We'll Get There In Due Time
First, we need to explicate what 'Up the junction' means, as those benighted heathens who are not native to the Allotment Of Eden may not understand quite what I mean. The phrase means 'To be in a problematic or troubled situation' and is alleged to refer to Clapham Junction, one of This Sceptred Isle's busiest railway intersections. Art!
'Twas also a film, which is a lot more photogenic to open with than a nest of metal spaghetti. Which I will put up as an illo if you insist? O very well. Art!
Hot rails to -
Chadwell
There was also a song by Squeeze, which I'm not going to elucidate at there's quite enough to get through in this Intro.
Okay, first cast your optics o'er The Pond, as this traumatic - nearly typed 'tramatic' which would have been an hilarious typo given all those rails! - tale of treachery, Florida and the South Canadian Postal Service. The narrator of this Youtube Reddit re-telling explains that Certified Mail has to be used by Home Owner Associations <spit hack> in Florida to notify members of anything ongoing. For Your Information, a CM provides proof of posting, allows tracking en route and gives the recipient a receipt. One has to pay for the privilege, at least $5.30 for the basic version with additional charges for extra bells and whistles. Art!
I lied. Sue me.
Our narrator, Florida Antagonist Feeling Offensive, hereafter FAFO NO SNIGGERING AT THE BACK! said that his HOA required members to communicate with them via CM only.
When he purchased his house, he had been sent the 'CC& R' without stating whatever these were. Leave it to Conrad; it means 'Covenants, Conditions and Restrictions', meaning a listing of what you can or cannot do under the aegis of the HOA. Critically, this docket did not include the bylaws, which would list violations and complaints procedures. Ooops. Nor was this an accident, as we shall see. Art!
A house in Florida
Three months into his tenure in this new estate, FAFO came home to find an envelope taped to his door, left there by the HOA, who lacked the spine to present it in person. Because it contained a list of alleged violations and an 'Intent To Lien' notification. Listed were:
- Rubbish bins not concealed from public view
- Standing water on property - a bodge by the developer FAFO was fighting
- Bushes not trimmed properly
- Ring doorbell installed
Total fines, fees and legal costs = $4,032.12. The 'Intent To Lien' is warning that a lien is going to be placed on the house, making it legally impossible to sell until all monies owed are paid. Art!
FAFO saw red (see above). He sent a series of e-mails that were ignored until finally told to comply with the method of communicating as per bylaws.
Which he didn't have.
Which they wouldn't provide a copy of.
Other people might have been disheartened. Not FAFO! He badgered the developers (D R Horton) who instantly caved and sent him a copy of said mysterious and exotic bylaws, because they were already fed up with his battle about the standing water, which had been going on for three months with no let up. the junction
Surprise! The bylaws explicitly state that the HOA should have notified him by separate CM for every violation, numbering 22 at $7 each, meaning the HOA had ducked out of paying $154. They were going to rue the day they ever cut corners with this HOA member, believe me.
Yes, an aside. FAFO's character reminds me of a lead protagonist in the novel above: Mark Hazleton, City Manager of the Okie city New York, a job which requires tact, diplomacy, animal cunning and being able to think thirty moves ahead in games of chess. Hazleton is described as taking 'Lazy folk's pains' when he commits himself to a path of action, even if it begins inconsequentially and then escalates, he remains committed. So too our foe of the HOA.
ANYWAY I'm only about half-way through this toxic thaumaturgy, and were I to continue then we'd be at Count with no other content. So I am going to stop here, as FAFO takes 2 days leave in order to plot and plan pulchritudinously. This chap is going to hatch a basilisk. Art!
Basil. Close enough.
Another Unsatisfying Apocalypse
Perhaps 'Apocalypse Prediction' is closer to the truth, as yes, we are now on Number Three of those assorted '6 Catastrophes That Could End Our World'. Conrad has already poo-poohed the first two and before you complain, do you want me to be WRONG? Art!
Talk about underselling. If the Yellowstone super-volcano blows, it will devastate the entire Northern Hemisphere, shrouding it with ash for years and destroying agriculture, causing global famine. However - first use today! - that 'IF' here is written in letters ten feet tall as the probability is about one in three-quarters of a million. Being cautious, you might want to order a stock of tinned goods and bottled water just in case it blows up.
Talking Of An Appetite For Destruction
More of the SHREDDERS! This one is a bit of a mystery, as the 'Discovery Tech' narrator doesn't mention either the maker or the model of these champing mechanical jaws. Art!
The only ID is a suffix for an e-mail, which leads exactly nowhere on teh Interwebz. You can't see any marque or logo on the crusher. You do get to see it destroying an inert gas cylinder, mind. Art!
The extremely sober voice-over warns us that gas cylinders have to be specially de-pressurised before being crushed, or there might be a catastrophic explosion as they get punctured by the crushing teeth. The shredded end product is, we are told, high-quality steel that can now be used for secondary metal processing. Art!
Matey here is gambling that all these cylinders have been rendered completely safe, which they have been so far as he still has both hands. All it takes, mind you, is a single slip-up.
They Finally Got It Right!
Conrad is happy to see that 'Tank Encyclopaedia' have finally listened to the criticisms of BOOJUM! and gone ahead with a properly sourced photograph for an item we've lambasted them for in the past. Art!
These are, indeed, tanks of the Sinister Union that were designed to be amphibious from the get-go, not merely by virtue of a quick field-conversion to ford a river. Art!
'Light' at 14 tons
They were intended to be used for reconnaissance, being very lightly armoured to keep their weight down, which meant they couldn't indulge in stand-up the junction fights with heavier metal. Their main gun, a 76 mm weapon, was also on the feeble side for Cold War combat. On the other hand, they were robust, reliable and able to swim, an innate ability of considerable use in the European theatre, where rivers crossed the continent north to south, meaning the Sinisters would have to bridge or ford them to advance.
Brief Mischief
Time for a bit of gloating about how Dozy Don The Nappy Chappy* and his media empire are getting on in terms of stock market performance. Art!
So far.
We shall indubitably come back to this topic. I bet you can hardly wait.
Finally -
Going out with another Biercism. Honestly, consider how much better South Canada would be now if he'd gone into politics and become Prez Bierce.
Hmmmm. That's a potential Intro for another day. ANYWAY -
'Apologise, v. To lay the foundation for a future offence'
* Deliberately ambiguous
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