Conrad Was Inspired -
By one of those periodical pages that the BBC puts up on their website, having a common theme. Members of the global public then contribute photographs and the best are put on display. This month's theme was "Derelict", which, given that we were also wibbling on about Quatermass, kind of triggered a bit of a think on Your Humble Scribe's part. (it doesn't take much).
So, the Martian spaceship uncovered at Hobb's End can be considered a species of derelict, can it not? Art!
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| I don't remember quite so much cleavage in the original |
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| Cleavage notable by absence |
That's the 1956 version, lest you be unaware. Art!
The 1967 version. Colour Conrad unimpressed.
It just goes to show you: beware of Greeks bearing gifts, and beware of Martians wearing ships. Especially derelict ones.
This brought about another train of thought. Derelict spaceships? Frequently encountered in science-fiction, usually in one of two varieties: damaged badly enough to kill the crew or have them abandon ship; or completely intact.
DANGER WILL ROBINSON!
"Lost In Space: The Derelict"
See what I mean? Pristine exterior means nightmare interior, because derelict it may seem, yet isn't. Of course Doctor Smith bodges things up, as is his metier. Still, they shouldn't have gone anywhere near it. Art!
This bizarre-looking thing is physically intact WHICH IS A MAJOR RED FLAG! And once our intrepid human explorers get inside, the only crewman they find is stone dead. WALK AWAY NOW! Ooops too late. Conrad warned you. Why do you think it's stuck there on LV432 - so the crew could do a bit of sight-seeing and shopping? AVOID! Art?
I think this is the derelict from "Planet Of The Vampires" because it looks pretty scuzzy and the other spaceship in pictures is patently under power and nowhere near as dingy. Given the title one cannot expect to go poking around dead alien spaceships without consequence, and indeed -
Well, that would be telling. I hope I've laboured the point enough: if the spaceship is bent, then it's heaven-sent; if the spaceship is prim, there is horror within.
Motley, have a cookie. Bovril and swede-flavoured.
No, Art, no - O go on then.
I Wonder What Vernice Armour Would Make Of This -
You remember Vernice, the combat helichopter pilot, who also demonstrated technical knowledge about the flying chariots she flew. Because Yes! we are back with the artworks of Frank Tinsley, who was creative, prolific and never one to let things like boring stuffy fuddy-duddy reality stop him. Art!
At first glance Conrad thought this was another of Frank's forays into military vehicle design. Well, no. In keeping with my watching "The Towering Inferno" this is in fact a fire-fighting helicopter, not an aerial flamethrowing platform. The idea behind it is laudable; the practicalities are another matter. Let us assume from this cover art that Little Nell (or perhaps 'Little Hell') is intended to fight fire at height, given that it is operated by the New York Fire Department, which has to deal with the frightful prospect of fire in skyscrapers. Art!
Every N.Y.P.D. fireman's nightmare
For one thing, fire generates heat, lots of it, in an irregular manner. That means yon helicopter is at risk of being sent out of control if it gets too near the fire. Then, too, those are high-pressure hoses; the pilot will have to work to counteract their action versus reaction, which could be disastrous if one water-cannon stops working and he over-corrects into the fire.
How high is too high? I ask because that's a rather small helichopter, which looks to lack a very powerful engine, and the higher it rises, the longer the hose it is hauling, and hence the more weight, because water is heavy. Is it rated to carry half a ton of payload?
"I am!"
These caveats aside, it's an interesting idea because this firechopter would never run out of water, whereas the strictly functional bucket version above would take ages to fly off and re-load it's bucket before heading back to where it was hot. Plus it could potentially deal with fires above the level that laddered vehicles could.
File under Promising But Needs More Work
More Buck For Your Bang
Conrad is a solidly upstanding law-abiding citizen whose attitude towards crime is "Would I do such a thing?" and if the answer is "NO!" then the miscreants guilty of such an offence can be sent off to grim claustrophobic cells for years at a time. Alas for a couple of chaps whom leant to the illegal side of the law, nature and stupidity can both over-rule the rule of law. Art!
This, ladies and gentlemen, is a cashpoint*. They are simply chock-full of money, which means wicked people try to empty them. Some criminals choose to use heavy construction plant to physically remove them, whereas others pump them full of gas and then detonate it.
Post hoc
This latter method is, of course - obviously! - extremely dangerous because there's no scientifically-established procedure for it. Too little gas and nothing will happen. Too much and you risk being dismantled yourself.
Which is where a Dutch gang who specialised in this method come in. They were filming a "How To" guide, which they intended to sell on to other criminals, when one of them was blown apart and another critically injured. I said it was extremely dangerous, didn't I? Those who survived are now languishing in prison.
It's a -
Quickly, now, Guard Hog and Hard Hog! I hear the sinister susurrus of steam locomotives circling - prepare the Intelligent Hopping Anti-Train Mines!
Phew. That should buy us a few minutes. Don't worry, we have a squadron of tank-buster Tiffies on call, only five minutes flying time away. What's that? What am I talking about? O I thought you'd never ask - Art!
They can stop tanks. Trains hold no fear for them.
Finally -
We've actually hit the Compositional Ton, so - what do I write now? Well, working from home this week on an early shift is a whole lot more pleasant than bussing it into Gomorrah-on-the-Irwell for a late shift, then not getting home until nearly eight o'clock. In fact I walked into Royton after work, because the weather was nice and I could still be home for five o'clock. 5,000 steps as of right now, before you ask. My levity is only bounded by the fact that I'm working Saturday. At least it's from home.
And with that, Vulnavia, we are jolly well done!
* CASHPOINT not an ATM, whatever one of those is
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