And whom reside in This Sceptred Isle. "Charley" refers to a yowling animated cat present in public information adverts a very long time ago, translated by his owner into comprehensible English. Art?
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| Either that's a gigantic cat, or he's a very small boy |
Charley used to lecture about the dangers of matches, or bodies of open water, or sticking forks into plug sockets, stuff like that. What he never lectured about, though, was best practice when being driven in a vehicle. Presumably all the kids were restrained by seatbelts? Whatever.
Anyway, I was minded of Charley when thinking about another horror trope, that being the bookend prologue and coda to "Twilight Zone The Movie". You remember, of course, that the film starts with Albert Brooks giving a lift to hitchhiker Dan Ackroyd, and they try to one-up each other with being scary, until Dan says "Want to see something really scary?" and turns back to camera as -
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| This is what poor dental hygiene ends with, children |
Now, there are at three ways this can play out, and we shall use the BOOJUM! trick of rewriting a horror script to follow them. Lights! Camera! Action!
HAPLESS DRIVER: Agggghhhhhh!
HITCH-HIKING MONSTER: Aggggghhhhhh! <proceeds to eat Hapless Driver's face off>
Well yes, that's implied in the film. Conrad being Conrad, we cannot just leave it there. O no! For what happens the next day, when police find a car with the partially-eaten cadaver of the driver sitting in the front seat? A murder investigation, that's what, with news reports and e-fits and cautions about picking up hitch-hikers. Thus -
HAPLESS DRIVER: Aggggghhhhh!
<reaches into glove compartment, pulls out Colt .45 and shoots>
HITCH-HIKING MONSTER: Agggggghhhhhhhh! That smarts! <drops dead>
And, probability being what it is, at some point Hitch-Hiking Monster is going to encounter a driver who does NOT pull over in order to see something really scary -
HAPLESS DRIVER: Aggggghhhhhh! <veers off the road and into a lamp-post>
HITCH-HIKING MONSTER: Aggggghhhhhhhh! <having undone it's seatbelt to spring the really scary something, as it flies through the windscreen and into the lamp-post>
At the end, we encounter Dan again, as an ambulance driver. Art?
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| THIS IS NOT HOW ROAD SAFETY WORKS! |
You have to wonder at this. I mean, ambulances usually have a crew of EMTs, right? Are they all Hitch-Hiking Monsters? Because they're going to give each other the shock of a lifetime when they transform in order to eat the other 'humans'. Then again, how on earth is Dan driving that vehicle whilst girning into the rear compartment, hey Mister Scriptwriter? because he's going to crash and kill them all. Come to think of it, how did he manage to get hired as an EMT at all? Presumably there are health checks to be carried out, which would rather risk his uncovering as a Hitch-Hiking Monster, as it is well-known that Monster DNA has an extra nucleic pair.
Plus, how many times could he get away with this?
MEDICAL DESPATCHER: Another mystery death en route?
DAN <grinning cheerfully and inanely>: Yup!
MEDICAL DESPATCHER: That makes fourteen this month.
DAN <Nods amiably>: Yup!
MEDICAL DESPATCHER: And twenty-three the month before. How come?
DAN: Just lucky, I guess
MEDICAL DESPATCHER: Oh, and, once again, they were savaged by a pack of wild dogs?
DAN: You read my mind!
MEDICAL DESPATCHER: You are nothing but trouble.
I rest my case. Where's Charley when a scriptwriter needs a lesson?
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| What an amazing coincidence! |
Motley! There's a bee's nest behind you!
Wow, that went on, rather. Fortunately we have LITHIUM WAFER BATTERY DESIGN to fall back upon -
O Marketa!
I lied about the battery design. Instead, let us revisit our favourite Czech lady, and see what unusual Czech words she has for us today.
"Rackovani": Pronouncing "R" the wrong way.
This makes sense, even if I don't have all the diacritical marks to render it properly in Czech. Hang on -
"Ráčkování"
There are different ways to pronounce"R" in Czech, which, if Art doesn't want the electric pitchfork again -
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| Thus |
There we are. Please note I did not stoop to make an puns out of "Czech"*.
Back To That Rolling Stone List
Of the Top 50 Sci-Fi television shows of all time. I knew you were waiting patiently for the next item, which is number 15: "The Outer Limits". Art?
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| World's biggest user of Optrex |
Conrad has trouble separating this series from "The Twilight Zone" though I shouldn't, as there is a collection of them to hand in DVD form only two feet from me as I sit typing this. In fact, having now retrieved it, I ought to watch the entire first season again. I remember "It Crawled Out Of The Woodwork" as being especially creepy, which is saying something. Amusingly, it states on the cover that. whilst mostly okay, children under 12 (or wussy adults) are advised to hide behind a cushion at several points. This is due to the presence of what were dubbed "The bears" - that is, the monster for that particular episode.
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| Conrad is not sure what this is, but he doesn't like it. Not one bit. |
It does have that compelling opening narrative, which, if I may quote -
There is nothing wrong with your television set. Do not attempt to adjust the picture. We are controlling transmission. If we wish to make it louder, we will bring up the volume. If we wish to make it softer, we will tune it to a whisper. We will control the horizontal. We will control the vertical. We can roll the image, make it flutter. We can change the focus to a soft blur, or sharpen it to crystal clarity. For the next hour, sit quietly and we will control all that you see and hear. We repeat: There is nothing wrong with your television set. You are about to participate in a great adventure. You are about to experience the awe and mystery which reaches from the inner mind to... The Outer Limits.
What a great way to up the word count!
Because with that, we are done.
* Mate.
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