Humour*. Laugh, You Dastards!

Truly, Nothing Is More Subjective (Except Maybe Beauty)
     I offer up one of Conrad's favourite films, "Leningrad Cowboys Go America", as directed by the exceedingly droll Aki Kaurismaki.  It's a variety of road-film, where the Leningrad Cowboys - dubbed the worst band in the world - leave their native Soviet Union to try and find fame, fortune and fair ladies in America.  The slightly longer IMDB summary can be found here:

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0097728/?ref_=nv_sr_2

Conrad laughs himself silly at this film, and Matti Pellonpaa is outstanding as the band's manager.  Well, that's Kaurismaki for you, the Finnish dog.  He was once asked why his camera style is so static.
     "It's hard to push a camera around when you have a hangover," he replied.
     Quite!

You can't see it, but there's a coffin on the car roof.  The bass player's in the coffin.  So are the beer cans.

The Inimitable Jeeves
       Here an aside that I doubt anybody not British or under 40 will get.  Conrad has memories of a stop-motion animated series from the late Sixties and early Seventies called "Camberwick Green".  To prove that this is not the fevered hallucinations that precede mental collapse, I offer you:

Sound off:  that's Pugh, Pugh, Barney McGrew, Cuthbert, Dibble and Grub.

I am uncertain why the Pugh's are undifferentiated, but the solo McGrew gets his first name in, too.  Recall that set of names, dear reader.
     What did I espy during today's page-turning of the titular PGW novel?  A set of vicar's names, and amongst them, one after the other, came "Cuthbert" and "Dibble".  That's from a novel written in 1923, so PGW wasn't plagiarising there.  Coincidence or time travel?
     As young Bertie Wooster himself might have said, rum; very rum!

I Know What You're Thinking
     No, don't be silly, telepathy doesn't exist!  Yet**.
     What I meant was, you the reader must be wondering, "If he's an alien spy from the iceworld Theta Aurigae IV, why is he telling us all about it?"
     Obviously, nobody can take such a thing seriously.  I mean, come on, next there'll be men on the Moon  votes for women  supersonic aircraft  a manned mission to Mars!  What's that, Mister Hand?

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/science-environment-23349496

Oh bugger.  Okay, imagine something really really unlikely - that.  Yes***.

Conrad: Before Donning Disguise

Conrad:  After.  Not Really An Improvement, Is It?

Dammit, Jim, They're Multiplying!
     I know I had an espresso coffee-maker.  That's one.  Singular.  Solo.
     Except when I get home today, what do I find?

Two.  Doubled.  Duo.

There are two possibilities: either the espresso is actually alive and can reproduce, or one of these is an alien shapeshifter.  Those are the only possible explanations.  Obviously.

Crocodile.  Alligator.  Gavial!
     I'm sure you, the reader, being an intelligent sort, are generally aware of the alligator and the hoary old saying that goes with it:  "See you later, alligator."
     (not that alligators are especially easy on the eyes and to be held as cynosures)
     Followed by the inevitable retort: "In a while, crocodile."
     (once again, a living fossil that doesn't really sit easy on the eyes).
     May I spring a surprise upon you:  The Gavial!

No more peculiar than the Flying Whelk, the Spiny Mole Rat or those clubbers you see at chucking-out time

This creature lives in India, and dines upon fish, who swim up to it to comment "Cor!  What a strange-looking cove you are - awk!"
     Anyway, you now have a third temporal-encompassing retort to add to the two above:
     "In an interval, Gavial."

Finally
     There are no cute pictures of gavials (for thus was my cunning plan) so instead here's some lemons on a fence:

But they are Mutant Cannibal Lemons!

*  That's how it should be spelt.  You trans-Atlantic cousins get it wrong!
** I'm working on it but I only get so much leisure time.  Give me a year.
***  "Sir Cliff - secret father of 150 children!" kind of unbelievable.