Not BOOJUM!
Certainly not, for are we not more SFW than a lettuce sandwich? Or a bag of Mint Imperials - actually that's a bad example, Conrad would collapse into a diabetic coma were he to actually partake of the deliciously enticing little minty balls of unhallowed sugary de
ANYWAY enough of what I can't have. I was attempting to make a point. Now
Where were we? O yes -
LAZERPIG! You have been warned about Mister Pig's Youtube channel, for he can get verrrrry sweary, especially when he loses his patience with the Wehraboos and Commieboos. Art!
Lazerpig the one in the shades
He doesn't post that often, unlike us here at the blog, who are driven with a ferocious alien work ethic because we don't muck about where I come from; get to work a few minutes late and within the hour you'll be a collection of disassembled organs sitting in a freezer.
About once per month, and his latest update is about that ruckus going on in Ukraine, which promises to be scathing enough to make Dimya need his pocket hanky ordering in bed-sheet sizes <tweaks moustache ends and cackles>.
It will be satirical and mocking of Dimya, who, like all dictators, has ABSOLUTELY NO SENSE OF HUMOUR, not to mention a frightful sense of preciousness.
Hmmm, not quite, Art, not quite.
Although - there does seem to be a certain resemblance, doesn't there? In that lower picture he's throwing the finger so much his Mighty Ring Of Power seems to have flown off. Careful, Dimya, you don't want to be deposed if the masses learn that your Mighty Ring Of Power was substituted by one from a Christmas cracker by Seal Team Seven. After all, you don't have any transferrable skills; at least Herr Schickelgruber could have gone back to painting houses.
Annnnnd no, this isn't Politics, it is Satire, which means I get a free pass to be as horrid as possible to <brilliant satirical idea strikes, thanks Muse> -
POUTINE!
If you've never experienced this, then be advised it is a Canuckistanian creation and is markedly bad for you - just like a certain Tsarry-eyed dictator - being made up of chips*, cheese curds - which sounds like Cockney rhyming slang for an insult about Dimya - and gravy. Blanking on how gravy relates to the man himself. Lumpy? Thick? Slimy? Brown? I'll keep working on that one.
And if SNL come up with this insult in a routine I WANT ROYALTIES!
Dog Buns, motley, that's made me hungry.
Long Wavelength Array
That would make a splendid name for a band, wouldn't it? Electronic rock-pop from Southampton, influenced by Daft Punk, Royksopp and Johan Sebastian Bach.
Except no, it's another South Canadian astronomical site, one of many in New Mexico. Why New Mexico? Well I guess the South Canadians weren't at the front of the queue for nomic novelty - O I see. Because NM seems to be a great big stretch of desert, with huge open spaces entirely uncluttered by road, people, cars or cities, thus no light or meteorological pollution. Art!
There you go, the LWA with puny humans for scale. There are 255 other antennae like this one, picking up low-frequency radio waves in order to study all sorts of astronomical subjects with long names, such as magnetar emissions. Art!
THE ROBOT ARMY ADVANCES!
The plan is to eventually build huuuuuge numbers of these antennae, to the number of 13,000, so that even more astronomical subjects with long names can be studied. Wowsers. Not short of ambition, these chaps.
Keep Your Eyes Peeled
Not literally! Good lord aloft, even the thought makes Conrad the snivelling coward flinch, as he recaps that scene from "Raiders Of The Lost Ark" - you know what I'm talking about.
No, what I meant was that Conrad's attention has been off a little lately, because we are now about to REVIEW FILMS! and I ought to get their titles right. It's been a good while since we did a film review, so remember our rules: we make stuff up wholesale, we don't give a fig about accuracy, and we'll do anything that brings in more traffic. If you want a factual, objective review, go listen to Mark Kermode**. Let the farrago begin.
"CYRANO": Conrad only paid partial attention to the bus poster as it whizzed past him at perhaps as much as fifteen miles per hour (First Bus slackers!), and took it in as "CASANOVA" which is the Italian for 'New House' unless I miss my guess, and a jolly dire entertainment that would have been. Instead it's about Cy Rano, a South Canadian baseball pitcher with pleurisy and an abusive mother - Art!
O I dunno. It is an anageram of "CORNY" if that's any use.
"THE PHANTOM OF THE OPEN": AGAIN, Conrad, read what is there, not what you think is there. Inevitably I read that as "PHANTOM OF THE OPERA" and groaned inwardly. A remake and yet another musical?
In fact it's about golf, which - I am sticking pins under my fingernails to avoid falling asleep here - is about the dullest form of sport you can get, and is entirely bereft from Things Exploding.
Nah, it's only tomato puree
"THE BATMAN": Great Squeaking Bats! as we expostulate here occasionally. Also, Kreplach! Another remake, and one about cricket, which is only marginally less dull that golf. How many sporting films do they think the market can take?
Okay If I Have To Put Up With Torment ...
As you should surely recall, if you know what's good for you, Luma had narrowly avoided being shredded apart by an evil spirit. Then The Professor, his spirit mentor, arrived.
‘What’s
happened here?’ asked the spirit, looking around. ‘Lots of spirit activity.’
‘I was attacked,’ said Louis,
explaining his very narrow escape. The
Professor expressed profound horror at the negligence his ward displayed with
the protective impedimenta given him.
After a minute of lecture, he calmed down enough to ask for a
description of the spirit.
‘Pistolero,’ he decided. ‘One of Morgan’s lesser minions.’
‘Come on! Who call’s themselves “Pistolero”! Sound like a character from Pirates of the
‘That was his nickname. A Spaniard.
A rapist, murderer and torturer from their Civil War.’
‘He might not be so perky next
time. I threw my bracelet right in the
middle of him.’
‘Oho! And did it have any effect?’
‘He howled like a lost soul.’
The
Professor cupped an elbow in one hand and his chin in the other hand.
‘How very interesting. Possibly a mortal blow, Louis. Our chances to follow up with an
investigation are remote, I fear. Well,
let us treat this night as a chance to learn.’
His reply was a scathing look
from Louis, who felt, and with reason, that he’d learnt a very abrupt lesson
that he wasn’t ever going to forget.
‘You bet. A weapon in every room, and I never take the
crucifix off. That’s my lesson for
today.’
‘I prefer to think of the
artefacts as defences, Louis.
Defences. You aren’t going to
take the fight to the enemy, are you?’
‘Nooo, of course not,’ said Louis
on a reflex, then silently deciding the idea had merits.
‘This has been a more precipitate
attack than I anticipated. Perhaps
Morgan and his cohorts are more worried about you than I imagined. From now on you must be on your guard!’
Louis waved the silver bracelet
and the crucifix on it’s necklace.
Once bitten, twice shy.
Finally -
We are well over the Compositional Ton, so I shall wrap this up smartly and continue watching "Ozark", which has been gleefully killing off characters.
* CHIPS NOT FRENCH FRIES!
** Who is also a big fan of The Comsat Angels
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