Not Worried About Trick Or Treaters

I'm Typing This Up On Halloween

Rather than November 1st, just so you understand where I'm coming from.  You see, we have the barbed wire, which in itself puts off unwanted visitors, backed up by the Intelligent Hopping Anti-Train mines, which are frankly rubbish at blowing up human beings but which look verrrrrry threatening, what with their glowing red sensors that resemble evil eyes.  The laser defence-grid is more aligned to deal with air or missile attack so it's not very visible from ground level.  We do, however, have the Guard Hog and the Hard Hog (he was in "Razorback" you know, as a stunt double) and although both are essentially as tough as marshmallow, they look the part.  I mean, you wouldn't ask The Stath if he was a big fat pansy, would you?

"Are you a bi -"
<loud crunching noise>

     If you did I imagine your would whiz, not shuffle, off this mortal coil.

     And, of course, we have The Best Policeman: rain.  You don't want your expensive Halloween costume ruined by a downpour of Biblical proportions, do you?  Nor be struck by lightning.  The real thing, I hasten to add, and not Conrad idly chucking an empty bottle out the window.

Conrad: making his pictures work for it

     Since it is Halloween, Your Humble Scribe has decided that he's going to watch "Quatermass And The Pit" on his own, with the lights turned off.  Art!

     The television version, of course - obviously! - although since it's three hours long and I've got to be up early tomorrow, it's unclear if I'll manage to watch it all.  If I start watching it whilst typing this up I'll only finish after midnight.  As I jokingly remarked on Facebook, my hair is already white, it can't get any whiter*.

     Okay, Motley, whilst I reside in the comfort of my Sekrit Layr, I've arranged for you to go on a hospital tour.  It starts at 23:30 and the building was abandoned in 1969.  You'll need stout boots, a torch and a wooden stake.

"I'm Spartacus!"

Ah yes we shall continue Roel's commentary on this film - "Spartacus", do keep up! - which we started yesteryon.  If you recall, a Roman legion was about to attack the enormous rabble that constituted Sparty's army, who had a trick or two up their sleeve.  Art!

     "Flaming corndogs!" as Ol' Roel describes them.  The idea is that these incendiary devices will seriously disrupt the Roman's formation and cohesion, and do you know what?  They do.  Art!

Don't worry, he's a trained stunt professional.  We hope.

     Ol' Roel has the temerity to laugh at this scene, but does redeem himself by wishing the stuntman well, and that he wasn't too badly crushed or toasted.  Conrad suspects the Flaming Corndog is actually very lightweight, so no crushing, and that our trained professional is wearing fireproof clothing.  He does mock Hollywood's endless fascination with FIRE even if he admits this scene makes sense in that you're disrupting the Roman's formation.  Art!

Nope

     As Roel points out, battles in the ancient world didn't happen like this, with the dead carpeting the ground.  Morale would plummet if one's side were losing, and formations would break and run, which is when the really serious casualties would mount up, especially if the pursuers had cavalry, or if there was a battlefield obstruction like a river or ravine**.  This holds true even today, when the pursuers have tanks and helicopters.

     6/10 for effort, and Roel asks again about that poor flattened and fired stuntman.

Toad Of Toad Hall

Except not how you expected.  You thought this was going to be about "The Wind In The Willows", didn't you?  

     WRONG!

     Art, if you will -

Courtesy Vin Osbaldeston

     More of derelicts.  This is the last one, promise, until the BBC publishes another themed picture array.  ANYWAY this is Toad Hall, a former nightclub now fallen on hard times, because it's been closed for years.  The artwork on the exterior depicts the Natterjack Toad, for your elucidation.  Conrad is not surprised it closed down: going for a night out at a place including "Toad" in the title is not high on my list of likes.

The Truth Will Out.  But It Might Take A While

As you should surely know by now, we here at BOOJUM! tend to steer clear of politics, and I firmly deny that calling out Tsar Putin or The Only Fat Man In North Korea counts as politics - especially as it makes Dimya weep into his Stolichnya.  However, this one is too amusing not to recount.

Tee hee!

     You may recall a while back that Donald Trump, ex-president (who lost the popular vote in 2016 which he hates being reminded about), recently started a ground-breaking, earth-shattering, ankle-wobbling (work with me here) social media platform.  It was a blog.  It was so unsuccessful that it's been completely nuked from it's platform and you can't even find it archived anywhere.

     Well, Mister Trump - note we do not stoop to name-calling here - has just started another ground-breaking, earth-shattering, wrist-wobbling social media platform, called something with "Truth" in the title.  Art!

     However.

     Whoever is the technical director behind this is probably collecting their pink slip*** and last paycheck, because they didn't provide adequate firewalls or security and a bunch of Anonymous hackers wrought havoc, posting rude things that we here at BOOJUM! cannot possibly reveal.  The site had to immediately ban new account holders and go offline to repair the damage.

     It's not a good start, is it?  There is more, which we will definitely come back to.  O delicious shadenfreude!  Which, I would like to point out, is entirely calorie-free, has no gluten and is fine for diabetics.

Finally -

Your Humble Scribe is on the early shifts next week - I know you thirst, positively thirst, for domestic detail like this - which is his preferred mode of employment, since nobody will pay him to drink tea and do crosswords all day long.  If you know of any such employer, do let me know, won't you?  I prefer it because most of the evening is still left when I get home.  The downside is that on Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday I shall be commuting in, which means getting up at 06:00 to be certain of reaching The Dark Tower by 08:00.  I may tram it on Wednesday to get home quicker in order to do the weekly shop, as the longer you leave it the less is on the shelves, and Morrisons resembles a Sinister supermarket of the Eighties.

*  I suppose it could fall out, mind.

**  The Teuton's retreat at Falaise comes to mind, mind.

***  South Canadian for "You are so G**-*****d fired!"

Look Back In Umbra

Back To Looking Back

Okay, that bigos - or my version thereof - is on the go, the washing machine hasn't finished it's cycle yet and the oven is heating up, so what better to do than use these precious minutes to throw together another cheating version of the blog?  Of course we need a click-baity picture to entice you in.  Art!

     That, gentle readers, is The Bridge, a colossal structure miles high, being built on the surface of Jupiter as a research project.  Everything is done by remote-control from one of the Jovian moons; Jupiter itself is far too dangerous for humans to venture there.

Let the retrovision begin!

2020

https://comsatangel2002.blogspot.com/2020/10/dithyrambunctious.html

2019

https://comsatangel2002.blogspot.com/2019/10/from-zenith-to-nadir.html

Scarily, I was wondering whether to Google Ralph Nader

2018

https://comsatangel2002.blogspot.com/2018/10/shall-i-compare-thee-to.html

2017

https://comsatangel2002.blogspot.com/2017/10/tea-amigos.html

2016

https://comsatangel2002.blogspot.com/2016/10/release-bats.html

2015

https://comsatangel2002.blogspot.com/2015/10/x-to-excess.html

2014

https://comsatangel2002.blogspot.com/2014/10/curiosity-killed-cat.html

2013

https://comsatangel2002.blogspot.com/2013/10/halloween-eh.html

Tea Hee

I Had Better Come Clean

Conrad does not normally identify where he works, although anyone who also works there will immediately recognise it from my photographs, and there's only so many organisations on the upper floors of The Dark Tower.  Your Humble Scribe is also very very careful about not posting anything derogatory about my employer, which is easier to do if you, gentle reader, have no idea whom they are.  Seriously, large organisations have people who trawl social media looking for blasphemers and heretics and I personally know two people who were sacked for being naughty on teh Interwebz.

     First, a photograph.  Art!

Quarterly tea run successful!

     15% discount this weekend, if you have a Sainsbury's discount card, which I do, as I work for Sainsbury's HR.  There you go, my secret is out.  ANYWAY I was rather worried as to whether I'd be able to buy all the Loose Leaf Darjeeling Tea on the shelves, due to supply chain problems.  I knew they had 7 packs of 4 packets each (Stock App downloaded last year at Christmas) which comes to 28 packets and here I am taking a quarter of them.  Trading Assistant at the checkout thankfully confirmed there's no limit.  Phew!  Sainsbo is the only place you can get LLDT at a reasonable price, should you be interested in the champagne of teas.

     There you are, shortest Intro for a long while.

An Evening Of Interest

An ice-cream van?  In this weather?  ANYWAY last night there was a knock at The Mansion's front door and Hey Pesto! there stood two policemen.  They explained they'd been tasked with entering <real address redacted> to search for a couple of missing people, and could they look around?

Their sinister HQ

     They repeatedly apologised for disturbing us - the fools!  can't they see that this is excellent material for blog content! - and peered in cupboards, behind curtains and under the bed - where they found a lot of shoes, dust and a few dead spiders.  They even checked out the loft, which involves getting an extended ladder and perching precariously upon it.  Conrad ID'd himself with his passport, which was happily to hand

     They didn't find either of the missing persons and so decamped to search other premises with the same number and road name.  We shall dine out on this one.

O Delicious Schadenfreude!

Or, more proof that Conrad is a terrible person.  You may recall that I relished the slow yet inexorable decline in viewers for CW's terrible "Batwoman" series, for information on which I checked HeelsVsBabyface.  Poor Az, having to endure every single second for our education and enlightenment.

     ANYWAY that's not the schadenfreude I'm talking about.  Art!

     Bear in mind that this series began with 1.8 million viewers, and they're down to a quarter of that in the premier episode of the third season - which tends to have the highest viewing figures of a season.  I think towards the end of season two they were hitting 450,000 viewers.  How does this show continue to be made?

     But wait!  Stay your departure!  Because there's O So Much More.  You see, Ruby Rose, the - er - actress who played BW in it's first season and who jumped ship with two episodes left to film, has only recently been giving her account of the behind-the-scenes and on-set drama that she experienced.  As The Critical Drinker and I both surmised, her Non-Disclosure Agreement has expired.

Doug Ray Scott

     She also slandered DRS, saying that he hated being in the show and had his agent try and get him released from it.  No dice.  So, alleges RR, he became an utter bottomhole on set.

     DRS is not taking this lightly and is suing RR for $10,000,000 so she had better have cast-iron evidence.  Given that she allegedly behaved like a diva herself, one has to wonder, one has to wonder.  As TCD remarks, all this excitement is a couple of quantum levels beyond the show itself.

     We shall come back to this one, O yes indeed.

Struck By Lightning

Shortly.  Your Humble Scribe never consumes alcohol before 18:00.  Art!

     You know Conrad.  Ever on the lookout for a beer he can crack a pun about, and it struck my impish sense of humour to purchase a beer named after summer in the autumn.  Things got stranger when I read the back label.  Art!

"Named after the hilarious novel by P.G. Wodehouse"

     You what?  Hang on, I've not read it, let teh Interwebz educate me on this matter - Aha, set in the Blandings Castle milieu.  Galahad is about to publish his scandalous memoirs, which will hideously embarrass many of the great and good, who were wild rip-roaring youths along with Galahad.  Not sure where the beer comes in, so I may have to purchase it to study it comprehensively.  O what a chore, reading Plum for study purposes*.

    Gosh, I'm glad I did my constitutional into Oldham earlier and didn't put it off till now, as it's walloping down out there.  In fact I'm pretty sure I saw a fish ...

     Hmmmm we only need a short article to hit the Compositional Ton.  Should I roll on Roel?  O go on, we can at least start an item.

Roel Takes On Stanley Kubrick

He watches "Spartacus", to be precise.  Art!

     The Roman legions in the background a probably a matte, but those in the middle distance are real.  Ol' Roel admits that it's not entirely clear if the Romans did or didn't fight in this checkerboard formation, so he gives Stan a pass.  Art!

Nope

     Hmmm nope.  Roel opines that this enormous amorphous mob is far too large and deep to serve any useful purpose and if there were any leaders with military experience, they'd have them in a formation, even if only a very shaky one.  Giant Mob Attacks on Roman formations usually ended disastrously badly for those doing the attacking for a whole host of reasons**.

Finally -

Just to let you know that I'm 80 pages into "Reclaiming History", which, together with the 40 page Introduction, means I've hit 8%.  Only 92% to go.  We're getting there, slowly yes, but still getting there!

*  First world problems, hmmm?

**  Nope.  Figure them out yourself.

Minty Python

You Know Conrad

Ever ready with a pun and a cruel jest.  Here's one I prepared earlier; several days earlier, in fact probably a couple of weeks ago after doing the weekly shop and remembering an essential prop.  Art!

     Isn't that the funniest thing since dysentry?  Doubtless John Cleese's solicitors will be in touch to enforce a removal, so cherish this whilst you can.

     Let me also add a BBC news article, which I've been saving up to use with the picture above.  Art!

Python with puny human for scale

     This friendly old female was found by an extremely surprised couple in their suburban house, much to their shock.  To those unlucky enough to live beyond the borders of This Sceptred Isle, we have two native species of snake, the Grass Snake and the Adder, and Conrad has gone through sixty years without seeing either of them.  This snake cannot have been at liberty for long, as our weather would kill it off pretty quickly.  The police delivered it to the RSPCA, who noted her general docility and compatibility with humans, implying she'd been a domestic pet.  

     FYI, snakes are not cold or slimy.  I was allowed to stroke a good natured one when touring the Portland Museum, which was rather like stroking a warm handbag. Art!

Conrad unsure how this will play out

     Okay, that's our unusually short Intro over with.  See, I can be succinct if I try hard.

Roel The Dice!

I shan't ask twice.  For Lo! we are back with Roel Konejndijk, the Irish chap with a Dutch name who works in Scotland, and is An Authority on warfare in the ancient world, and stuff that purports to be set in Ye Olde Times.  Very entertaining and amusing chap, Ol' Roel, and I have gone on record as saying that Edinburgh University should cherish him.  We shall now deal with his take on "The Hobbit: The Battle Of The Five Armies".

     For those unaware, this is the climax of "There And Back Again", as Bilbo Baggins also named his book, until the market research people came back and said it didn't do well with the under-30 demographic*.  Art!

Like it says on the tin

     Conrad confesses he's not seen this film himself, so we will just have to trust to Ol' Roel and his sardonic wit.  He does admit that the huge horn NO SNIGGERING AT THE BACK THERE would work as a morale-booster and also a signal; the ancient Greeks used a horn to signal an attack, with a single note sounded.  If it wounded again, you retreated.  Simples!  Art?

     This is a shield wall, typically used by defending armies.  Very good.  If it had spears poking out from it, cavalry horses would try to find an alternate route.  However - Art!

     They suddenly slant their shields, meaning the cavalry can now ride over them, which they do.  Art!

     As Ol' Roel points out, this is spectacularly stupid, because the cavalry you ought to have stopped dead is now behind your shield wall and able to wreak bloody execution on the rest of your infantry.  Very bad.  "Whut?" is Roel's confused comment.  Art!

Another shield wall**

     Okay, a perfectly acceptable defensive formation.  However - Art!

     A legion of Elves leap over the shield wall, landing in front of it, which makes absolutely no sense.  Not only have they just left the protection of the shield wall, exposing themselves to pointless danger, they are also at risk of being forced back and then impaled on all those pointy sticks.  Art!

     Roel says this type of formation was used in real life, except normally for cavalry, not foot soldiers.  What it does when used by infantry is to expose the chaps at the front to attack from everyone in front and to either flank.  Very bad!

     Overall 4/10.  Must try harder.

Empire State Human

That would be me.  As you should surely know by now, Your Modest Artisan has been working on putting together a 3D jigsaw puzzle of the Empire State Building, and finally put all the pieces (that I have, anyway) together last night.  Now comes the 3D assembly, which is every bit as difficult as I'd imagined.  Art!

     Here you see the base assembled, with only one piece missing out of a couple of hundred.  The process is neither quick nor easy, as the assembly instructions are garbage.  Art!

     Not a clue about which piece is which colour <sighs heavily>.  Not only that, I discovered there's even more pieces missing than I originally realised.  Art!

     I hope you can make out that a column of five pieces is missing entirely.  Conrad suspects that the overall integrity of the structure won't be affected, which is more a pious hope than reality.  I shall let you know how we get on.

Doing The Derelict

Coming to the end of this series of photographs taken by you the public and put up on the BBC's website on the theme of "Derelict".  Art!

Courtesy Mike Ferguson

     Predictably Mr. Ferguson makes a pun about "Raze to the ground", at which Conrad jibbed HEY I MAKE THE PUNS AROUND HERE thanks very much.  It must have been a mill of some description, producing flour in both plain and self-raising.  Yes, plain, because how else do you get to self-raising?  <sighs heavily>

Finally -

We only need a short one here to hit the Compositional Ton.  Okay, if you were paying attention yesteryon then you know Conrad has been re-reading a story he began about six years ago, which involved the supernatural and eeeeevil and a picture-postcard perfect English country village called Eden Underwood, where our protagonist had settled.  And, unknowingly to himself, had taken on the local white witch as his girlfriend.  

     What do I see on today's BBC News webpages?  Art!

     Niall has observed her kitchen, where every flat surface is covered with various jars and bottles, and the above - well, I don't need fear the Coincidence Hydra, thanks to my armoured underwear.  Which is not quite where we came in, yet close enough.

*  Possibly.  Prove me wrong!

**  This is a wall made of shields.  Let me know if I get too technical

Rich In Ditch!

I Shall Explicate

Wouldn't want you to think I was potty or anything, would we*?  Okay, earlier this year the Youtube channel Insider had present an authority on warfare in the ancient world, one Roel Konijnendijk, whom for obvious reasons I shall call Roel (that surname trips off his tongue but not mine).  Art!

     Roel had an analytical gander at various films that purported to be recreations of the ancient world and warfare within.  He mocked quite a few and constantly emphasised the importance of ditches, which were notably absent in nearly all films.  You can perhaps forgive "Game of Thrones" because their battle was fought in the frozen Northlands, where the ground would have been as hard as iron.

     ANYWAY Insider have brought Roel back for a second helping, to the immense gratitude of his earlier audience.  First he looked at the "Battle Of The Illegitimates" in "Game of Thrones" Season 6.  Art!

     Here you see and hear the Cross Shouty Man giving orders to the archers - which Roel scoffed at.  It just didn't happen: archers shot as their skill and experience taught them, not to an entitled twod who thinks he's hot stuff.  Art!

Another nope

     More scoffing from Roel.  To get a circular array of soldiers many layers deep would require absolutely unattainable levels of co-ordination.  Ancient armies did use formations, usually variations on lines or blocks (such as the Greek phalanx, which he notes).  Even at the Battle of Cannae, where the Romans were given an absolute shoeing by the Carthaginians, there was no complete encirclement.  Art!

'Nother nope

     Conrad called this one, too.  The cavalry about to save Jon Snow's bottom appear from nowhere and take Shouty Bad Guy's army completely by surprise.  

     Except no.  That large a force of cavalry, states Roel, would raise a mighty cloud of dust.  Ah but, say the scriptwriters, it's a muddy battlefield, they'd not raise any dust.  Are they equipped with fairy twinkletoes, enquires Conrad, because that large a cavalry force would make the ground shake and create a sound like thunder.  Collapse of scriptwriters, okay you got us they admit.

     6/10 from Roel; rubbish tactics but a very sound grasp of how deadly the ancient battlefield could be.

     We shall draw this Intro to a close as I want to keep using Roel's personable presentation for future items.

     Motley!  The Magma Moat** needs to be chiselled empty after our test run yesterday.  No power tools, you know they attract the locomotives***.

Locomotives LIKE THIS!

Doctor Rob Will See You Now

It's a poorly-kept secret that Conrad's Name As In Daily Use is Robert, which is why I have to use the Remote Nuclear Detonator so frequently.  And Lo! here's another Rob, the very very respected military historian Robert Citino, who has a doctorate in Philosophy, so he is a kind of Doctor.

<cringes under glare>

     Your Humble Scribe only encountered him via "We Have Ways" where he was singularly un-precious and down-to-earth.  I was so impressed that I immediately ordered two of his books, and may have to resort to ordering more, or the universe and internet and Planet Earth and wheat will surely explode.

      ANYWAY there I was reading an article about the Afrika Korps of desert legend during the Second Unpleasantness, and, do you know, it was pretty accurate.  It looked at the reality rather than the Rommel-centric puff pieces that you normally get about North Africa and the Teutons there.  The Italians in these accounts usually get relegated to providing pasta and surrendering in large amounts.

<loud swears in Italian>

     "This chap knows what he's talking about," Conrad said, aloud because I was alone in the Sekrit Layr.  Then: "DOG BUNS!"

     For the author was none other than Doctor Bob.  Art!

https://www.nationalww2museum.org/war/articles/drive-nowhere-myth-afrika-korps-1941-43

     There you have a link to the article.  If Conrad were to offer any criticism it would be the lack of mention of signals and signal security - which is at least another two or three blog posts in their entirety.

Another fan of "Worker's Playtime" listens in

     Enough of conflict!  Let us pursue a different agenda!

Lithium Wafer Batt

     No.

On The Theme Of Derelict - Yes Again

Do you have to pay for the privilege of reading this scrivel?  No you do not!  Therefore your criticism has absolutely no weight.  It might, if you bothered to make a Comment, except you're too idle to manage that.  So you get this.  Art!

Courtesy Jim Munday

     This is the remains of Steetley pier, which lurks offshore at Hartlepool.  Conrad thinks it's a splendid picture which makes the remnant look like a giant sinister beetle, looming out of the dusky water.  One presumes that the local council decided to get rid of a section of pier so that nobody can access the unsafe structure, because this would be far cheaper than getting rid of the whole thing.  Do we have it from another angle?

There you go

     Demolition via the elements is a lot less sure and certain than an approved and certified company wielding detonators and plastique, but it is a whole lot cheaper.

A Thank To Frank

Tinsley, that is, who was neither shy about coming forth with - er - unusual ideas nor illustrating them, which is good news for BOOJUM! as he is a long time dead and cannot sue us for anything.  Let us move onto another bonkers idea he put forward in "Mechanix Illustrated" - Art!

Well, yes.  Meaning NO.

     You cannot blame Frank alone.  The South Canadian military had a giant brain eructation in the Fifties and thought "Hey!  Let's make every infantryman a sky pilot with an individual aircraft!".  This was rapidly grounded when it was realised how incredibly expensive it would be.  Not only that, a man in the sky announces his presence via sound before he arrives, and when he does - no cover nor protection.  Clouds are not noted for having any significant bullet-proof qualities.

Finally -

I spent several hours today reading an incomplete novel I began before BOOJUM! took over all my waking hours.  I actually have the ending plotted out in my head, and should probably commit it to print and gain some sense of closure - at which point I remember I'm not going to be made redundant and have to continue working <sad face> although this does mean a continued supply of book-buying money <happy face>.  It's about Niall Bloom, a record producer and music label owner, who has to depart London thanks to some verrrry sharp business dealings.  He ends up in a bargain of a house in the village of Eden Underwood.  A bargain because it's haunted.  In a village with a white witch, a telepath, cursed construction, a demonic railway cutting - 

     You get the picture.

Eden Underwood's least favourite film

*  Rhetorical question DO NOT ANSWER.

**  Indubitable proof of the efficacy of ditches

***  Entitled steam locomotives: the curse of 2021

Living In La-La-La Land

Because I Don't Want You To Confuse BOOJUM! With The Film

It's easily done.  Conrad himself won't confuse it with anything because it's a musical, that form of alleged entertainment which will become illegal when I take over.  Before you start, "The Blues Brothers" and "The Return Of Captain Invincible" are comedies with music.  Any disagreement on that and the Remote Nuclear Detonator gets wheeled out.  Art!

"Yeah."

      ANYWAY that, of course, has absolutely nothing to do with what this Intro is really about - get used to this, it happens a lot here - which is -

     FANTASY PASSPORTS!

     Your Humble Scribe was, in the interests of researching the background of his new role, having a nosy at the DBS - Disclosure and Barring Service - which is a service whereby employers discover if Herr Schickelgruber has been a naughty lad in the past.  That got me diverted to Gov.uk and a very long webpage about how employers need to be verrrrrrrry diligent at detecting counterfeit, forged or fake passports.  Then they had a separate category: Pseudo/Fantasy Passports, with an example.  Art!

Completely invalid

     "World Service Authority" has all the international weight and import of a pack of playing cards, and appears to be a money-making scam alongside all those who peddle "Freeman on the land" and "Sovereign Citizen" loonwaffle nonsense.  Besides which, you can play games with cards.
     Hence today's title, because the bearers of these fantasy documents must go around with fingers embedded firmly in ears and loudly proclaiming "LA LA LA I CAN'T HEAR YOU MY PASSPORT IS AWESOME AND ONLY COST $199 LA LA LA"

     I dunno.  You can't fix stupid.  But you can relentlessly mock it.

A Really Unusual Job

As you should surely know by now, Conrad loves a bit of schadenfreude and reading Reddit stories on Youtube, and yesteryon I came across an interesting job with a lot of fallout.

     Okay, so Original Poster related his friend's story.  Friend worked for a chain of hardware stores in the South Canadian mid-West; his job was to go into a store and try to steal things without getting caught.  If caught he had an ID card and the owner's personal phone number.  Art!

This kind of hardware.  Nothing to do with computers.  Just so we're clear

     So he turned up at one store and stole things, leaving gaps between his theft sprees.  Eventually he graduated to loading up a giant flat-screen television in a shopping trolley and not only did he not get stopped, the store staff helped him move it to his car - now full of goods after 8 hours of un-interrupted stealing.

     He then called the owner and explained what had - or rather what hadn't - happened.  After 30 seconds of angry silence the owner told him to rent a truck to secure all the stolen goods, then rent a hotel room.  Owner turned up next morning breathing fire and brimstone and promptly fired the manager, assistant manager and all the staff who hadn't bothered to stop Friend.

     Still a cool job, mind.

A Killer Gorilla Once Had A Maxilla

OR

Conrad Is, Predictably, Seething With Righteous Rancour

I know, I know, gorillas are pacific vegetarians, and as for a maxilla - well, we'll get to that.  You cannot deny my ability to create doggerel at the drop of a tarboosh.

     Once again I give notice to the MEN's Codeword compilers that, when I take over, after banning musicals and Albania, it'll be their turn.  Let us turn the rage loose!

"SUBGROUP": Hmmmmmm shouldn't that be hyphenated?  Perhaps not.  I'm including this one because it allows me to make a visual pun.  Art!

Heh

"ZEALOTRY": Conrad seems to recall that the original Zealots were Palestinians who didn't like their Roman overlords one little bit, and were always trying to introduce them to sharp pointy things, in a very determined way for ages.  Hence we get this word, which describes Conrad's approach to all musicals.  Art!

?

     My point is that this word is only used by political journalists when being polite about a politician who is not. 

"MAXILLA":  YOU WHAT!?  What the Dog Buns is a Maxilla?  I had to look that one up, I can tell you.  It refers, of course - entirely NOT OBVIOUSLY - to one of the central bones of the human skull, that part below the nose which forms the upper jaw.  So every gorilla has a maxilla and our killer proponent is not at all unique.  I bet he feels crushed, WHICH IS WHAT THE COMPILERS WILL BE when I lay my clutching talons on them.  Art!

"The diet went too far"

     <pause for red mist to recede>

     I have more yet my blood pressure is high enough to propel a fifty-ton locomotive* and in the interests of not exploding with anger we shall move on.

Back To Breaking Down 

I confess that I took this one out of sequence because 1) I can and 2) there's nothing you can do to stop me.  Art!

Derelict as they get
(Courtesy Andrew Cade)

     We've been here before: these are the Maunsell Forts, erected in the Thames Estuary during the Second Unpleasantness to cover a gap in the anti-aircraft defences of This Sceptred Isle.  "Doctor Who" did location filming here back in the Sixties when it was far more hale, and The Mystery Jets did their video for "Bubblegum" a few years ago, when Conrad cringed at every enthusiastic jump their bass player made, for fear he'd go right through the floor and bring the whole lot down.  One imagines that they are condemned and it's forbidden to set foot on them for 'tis only a matter of when they collapse, not if.

Finally -

Conrad is constantly having to check his work phone status, because it's the quietest day for callers I can remember, and I keep thinking "Did I put myself back on Active?"  Yes every time.  What's going on?  Clearly they know something I don't.  Ah - obviously the Zombie Apocalypse has broken out across the country and people are too busy trying to stay alive to bother calling about start dates.

    Phew.  I am so relieved!

*  Even a steam one.