The Worst Of First

 For Lo! First Bus Live Down To Their Execrable Standards

There I was, waiting at the bus stop in Royton, thinking that I could have walked home by now (not a fun experience with a shopping bag close to ripping apart), after a wait of 20 minutes, when three 409s turn up at once.

     Thanks, First: twenty minutes I shan't ever get back, and yet another reason to be grateful that I'm working from home this week.

     Bah!

     What makes it worse is that I can see and hear them going past my window in the Sekrit Layr, regular as clockwork, until of course - obviously! - I need to rely on them.  Art?

The only excuse I will accept.

      Not only that, one source of inspiration for the blog used to be - that's a 409 going uphill so you can bet I'm going to time until the next one - used to be the posters on the side of buses.  Well, they haven't been updated since March.  What's an alien invader a man to do?  I tell you, when I take over the first shift in the uranium mines are going to be First Bus staff.

     Well, that felt like a blast from the past - it's so long since Conrad ranted and tanted about First.  Like old times.

     Also, NOBODY pointed out the spelling mistake from yesterday.  "It's Stange" should, of course - obviously! - have been "It's Strange" and quite how Your Humble Scribe didn't notice it is rather a mystery; since it's a title Blogger cannot vet it with spellchecking, and I was - ah, that explains it.  Conrad was still thinking about writing the script for a twenty-six hour documentary series about the war in North Africa, with a twenty million pound budget and directorial approval - see?  The slightest hint and I go off on an extended fantasy.  Art?

Yes yes yes I used this one yesteryon

     The reason I bring this one back is because it's quite iconic and turns up in all sorts of media.  Well, it was staged.  It's well behind the front lines and shows some British/Commonwealth soldiers storming - a cookhouse.

     Yup, exactly ten minutes later, another 409.  WHERE WERE YOU BEFORE!!

     Motley, I shall continue to seethe for the next 17 minutes and twenty three seconds.

The Killer Monk And His Hunks Of Junk

THERE! another one after only 8 minutes!  <ahem> er yes, the matter in hand.

     In fact it ought to be "Monck", as we are talking about the general commanding the English forces remaining in Scotland after Crommy left to chase the Scottish army that was invading England, with Charles the Second at it's head.  Don't worry if this makes your head spin a bit, it's complicated.

     Anyway, I did hint at this by showing a picture of Stirling castle, which we can stand to see again.  Art?

The castle and the town

     Ol' Monck managed to threaten the town itself into surrender, whilst the castle's garrison defied his challenge to surrender.  This proved to be a tad unwise, as Monck was an infantry officer who knew his guns.  He had them transported by sea, whilst setting up stout firing platforms for them, both "great guns" - and his hunks of junk, two mortars.  The great guns pounded the castle walls to little effect, but the mortars wrought considerable destruction within the castle walls.  Un-nerved, and being killed (probably the important bit) with no way to reply, the garrison mutinied, forcing their commanding officer to surrender, all within two days.

Why a mortar does the damage it does

     This was rapid work indeed; the Scots had hoped Stirling and castle would hold out for ages and allow them to recruit another army.  Sadly not.  So one could say that the general was a <ahem> clever Moncky.

Conrad avoids any more painful punnery

"Movie Night With A Physicist"

Conrad is unsure exactly how he came across this very amusing Youtube clip, only that he did.  I didn't make notes, though I may go back and do so, because I am very sad the horrid truth courtesy Mister Hand STOP THAT! traitorous appendage.  Because I am diligent and conscientious and a dinosaur and if it's not written down then it doesn't exist.

     There was one image I captured.  Art?

     It was indeed John Young, and it was a corned beef sandwich, not a ham one.  Either way, he got a telling off about it.  He also got told off about another stunt he and a fellow pilot pulled, during aerial missile testing, where they closed on each other at Mach 3.  Putting it another way, each second they got nearly 7,000 feet closer, meaning any delays would cause a mid-air collision, so you can see why he got told not to.

     He also had a smile that vanished so quickly that you weren't sure he'd been smiling at all.

NO SANDWICHES!

Finally -

We only need a short article for the Compositional Ton, so against my better judgement, I think we'll spoof a Horror Trope.  Go on.

<The rural backwoods of Kentucky, at night.  A lone man, wearing a suit and tie and clutching his briefcase, checks his mobile phone - no signal.  He stares ruefully at his car, smoke puffing out from under the bonnet <"Hood" for South Canadian readers>

LONE PEDESTRIAN: Guess I'd better start walking.  Town was back this way.

<After five minutes, he spots a tumbledown house set back from the road>

LONE PEDESTRIAN: Huh.  Stop thinking about "Deliverance" and "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre", man.  It's just a house and they may have a phone.

<He walks up to the door and knocks.  It is immediately thrown open.  A wild-eyed young man wearing a denim boilersuit greets him>

WILD-EYED YOUNG MAN: Howdy, dude!  Don't tell me, yer car's broke down and you need to make a call?  Come right on in!  MAW!  We got us a guest <ushers the 'guest' inside>.

MAW <from the kitchen>: I'll make us a brew.  

PAW <hands their guest a landline phone>: Here y'go, sonny.  Here's a card for Al's Garage; they charge reasonable rates and open all hours.

W-E YOUNG MAN: Here, set yerself down.  

<Half an hour of polite conversation, coffee and home-baked chocolate chip cookies later>

LONE PEDESTRIAN: Oh, there's the tow truck.  I must be going.  Thank you so much for helping.  How  much -

PAW: Don't you dare offer money for anything, sonny!

MAW: You can make a donation to the ACLU if you want.

W-E YOUNG MAN:  See ya!  <Their guest departs>  Well, consarn it, ain't it pleasant to get some company once in awhile?

PAW nods, MAW knits.

   And with that, we are done!