No! That Is Not A Typo
I know what you're thinking, that Conrad is mis-spelling the title of that 1971 Doris Lessing novel "Briefing For A Descent Into Hell", which I have indeed read, and couldn't make any sense out of. One of those 'Worthy But What On Earth?' novels. Now I've mentioned it we need an illo. Art!
Read 40 years ago. Can't remember a thing about it.
ANYWAY today's Intro, and possibly the whole of this blog, depending on how long it takes to tell the tale [edited to add, yes, this tale takes up the whole of the blog], is a combination of Malicious Compliance and Nuclear Revenge, featuring one of the most repellent entities in South Canada: a Home Owners Association, hereafter HOA. All too often these neighbourhood gentrification schemes are full of little tin Hitlers who think they own the very air you breathe and will fine you if you so much as roll your eyes. Or one eye. Can you do that? Is it possible?
ANYWAY AGAIN
I shall dub the narrator of this tale, and his wife, as Persistent Petty Person And Wife, hereafter PPPAW, because that describes both of them perfectly.
So, after his grandparents died, PPPAW inherited their house, barn and 5 acres of land. The plot was surrounded by 'Escent Estates', a pseudonym used for convenience, which had an HOA. EE mustered 3 plots, 90 houses total, of which 15 abutted the 5 acres. The house was in poor repair and needed a new roof, whilst the barn was a bit saggy to one side, and the plot was overgrown with weeds. I see the AI Art Generator missed that last point. Art!
HOA Covenant, AI Art Generator style
Then came an official letter from an attorney, on headed paper, saying that PPPAW had to join the HOA and a list of several dozen rule violations, such as the chain-link fence around the property. Absolutely gobsmacked at this, PPPAW calls the lawyer, whom we shall dub 'Scum Sucker' as the cap fits. SS uses legal jargon such as 'implied consent', 'prior use covenant' and threatens court, a lien on the house and a fine unless PPPAW joins the HOA. In an extremely smug and condescending tone.
Consulting his own lawyer, PPPAW does not get good news. The status of his property is in a definite gray area, any judgement would be 50/50, it might take a couple of years to resolve, would rack up a lot of legal costs, and might still fail. Art!
PPPAW's wife then slyly suggests that, yes, they ought to join the HOA. Not to comply with the legal bullying, but to work against it from the inside. Clever lady - also a bookkeeper. PPPAW, being both petty and patient, agrees. Paying the 'registration fee' of $2,400 and the first month's membership dues of $300, he then joins the HOA, and promptly requests their Covenants, Conditions and Restrictions, bylaws, 5 years of financial statements and the Board meeting schedule, which they have to accommodate, he being a fully paid-up member. SS sends a 350-page PDF, not realising that PPPAW is - you may be ahead of me here - both patient and petty. He spends 2 weeks reading the documents and the handbook, which is a confused mish-mash that has never been proofread. Art!
That's 'sexy mathematics', in case you were wondering. Because Your Humble Scribe did a bit of number-crunching to work out what sums we are talking here. 90 people paying $300 per month is $27,000 per month, and a total of $324,000 per annum. The joining fee for 90 houses comes out at $216,000. If the HOA had been in existence for at least 5 years, you're talking $1.5 million. These are not small sums.
Enter Carrie, the Prez of the HOA, who writes to PPPAW telling him that the barn and fence are non-compliant and need to be demolished. PPPAW approaches the 'Housing Beautification Board' and asks for fence approval, which is granted. Art!
PPPAW has a contractor put up a six-foot wooden fence around the 1,800 foot perimeter of his property, all perfectly in compliance with HOA rules. Carrie, who expected the chain-link fence to go, is apoplectic with rage and tries to threaten PPPAW, who sends her the copy of his approval letter from the HBB. Checkmate. Those 15 houses, which includes Carrie's, that abut his property now have a view of a fence.
Scum Sucker seeks to fine PPPAW at any opportunity, which PPPAW just pays, not giving them any chance to take legal action. Au contraire, he requests full financial statements for the past 2 years, which the management company behind the HOA, as well as Scummy, try to stonewall, until he threatens legal action to compel. I bet that made Scummy angry, having his own tactics used against him.
They send many thousands of documents, clearly hoping to overwhelm PPPAW, which doesn't work because of the 'PP' part of 'PPPAW'. He and his wife - the book-keeper, remember? - take a month to go over all these documents, finding out two very interesting things. The HOA had contracted a landscaping service, 'Carrie's Beautiful Borders', which is owned by Prez Carrie, a clear violation of at least three laws. Not only that, CBB gets paid $20,000 per month for the services, which totals $240,000 per year. Once again, not small numbers.
Nice, but a quarter of a million nice?
Next revelation was that Scum Sucker was on a $15,000 monthly retainer and got paid for every violation letter sent. That correspondence for the fence dispute alone cost the HOA $8,000. I believe this is called 'a conflict of interest'.
Hmmmm, we're only going to have room for this single story, so let me continue.
PPPAW decided to take the fight to the enemy. He went down to the county records office and examined anything they had on file about 'Escent Estates', which had been built in 3 plots.
SURPRISE! The developer had mucked up. Plot 2 and 3 both had attached Covenants, meaning they were in the HOA. PLOT 1 WAS NOT. There were no Covenant documents attached at all, meaning the first 20 houses, where dwelt - or infested, if you like - Carrie the Prez, the HOA treasurer and secretary, weren't in the HOA. Art!
SURPRISE!
Scummy must have known this, if he had done due diligence, and was thus perpetuating the fraud. Or, if he didn't do due diligence, he was utterly incompetent.
Armed with documents and a Powerpoint, PPPAW calls a Special Meeting of the Membership, which he can do as he's a fully paid-up member in good standing, by which point Scummy is probably rueing the day he ever tried bullying PPPAW. Thanks to PPPAW's canvassing members, there is a full turnout. He goes into the financial fraud and the lack of HOA status for the Prez, treasurer and secretary. Scummy tries to bluster his way out of it and fails, a vote being taken to end his contract immediately. He leaves, threatening repercussions.
Repercussions! my hairy white posterior. Well, there are for the criminals involved. PPPAW sends off a huge docket of evidence to the District Attorney and the State Bar Association. Scummy is disbarred, having already been on very thin ice for other dubious legal practices, meaning he will probably never get his licence back.
Sad Scummy
Carrie and her two minions were arrested and charged with mail fraud and grand larceny due to the amounts of money involved. No news about a sentence from PPPAW, but Carrie had to sell her house to pay for legal fees and reparations, so she may have plea-bargained her way out of prison.
The HOA was dissolved and property prices increased as a result.
Be careful what you wish for, Scummy, because getting it may not result in what you wanted, rather more what you deserved.
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