Just To Make A Point
I am going to randomly inflict the Remote Nuclear Tormentor on fifty of you, who would otherwise be cavilling at the 'typo' in this evening's title. NO IT IS NOT A TYPO!
Now that we've got that out of the way, we need to cattle-prod Art into a state of semi-sentience and out of his coal-induced stupor.
<sounds of crackling and sizzling flesh>
This is the real-life aftermath of a scene in 'Black Hawk Down' when the Blackhawks scare a herd of wild boar in the coastal shallows off Mogadishu. Art!
How they got the hogs to co-operate I don't know.
ANYWAY you ought to be able to guess that this Intro is going to be about Boars. We shall, inevitably, get to the item that sparked this meaty meditation and I'll certainly tell you when we do. In the meantime BOOJUM! is going to wend it's way there via any number of Boars in metaphor and history. Your Humble Scribe did wonder if there was enough to sustain a whole Intro, until I perused my 'Brewer's' and got reassured about content. Art!
Behold Guillaume, Comte de la Marck, who was nicknamed 'The Wild Boar Of The Ardennes' thank to his ferocious temper and behaviour, and a real wild boar. I doubt you'd have gotten away with cajoling him to be 'Quiet, piggy.' Art!
Lo! the Calydonian Boar. You might be able to guess by their undress that these chaps do not hail from the Highlands of Caledonia. Wearing as little as this even at the height of a Scottish summer is extremely rash and only excusable thanks to whisky.
No, here we see a team of hunters doing pest control, with Atlanta getting in the first blow and Meleager the coup de grace. Their king, Oeneus, had neglected to make any requisite sacrifices to the goddess Artemis, and there is nothing as petty and entitled as a Greek goddess in a snit. She it was who sent the monstrous boar to raise havoc in Calydon, which ended up as a pork supper, I would guess (see Picture One above). Art!
Talking of pork suppers -
That's Buddha, riding a boar, a very risky enterprise indeed, given the tusks they are equipped with (again, see Picture One above). 'Brewer's' has it that he was killed by consuming dried boar's flesh, which is seen as an analogy of retaining not disseminating esoteric knowledge, as well as observing Best By Dates. Art!
You may not be aware, as Conrad wasn't, that the white boar was a sigil used by Richard III, as seen above on his coat of arms. He came a cropper at the Battle of Bosworth Field, 1485, and suffered an event that brought an end to his kingship, namely death. After that the white boar was repainted blue. Art!
This is supposed to be the Erymanthian Boar, which looks more like a woolly mammoth, thank you poetic licence. As a force of nature, it infested the locality of Mount Erymanthus in Arcadia, causing all sorts of destruction and probably fouling the pavements, too. It fell to Hercules to trap and kill it, resulting in Arcadia's biggest pork dinner for centuries. Art!
This is a boar spear, as mentioned in both the 'Uncle' stories and 'The Once And Future King'. The shaft is shorter than a war spear and there is a cross-piece set a short distance behind the head, intended to keep the spear from penetrating too deep and getting stuck or broken, and to prevent an enraged boar from running up the shaft to deliver some good news of it's own.
I did warn you about what triggered this herd of hogs, and here it is. Art!
Currently, the city of Barad-Dur (Moscow if we're being polite) is undergoing an infestation of wild boars. The estimate is that up to 650 of the prowling porkers live within the city limits, where they have been driven by hunting and culling in the wilds. They scavenge for food in residential areas and can be unpredictably aggressive, so any orcs encountering them are encouraged to contact The Authorities, who might intervene at the prospect of a pork dinner. For those confused about differentiation, orcs generally walk upright, although may resort to all fours thanks to vodka*. Art!
This is one of 'Beefeater''s AI illustrations on Twitter from the recent past. I'm being naughty here as I've not asked permission, but it was just too much of a splendid illustration of both synchronicity and coincidence. Don't forget that, at the end of 'Animal Farm', it's impossible to tell the people from the Prime Pigs.
Conrad could have made this Intro even longer by including references to an Ocker film, 'Razorback', and the Teuton's Luftwaffe tactics of 'Wilde Sau', which translates as 'Wild Boar'. However - first use today! - we're already 800 words in and I can always come back to this theme at a later date.
Conrad: Official Member Of The Brotherhood Of Bad Taste
You may have heard that two Ruffian shadow fleet tankers were hit by Ukrainian marine drones yesteryon. At first the cause was 'unknown', then it was Ruffian mines, and now we know it was 'Sea Baby' drones. The Turkish Coast Guard has rescued the crews and is still fighting fires. Art!
Then, yesteryon, they tried to launch an 'Avangard' hypersonic vehicle mated to a Sarmat missile.
It did not end well. Art!
Rain not smoke but you could argue it was raining missiles. Another clip that will never be shown on Ruffian television.
Whilst We're Lambasting The Usual Suspects -
I came across another unflattering nickname for the Orange Land Whale today - 'Fat Caligula', which is certainly going to make more appearances in these pages. As further proof, were it needed, that Trump's word-salad utterances are the product of Adderall withdrawal and an inability to read beyond elementary school level - Art!
Thank you for your attention to this natter.
Last Of The Limp Apocalypses
We're now onto Number Six, and if Art w - O stop whinging and put a bit of balm on it or run it under a cold tap. Art!
Should that be 'causing damage' and 'ending the war'? because otherwise it makes no grammatical sense. And you know Conrad's rankling hatred of people who mangle the Mother Of All Languages.
One thing that militates against biological warfare is that microorganisms do not recognise international boundaries, political parties or combatant/non-combatant status. I make this point extensively in my MSS 'Revelations' where an attack on the Allotment Of Eden with a tailored virus spreads uncontrollably - if you're very good - or very bad - I may deliver the whole thing via installments.
See that excellent film 'Warning Signs' for an explanation of biological warfare parameters.
From Sticks To Sawdust
I've skipped a few shredding clips from the current Youtube assemblage that are either simply shredding machines doing what we've already seen, or grinding trees down with jib-mounted rollers. Art!
This woodchipper can accommodate pretty sizeable trees without jamming, since there is no pause in their conversion to sawdust. Art!
In case you were wondering, sawdust can be used for animal bedding, garden mulch, cleaning spills, killing weeds and making particle board. Art!
Ha! Take That, I-Pod!
As I've been doing the past few weekends, I am listening to the random track selection on my I-Pod. Every so often it will throw up an unidentified track, such as 'EULN Track 1', which is annoying, especially if it's an instrumental track, as this was, because you have little to go on.
Until I remembered 'Shazam' on my mobile. Ten seconds later - Art!
Thank you and goodnight.
* Sadly not an exaggeration.
Or new. A proud Ruffian tradition going back at least 500 years.
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