Tis The Year Of The Hagfish

Bear With Me, This Is One Of Those That Take A While

Hopefully the hilarious subject matter will make it worthwhile.  If not - well, it's not as if you have to pay for this scrivel, is it?  

     I did seriously think about titling this one "Anti-Zodiacal Light", then decided against, as Alastair Reynolds might sue, which is admittedly a very faint possibility.  0.001% still isn't zero.  Of course - obviously! - Conrad now has to explain what he means.  Art!

     One of the characters in the novel above christens their stolen light-hugger (starship capable of travelling at relativistic speeds) "Zodiacal Light" because he'd been a slave with a giant zodiac sign etched into his skin.

     Conrad, feeling inimical and malicious, decided to do his own, inverted, version of the Chinese calendar with all it's Oxs and Dragons and Balrogs (not quite sure about that last).  Let's have all the unpleasant and maleficent creatures of the world and honour them, hoorah!  Hence this evening's title.  Art!

     There you see the contrast: happy hagfish and hungry hunting hideous hagfish.  They can also produce awesome quantities of repellently disgusting slime when they feel threatened, in the hopes of putting off any predators desire to dine on their scrofulitic innards.  All round they are a nasty piece of work and definitely not someone to bring home to mother.

     ANYWAY I have another eleven creatures with a problematical appearance or history or both.  Here I confess Conrad has bowed to the conventional judgement with which the world sits on some entrants <hangs head in shame> I feel so guilty.  O no wait a minute, I don't.
     After the Year Of The Hagfish comes - the Year Of The Shark.  Art!

Carcharodon Carcharias

     This creature is essentially a massive mobile murder machine, which relishes nothing more than delicious human fodder, which it devours with an array of fangs that march down it's gullet and which move forward as they get worn away, with the regularity of a dental death delivery device.

     Then we have The Year Of The Mole Rat.  Also known as Naked Mole Rat, which I avoid as a title since I know what fearful perverts you all are.  Art!

PUT SOME FUR ON!

     If human genitalia could become mobile and sentient (there's a horror story in there if you look hard enough) this is what they'd look like.  Since this is bordering on NSFW, let me explain that this hideous little beggar is of scientific interest because it lives for ages - 32 years, as compare to a mere 2 for a normal rat.  Doubtless clean living and a pure heart contribute.  Although that wouldn't explain why they are cancer-proof as well.  The little beggars live underground, so if the Third Unpleasantness kicks off, they'll probably inherit the world.

     I think this quarter of the annual cycle is enough for one evening, we have lots more reprehensible and frankly horrid candidates to come.  Don't forget, the Anti-Zodiac Calendar was first mentioned here.  Anyone else comes up with it and I want royalties.

NMR Clandestine Survival Bunker

Doctor Johnson, I Presume

If you read this afternoon's blog post, you know I had an item there that mocked the Ruffian armed forces, and I mentioned Doctor Johnson.

     I'm going to have to explain that, aren't I?  <deep impressive sigh that nonetheless has a significant element of smug in it>.  Samuel Johnson was one of the original British men of letters, responsible for creating a Dictionary, which means you all ought to bow down in reverent respect.  Art!

"Damn!  I did mis-spell 'Manouevre'"

     He was also quite a testy chap, who could be extremely damning when laying into people he didn't like (which one suspects was almost everybody).  On one occasion he reviewed a work that had been sent in for his approval.  "Your work is both good and original," he replied.  "But the part that is good is not original, and the part that is original is not good".  A put-down that still makes me chuckle over three hundred years later.

Let Us Have Another Winter Picture

You may notice that there was no polite question there, we're going to have this picture whether you want it or not.  Once again, whose blog is it?  Art!

Courtesy of Weather Watcher Scotty

     Wowsers.  This is a picture of the Northern Lights, taken at Findhorn Beach in the county of Moray, which is Scottish for those unaware.  You only get these displays at far northern latitudes.  'Scotty'?  Yes, you might have seen this as a special effect shot in "Starry Trex", except this here is real life.

After Lucent, Let's Have Torment

You may have seen what I did there.  Okay, as you should surely recall, our cranky hero Luma is interacting with his college's Sweet Young Thing, and not being horrid to her.  She had suggested he get poleaxed in order to get over his Recent Unpleasant Experience.

‘Not on my own, thank you very much.  I managed to scare and alienate all my friends away eighteen months ago, in my Hate The Whole World phase.  For me, a wild night out is walking to the end of the garden.’

               Showing remarkable restraint, Laura did not pry any further, which Louis appreciated.

               ‘I’m getting soft,’ he growled, half to her, half to himself.  ‘A month ago I’d just have snarled at you.’

               ‘You should try speed-dating,’ she suggested gaily, maybe not entirely seriously.

               ‘On your bike, young lady!’ he snorted.       

 

The spirits-who-wrote, as he classified them, were in a fey and warning mood.  Only a single sheet of A4, which was sufficient thanks to their harping on.

               “You be careful of that young lady” – Marjory

               “Watch Morgan and his cabal don’t use her to get to you” – Tobin

               “JREF isn’t my name you nong” – Harry

               “I can offer you lessons in how to woo young hearts if you want.  Man or woman, I don’t judge.  Or you may not be interested, which is okay too.”

               “Don’t spy on me in my private life!” wrote Louis.  Then he added more “!” for emphasis. 

               Sat at the computer with coffee and biscuits, he decided to look for JREF on the internet, and was rewarded virtually instantly with “James Randi Educational Foundation”.  Reading on, the JREF was a skeptical website that promoted scientific investigation and debunking of the supernatural and alleged supernatural.  The big catch was a one million dollar award for anyone who proved, under strict scientific controls, paranormal ability.  Louis scanned the site further, seeing a crusade against fake psychics, mediums, clairvoyants and other such tricksters.

     I don't think I need censor 'nong' as it's not entirely clear what one of these is.

Metal Sheds And Overheads

Ah yes we are back to South Canadian astronomical observatories, and remain in the state of New Mexico.  The reason so many star gazing sites exist out here is because there is minimal light and weather pollution, and they have mountains to sit and stare from.  Art!

     This is Apache Point Observatory, which is based at - honestly, I'm not making this up - Sunspot, New Mexico.  Art!

     That there overhead is the ARCSAT - Astronomy Research Consortium Small Aperture Telescope.  Art!

     And that's the Sloan Digital Sky Survey telescope, with puny humans for scale.  It scans the whole of the night sky to spot alien UFO intruders in order to plot an accurate stellar map in as much detail as possible.  It is housed in a big metal shed when not in use, probably to protect it from the elements rather than burglars, as the market for these puppies is vanishingly small.

And with that we are done!