Conrad Used His Thinking Time Today
Whilst walking Edna this evening, because there are no distractions such as laptops, Margherita pizza-flavoured crisps, a Book Mountain, first-flush loose-leaf Darjeeling or Codewords. Thus, I was contemplating what the Intro could be about, and how to work in "Black Swan Event", and then realised that we could probably have a whole blog about -
SWANS! Art?
This, ladies and gruntlehogs, is the "Hooded Swan", a starship of a different breed, as depicted in the sci-fi novels by Brian Stableford. Conrad read all six of them when I was much younger, and the central protagonist, Grainger, is a cynical curmudgeon whom I consider to be a splendid role model.
Well, that's introduced swans, with a nice Angus McKie picture to ensnare the unwary passers-by.
We've started in the middle, so let's go back to the beginning.
"Swan: Any of large aquatic birds having a long neck and usually a white plumage" says my Collins Concise. The word derives from Old English, and is of Teutonic origin, being "Schwan" in Teuton and "Zwaan" in Dutch. So now we know. Art!
Say hello to the Swan River, Perth, South West Australia. It rises at Narrogin and runs for 150 miles to the Indian Ocean. Art!
Natalie looking perfectly delicious
Conrad knows nothing about this film, except that Nat plays a lumberjack who aspires to be a pointillist artist but is hampered by her alligator hands and allergy to oxygen dancer or similar. It's possible that it's a 'psychological thriller', which means that nothing happens, but there are lots of sinister shadows, and probably a haunting oboe or two, and when she shuts the medicine cabinet suddenly there's a figure behind her. That sort of stuff.
ANYWAY it does allow me to work in the concept of a "Black Swan Event", which tickled my imagination so much I put it down in my notes as Item #1. Art!
You might also call it an "Act of God", "Bolt from the blue" or "A fly in the ointment", IF you imagine said fly to be the size of a car. A Buick not a Yugo.
To carry out a thought experiment, imagine that Peter The Average is haranguing his hapless minions via televisual monitor, when he suddenly turns purple and collapses dead onto his table. Massive heart attack brought on by endless intense stress and no medication, or perhaps one of Budanov's agents got close enough to spike his tea.
ANYWAY - nobody in the higher councils of Mordor expected this to suddenly happen; they were plotting behind the scenes for when Putinpot retired with a planeful of gold bullion to Norkland. NATO expected the maleficent midget to last a couple of years longer. Even Xi "Pooh Bear" wanted to squeeze more concessions from Dimya before he fell out of a window. Art!
That's a BSE. Out of nowhere, havoc is created, and the consequential ripples take a long time to settle. Art!
Imagine if the apocalypse in "The Stand" had come about because of global nuclear war, rather than a plague. Imagine if, instead of two groups representing Good and Evil, there were a lot more with all the shades in-between. And matters run for years and years. Art!
Shades of Icarus. This was a record label, in case you were wondering, founded by Led Zeppelin in 1974, both to promote their own records and those of other musical acts that had a hard time getting contracts in the business. The band, who were making an absolute mint at the time, had previously been signed to Atlantic, whose contract with them expired in 1973. We mentioned Bad Company last week, and guess what! they were signed to the label. It folded in 1983 with the dissolution of Led Zeppelin themselves, and their manager Peter Grant (who was President) suffering a marked decline in health. Art!
That's Ornella Muti. She was the sexy black-clad bad bitch in "Flash Gordon"
Okay now it's getting silly. Time to take flight.
You Must Be DOG BUNS! Joking!
Conrad has occasionally checked back on Abebooks to see if Robert McCammon's opus has come down in price to that of a normal book, not one hand-written in gold leaf on vellum with tooled leather binding. Sadly not. Art!
It shouldn't cost more than £10 for P & P, either, the rip-off merchants. Plus, they seem to have employed a seven-year old with a box of fibre-tip pens to do the cover illustration. They should be paying me.
Dog Buns! an edition signed by Ol' Bob himself goes for a third of this one.
Now For Whimsy Done By Nerds
And laid on with a concrete-mixer. Conrad came across an hilarious Youtube channel 'Brick Technology', which is living proof that some people have far too much time on their hands. This particular vlog was called "Sinking Lego Ships" and it does exactly what it states on the tin. Art!
The target
BT's avowed aim is to sink this Lego construct, which is a 'boat' definitely not a 'ship'. Art!
Step One
 |
| Step Two |
 |
| Step Three |
Cue sinister oboe music "HELLLLLP!"
The - what do we call it? Catapult? Ballista? Cannon? - begins firing, with Ol' BT carefully aiming it to hit the hapless helpless target. He added a second rubber band so the plastic projectiles hit even harder than before, and was rewarded, if that's the right word, with a successful sinking. Art!
We're only 1:03 minutes into an 11-minute vlog. What can possibly come next?
"City In The Sky"
Ace is wondering what one of the Nullarbor Plain dingoes wants with her party, because the preternaturally smart creatures don't turn up on a whim.
‘Dingo. Dancing. Over there,’ interrupted Ace as loudly as
possible, pointing. A collective gasp
went up, bar Mike, who made an “Oh!” of surprise before rooting around in a
pocket.
‘Don’t shoot it, you drongos!’ he snapped,
throwing a small dark object at the dingo, which snapped it up with relish. Ace recognised a jelly-baby, doubtless from
the Prof’s personal stash.
Mike came over to stand by
Ace.
‘It’s that pack leader the
Doctor brought back. What’s he want?’
The dingo, emboldened, came
slowly forward, gently took the trim of Ace’s boilersuit in it’s teeth and
tugged at her.
‘I think he likes you,’ joked
one of the Australians.
‘I think he wants you to
follow him,’ voiced Kirwin. ‘Let me get
a rifle and we’ll follow. No!’ she
added, turning to see several of her audience getting ready, too. ‘Ace and me alone. The smallest group possible.’
She picked up a rucksack and
hefted another one at Ace.
‘Are you Mike Velic?’ she
asked, to a nod from Mike. ‘The
Mayor. Okay Mayor, I’m leaving these
weapons in your charge.’
With that, the threesome of
humans and dingo set off.
We shall see what we shall see.
What Is This I See Before Me?
Art!
Conrad - still hates all musicals.
Finally -
Conrad is off on leave for three days now, much to the delight of Edna, who will thus get two walks per day, and get her Human Shaped Cushion into training. Not only that, Darling Daughter and Quiet Tom are picking up the keys for their new house tomorrow, so I, as a Dad, need to visit and take plentiful photos for those of us not able to be present, thanks to currently being swanning about on a cruise ship.
Counting down to Ambrose Bierce's 182nd birthday.
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