This Is Bad

Not What You're Reading

Of course not!  What is unscrolling beneath your glazzies is choice entertainment, which cannot fail but to be good.  Right?

     No, I was referring to "Thunderbirds", possibly the most famous of all futurologist Gerry Anderson's television shows, even if Conrad preferred the much darker and more sinister "Captain Scarlet And The Mysterons" which is a story we shall come back to on another day.  I promise.  Art!

     This here is the Crablogger, and Your Humble Scribe well remembers the dizzying heights of fame and success he experienced when the post about it hit as many as 70 views.  No idea why.  Perhaps some combin

     ANYWAY in all 'Thunderbirds' episodes there would be A Situation Of Imminent Peril, which we the audience were well aware of, because why else does this program exist if not to pose Situations Of Imminent Peril?  'International Hanging Around On The Off-Chance Of Something Dire Happening' is not a catchy title.  Let me see if I can prod Art into something approaching consciousness - 

     Here we can see the Martian Probe Rocket being transported over the Allington Bridge.  This is when you'd get the DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNNN music in the background, informing you that this is, indeed, A Situation Of Imminent Peril.  "This is bad," is the subtext we all knew about.  "Just how bad remains to be seen," is what we speculated upon.  A gigantic rocket being slooooowly transported over a suspension bridge - what could possibly go wrong?

I had to ask

    Before you ask, yes, South Canadian bridges are renowned for exploding before they collapse, I think they have to work TNT into the girders by law.  Art!

An 'Ooops!' of epic proportions

     I use this as an example of SOMEONE not paying attention to bridge loading limits, and how we got used to hearing DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNN as an aural cue for Imminent Peril.  This may explain why the modern world is so Dog Buns'd up, since todays movers and shakers are all of the Gerry Anderson generation, and they expect to hear a sinister three-chord theme before things turn out to be Bad.

     O in case you were curious, the aresnauts in the Martian Probe Rocket all survived.  'Ares" - Greek for 'Mars' and not an anagram of a

     Motley!  Bring on the crossbow and bottle of tetrodotoxin, for I feel the urge to stalk Alan Carr and Russell Brand, neither of whom have a place in the world when I take over.  Or long before then, if I can help it.

James Bond Meets Real Life

This happens more often that you think.  For example REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REFER MI5 NO DISPERSAL erines.  So, 'Forgotten Weapons' recently featured the UC9, a gun disguised as a harmless box.  Art!

Gun Jesus has spoken!

     That's FW's Ian with what looks like a harmless metal box.  WRONG!  O SO WRONG!  WRONG AS yes we get the idea.  These weapons were designed to look as alli as shizzle, and even turned up in "Robocop 2", where they were disguised as radios, and I can prove it.  Art!

     A Before and After that kind of kills laughter.  Ian struggles to find a coherent reason for these things being designed, citing VIP protection, personal defence and finally, the indisputable one of having a cool as shizzle sub-machine gun that James Bond would be happy using.  Art!

     It flipping well works, and quite effectively.  SMERSH 0 Ian Fleming 1.

Conrad. Still Seething.

I know, I know, you're sitting there thinking 'So what's new?'  How can I put this - THE CODEWORD COMPILERS ARE TAKING THE <insert swear here> AND I WILL HAVE THEIR TRIPES FOR ORNAMENTS.  So nice of you to pay attention.  Bring on the dancing hearses.

"HAIKU": Conrad has been aware of haikus since the early Seventies, when Ilya Kuryakin brought them up as subject matter in "The Man From U.N.C.L.E.", which is obviously from an alternate universe where the Cold

     ANYWAY did they forget that this had been used a few months before?  Because Conrad and his legendary memory had not.  A five-letter word ending in "U"?  

Burgu?

"ANEURYSM": Ah yes, that one WHAT ARE WE ALL DOCTORS NOW??  <quivers with inchoate rage> allow me to look it up in my Collins Concise.  "A sac formed by abnormal dilation of the weakened wall of a blood vessel".  Thus I can now legitimately shriek WHAT THE BLOODY HELL and still remain within our SFW guidelines.  Art!

A bloody well

"BEAU": O yes?  We've had so many words of French descent in connection with Codeword that I think we're going to have a little excursion down the Champs D'Elysees that involves the Remote Nuclear Detonator.  Although I am reminded of that Elbow album that features 'Elle' and 'Beau' as wax mannequins, which last is another French word.  Art!

     Quitting now whilst blood pressure levels are not into the troposphere.

You Want Torment?  I'll Give You Torment

O yeah.  If you recall, Luma had just made the acquaintance of an evil spirit that seemed determined - Hell-bent if you like - on introducing his insides to his outsides.

Taking a backward leap, he got out of the bathroom and jumped into the bedroom, feeling and hearing those talons rasp down the back of his tee-shirt, stinging as they scored his back.  He dived for his bed as the spirit came through the wall, thrust his hand underneath and endured a moment of panic and terror before reaching the bracelet.

               ‘Now let’s see!’ he seethed, facing the thing and seeing it clearly.

               Not pleasant.  Naked, sinewy, with coarse matted hair covering arms and leg, the spirit stood at his height, glaring red eyes looking at him, the slitted pupils dilating in the dim bedroom light.  Wrinkled skin the colour and texture of pickled walnuts could be seen on the thing’s torso, and on it’s bald head.  Incongruously bandy legs ended in hairy feet that ended in more claw-like nails.  It had an air of cruelty, and intelligence lower than human but still dangerous.   When it realised he had the bracelet it hissed and began to vanish.

               Not before Louis threw the heavy silver ornament and saw it pass through the spirit’s bowels, causing an echoing shriek of pain that rang in his ears.  Well aware it might reappear, he jumped to get the bracelet back, then dashed into the bathroom on legs that trembled badly, clutching the crucifix and putting the necklace back over his head.

               It was after midnight when the Professor put in an appearance.  Since Louis had the large bedroom light on, the spirit looked less forbidding than usual.

     Our hero saves the day!  I always knew he would, after all I wrote this scrivel and should remember what I composed.  No doubt The Prof gives him an earful.

Finally -

Currently listening to a Youtube broadcast from a correspondent of 'The Telegraph', who is interviewing one Mark Galleoti, whom I had never heard of before.  Mr. Galleoti turns out to be very well-informed about history in general, and that of Ruffia in particular.  One of the commentators stated that he was their professor at university, that he had a formidable reputation and whose lectures were enjoyed rather than endured.

      Wallet squeaks in anguish!