Because I Don't Want You To Confuse BOOJUM! With The Film
It's easily done. Conrad himself won't confuse it with anything because it's a musical, that form of alleged entertainment which will become illegal when I take over. Before you start, "The Blues Brothers" and "The Return Of Captain Invincible" are comedies with music. Any disagreement on that and the Remote Nuclear Detonator gets wheeled out. Art!
ANYWAY that, of course, has absolutely nothing to do with what this Intro is really about - get used to this, it happens a lot here - which is -
"Yeah."
FANTASY PASSPORTS!
Your Humble Scribe was, in the interests of researching the background of his new role, having a nosy at the DBS - Disclosure and Barring Service - which is a service whereby employers discover if Herr Schickelgruber has been a naughty lad in the past. That got me diverted to Gov.uk and a very long webpage about how employers need to be verrrrrrrry diligent at detecting counterfeit, forged or fake passports. Then they had a separate category: Pseudo/Fantasy Passports, with an example. Art!
Completely invalid
"World Service Authority" has all the international weight and import of a pack of playing cards, and appears to be a money-making scam alongside all those who peddle "Freeman on the land" and "Sovereign Citizen" loonwaffle nonsense. Besides which, you can play games with cards.
Hence today's title, because the bearers of these fantasy documents must go around with fingers embedded firmly in ears and loudly proclaiming "LA LA LA I CAN'T HEAR YOU MY PASSPORT IS AWESOME AND ONLY COST $199 LA LA LA"
I dunno. You can't fix stupid. But you can relentlessly mock it.
A Really Unusual Job
As you should surely know by now, Conrad loves a bit of schadenfreude and reading Reddit stories on Youtube, and yesteryon I came across an interesting job with a lot of fallout.
Okay, so Original Poster related his friend's story. Friend worked for a chain of hardware stores in the South Canadian mid-West; his job was to go into a store and try to steal things without getting caught. If caught he had an ID card and the owner's personal phone number. Art!
This kind of hardware. Nothing to do with computers. Just so we're clear
So he turned up at one store and stole things, leaving gaps between his theft sprees. Eventually he graduated to loading up a giant flat-screen television in a shopping trolley and not only did he not get stopped, the store staff helped him move it to his car - now full of goods after 8 hours of un-interrupted stealing.
He then called the owner and explained what had - or rather what hadn't - happened. After 30 seconds of angry silence the owner told him to rent a truck to secure all the stolen goods, then rent a hotel room. Owner turned up next morning breathing fire and brimstone and promptly fired the manager, assistant manager and all the staff who hadn't bothered to stop Friend.
Still a cool job, mind.
A Killer Gorilla Once Had A Maxilla
OR
Conrad Is, Predictably, Seething With Righteous Rancour
I know, I know, gorillas are pacific vegetarians, and as for a maxilla - well, we'll get to that. You cannot deny my ability to create doggerel at the drop of a tarboosh.
Once again I give notice to the MEN's Codeword compilers that, when I take over, after banning musicals and Albania, it'll be their turn. Let us turn the rage loose!
"SUBGROUP": Hmmmmmm shouldn't that be hyphenated? Perhaps not. I'm including this one because it allows me to make a visual pun. Art!
Heh
"ZEALOTRY": Conrad seems to recall that the original Zealots were Palestinians who didn't like their Roman overlords one little bit, and were always trying to introduce them to sharp pointy things, in a very determined way for ages. Hence we get this word, which describes Conrad's approach to all musicals. Art!
?
My point is that this word is only used by political journalists when being polite about a politician who is not.
"MAXILLA": YOU WHAT!? What the Dog Buns is a Maxilla? I had to look that one up, I can tell you. It refers, of course - entirely NOT OBVIOUSLY - to one of the central bones of the human skull, that part below the nose which forms the upper jaw. So every gorilla has a maxilla and our killer proponent is not at all unique. I bet he feels crushed, WHICH IS WHAT THE COMPILERS WILL BE when I lay my clutching talons on them. Art!
"The diet went too far"
<pause for red mist to recede>
I have more yet my blood pressure is high enough to propel a fifty-ton locomotive* and in the interests of not exploding with anger we shall move on.
Back To Breaking Down
I confess that I took this one out of sequence because 1) I can and 2) there's nothing you can do to stop me. Art!
Derelict as they get
(Courtesy Andrew Cade)
We've been here before: these are the Maunsell Forts, erected in the Thames Estuary during the Second Unpleasantness to cover a gap in the anti-aircraft defences of This Sceptred Isle. "Doctor Who" did location filming here back in the Sixties when it was far more hale, and The Mystery Jets did their video for "Bubblegum" a few years ago, when Conrad cringed at every enthusiastic jump their bass player made, for fear he'd go right through the floor and bring the whole lot down. One imagines that they are condemned and it's forbidden to set foot on them for 'tis only a matter of when they collapse, not if.
Finally -
Conrad is constantly having to check his work phone status, because it's the quietest day for callers I can remember, and I keep thinking "Did I put myself back on Active?" Yes every time. What's going on? Clearly they know something I don't. Ah - obviously the Zombie Apocalypse has broken out across the country and people are too busy trying to stay alive to bother calling about start dates.
* Even a steam one.
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