those Random Pop-Up In My Head words or phrases, which I made sure to note down on my PIP workbook amidst notes of surgery names, postcodes and other frippery.

     Who is (or was) he?  Art!

     Past tense, he waltzed off this mortal coil seven years ago.  He was an artist known for co-creating "Swamp Thing" - about a Thing that lives in the swamp - and illustrating "Frankenstein", which is where this mental flotsam comes from, as I distinctly remember an illustration of his in a magazine or comic a good twenty years ago.  Art!

"Frankenstein's Monster found out Viktor had scoffed the last Ding-Dong"

     This is really only a placeholder item, as I'm prettttty sure we'll be coming back to Bernie.  O yes indeed.

"City In The Sky"

Ace and Captain Kirwin are back down in Australia, as the shades of night are falling on the edge of what passed for civilisation there.

By this time sunset had begun.  The growing darkness allowed the flames of a small fire to stand out on the road at the edge of New Eucla and bring into relief a scattering of tents and tethered horses that centred around the stone-circled flames.

     ‘Hoi!’ came a hoarse shout.  ‘You there!’ and red firelight glinted on the barrel of a shotgun.

 

     ‘Sorry about that,’ explained the sentry.  ‘We didn’t expect anyone else from the Stars to come down.  Was it Doctor Smith and his big blue box of tricks that brought you here?’

     Gnawing at salted, barbecued crocodile steak, Ace nodded.  There were at least a dozen people in the camp, a couple of them Euclans, the rest members of the South Australia Police who had come to investigate what on earth was happening off the Eyre Highway.  News of the Lithoi had spread far beyond the coastal communities thanks to the efficient courier network; not a few of the sinister alien lizards had been detected in their human-shaped disguises and killed.

     ‘The Doctor won’t like that,’ frowned Ace.  ‘Not big on killing, you know.’

     ‘More like “committed suicide”,’ explained the SAP on sentry-duty.  ‘Or “remote-control killed”.  We don’t think their bosses like them being taken alive.’

     The utter cads and bounders!

The Spotlight Falls On Another Very Naughty Boy

Namely, Matt Gaetz a.k.a. Eddie Munster, that unlovable girning bumbletuck who has managed to stay out of jail despite his ex-best friend forever, whom committed the same crimes at the same times, going to prison for 10 years.

     The House Ethics Committee are now poking their long, inquisitive noses into Matt's party conduct, where he REDACTEDREDACTEDREDACTED illegal drugs and REDACTED seventeen-year old back in the day, also REDACTEDREDACTED a few years back.  Yes, that kind of 'party', nothing to do with Politics.

     Matt is surely getting a little sweaty beneath the armpits, because the HEC can kick him out of Congress without going through any judicial process; they did the same with that venal vapid vainglorious venereal vilious viper George Santos.

     Bring on the buckets of popcorn!

Finally -

Edna is fretting at being cooped up all day, thanks to Conrad being a working man; you know Edna, earning money to pay for your steak fillet and salmon, you ingrate.

     Better put the Skechers on and take her for a trot.  Rain keep off!