It's A Meddling Monk Gone Atompunk!

 It's Curious How A Moment Of Whimsy Can - 

Generate practically a whole blog on it's own.  I refer, of course - obviously! - to my throwaway lie on Facebook, about - how did it go?  "Anglo-Saxon Atomic Zombies!" or somesuch, because whilst there was mention of the AS Witengamot (King's advisory council) there were neither zombies not atom bombs <sad face>, an omission I intend to correct right now.  Art?

Based on scientific facts my hairy white hindquarters!

          Okay, now, take that premier BBC dramamentary series "Doctor Who", and cast your mind back many a decade, to the very First Doctor.  He had arrived off the Northumbrian coast in 1066 with his companions Vicky and Steven, where everything is perfectly spiffy and normal and that choir up at the monastery didn't just glitch like a tape-recorder playing, no, not at all.

     Okay, yes at all.  The monastery is the base of operations for another rogue Time Lord, whom we only know as the "Meddling Monk", since he dresses in a monk's robes to blend in.  Art?

"Is it 'knit one, purl one' or 'knit one, purl two'?"

     Monky, to coin a name, has a bizarre and potentially catastrophic plan to dramatically alter English history.  He doesn't wish to see the Normans conquer England, which in his mind led to centuries of involvement in Continental warfare, to the detriment of This Sceptred Isle.  So, he has ensconced (not a word you expected to see today, hmmm?) himself on the Northumbrian coast and is waiting for the Norse king Harald Hardrada's invasion fleet.

B***** Viking tourists!

          This was the first invasion of 1066, you see - I know, I know, generations without an invasion and then two come along at once, you'd almost believe First Bus were behind it - and in reality the English king Harold Godwinson came along and crushed the invasion, Harald being killed in the process.

     So, Monky's plan is to ensure all Harold Godwinson has to cope with is the Normans, because he's going to destroy the Viking fleet with nuclear projectiles.  Art?

DO. NOT. DROP.

     This is where Conrad would like to crunch some numbers and concepts.  The surviving Viking fleet numbered perhaps 25 ships when they left these shores, about a quarter of the number that originally arrived at Ricall.  So, Monky is going to have to destroy these ships, which are spread out over a large area of sea in no regular pattern or formation, being affected by wind, waves and currents.

     Frankly, the nuclear warhead above is too small to be functional, so we shall assume that Monky stole these from Gallifrey, or constructed them in secret there, because he's certainly not going to have the wherewithal to build them in eleventh-century England!  We can further postulate that the yield isn't going to be too high, or he risks blowing himself up.  Conrad postulates a mere 1.5 kiloton yield and at least a mile range - Monky needs to get under cover after launching these puppies.  I say "puppies" plural because we shall assume he uses at least three in a spread to ensure maximum coverage.  Ah, nuclear weapons tactics, eh?

The crude human equivalent

     "Job done!" enthuses Monky, and goes off to open a bottle of Prosecco.

     Not so fast, Monky; the consequences of your actions have only just begun!

     Of course, I could be overthinking this ...

Veni, Vidi, Ambigebant

I steal, of course - obviously! - from another person who invaded These Sceptred Isles - is that what ancient dictators did whenever they got bored, thought "O how dull life is, I know, let's go invade Ultima Thule*" - Julius Caesar.  Somewhat boastfully, he used the phrase "Veni, Vidi, Vici", which is Latin <hack spit> for "I came, I saw, I conquered".  Art?

Ha - took you by surprise!

      I don't eat off the floor, by the way.  That bowl is full of water for Edna**.
    This item's title can be translated as "I came, I saw, I puzzled".  As you can see, we're about 40% of the way there.  I have noticed one pieces that, worryingly, has a backing of blue card, not the grey that the rest of the pieces have.  One wonders, one wonders ...

Conrad Is - Mildly Peeved

I didn't get any rollmops on the weekly shop yesteryon and now have a craving for herring pickled in vinegar ... be strong, Conrad, be strong.  You still have those Krakus pickled gherkins.

     Which has nothing to do with Codewords, and a rather sneaky solution the compilers had in one that I can't show you since it's in the paper wheely-bin, which is now outside the back gate waiting for tomorrow's rubbish collection.  Trust me, I have an honest face.

Well, a face, anyway

     "JAPONICA" was the answer, not an easy solution as the first letter is "J", which tends to crop up only once in a Codeword.  I dug up this one from the dustiest and most distant corners of my mind, having seemingly heard of "KERRIA JAPONICA" from someone somewhere. Really, obscure botanical terms now?  What else - "TRIPTYCH"  "ZEUGLODON" "QIUNCUNX***"??

Finally - 

Back to "Doctor Who", because my rubbish-tip skip of a mind threw up a scene from the dramamentary "The Talons Of Weng-Chiang".  I'm sure you remember: a Chinese suspect pretending to be entirely ignorant of the English language (HOW DARE HE!) is being interrogated, when the interrogator (actually Weng-Chiang's sinister henchman) covertly slips him a pill.  Once ingested, the hapless suspect promptly drops dead.

     "Scorpion venom!" diagnoses The Doctor immediately - who needs NCIS with one's favourite Gallifreyan about? - "Highly concentrated scorpion venom.  It killed him almost instantly."

The Doctor: secret Motorhead fan.

     The thing is, would this work?  Conrad is no entemologist, yet he is pretty sure the efficacy of scorpion venom is that it gets injected into the bloodstream and thus gets whizzed about the body at high speed, whereupon the victim expiress.  Stick a poison pellet in one's digestive tract and it gets worked upon by the various bodily fluids until it ends up in the steaming acid bath of the stomach.

     I may have to go off and do more research on this, it needs a more thorough inspection. 

CAUTION! Do not make good domestic pets

*   And when they encountered the weather, wished they hadn't bothered

**  The dog.  Not another human.

***  This is not rude despite sounding it, or it wouldn't be here, would it?