We Are Using The Formal Name For What We Usually Dub 'South Canada'
Because otherwise our hilarious joke won't be funny. You see, today's Intro concerns a South Canadian institution known as the 'Home Owners Association', or HOA for short, and now you can see how utterly amusing today's title is. LAUGH OR REMOTE NUCLEAR TORMENTOR FOR YOU!
Art?
"Killer sock with fangs of steel' was the AI prompt, because, frankly, an HOA is as dull as stagnant ditchwater when it comes to appearances.
A little background information to set the scene. An HOA is usually formed by a developer when they build houses, with the intent that, as people buy properties and move in, they will gradually replace the original members nominated by the developer. The HOA will have a Board of Directors, usually with a President, Treasurer, Secretary and other positions. Whilst the intent of an HOA is to uphold standards within their community, all too often they get staffed by little tin Hitlers who abuse their positions and powers. There are countless stories on Youtube's Reddit channels about such horror stories, and I'm going to relate one here. Art!
Gentle reader, meet an underground rainwater cistern. Ecologically Sound Home Owning Teller, hereafter ESHOT, wanted a nice green lawn but was reluctant to use plumbed mains water, seeing it as a finite resource. How much better, he thought, to have a giant tank that collects rainfall which can be used to irrigate his property? He didn't bother to get approval from the HOA because once installed the cistern would be invisible, meaning it fell outside any legal challenges they might make. Hmmmmm. Well -
No. The HOA found out about the cistern and immediately jibbed at it's construction, even though it was at the rear of ESHOT's house and out of sight. They claimed that the Town would object to the creation of an underground cistern. ESHOT replied back - they seem to have done their legal homework - that Town legislation specifically banned measures PREVENTING underground water storage for irrigation. Art!
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| Beautiful in brick |
Next, the HOA objected on the grounds that Town required planning approval of any concrete structure, such as a rainwater cistern. ESHOT forwarded them a statement from Town that there were no such planning requirements for a whole list of concrete impedimenta. Art!
Concrete impedimenta not requiring a permit. Just so we're clear.
By this time the HOA was contradicting it's own terms and conditions, and when ESHOT submitted a retrospective planning request, they denied it, possibly hoping he would just go away and stop bothering them.
Nope. He prepared extensively for the next board meeting, working on legal remedies to their sanctions, in detail. The HOA responded by, on the day before the board meeting, accidentally' sending all the details of his application to the entire HOA neighbourhood. Why they did this is anyone's guess, because ESHOT had proved he was 1) not going to back off and 2) had the law on his side.
He retained legal counsel.
The cowards in the HOA immediately cancelled the board meeting and set a new date months into the future. I believe this is known as the 'kick the can down the road' approach, which also involves 'cross fingers' and also 'pray'. Art!
Not sure what this is
Shortly before this second meeting, the HOA cancelled it and then changed tack, seeing if they could come to an agreement with ESHOT. They wanted the cistern screened and any trees removed to be replaced.
ESHOT's lawyer pointed out the cistern was invisible and thus didn't require screening, and no trees had been removed, because ESHOT wanted an easy installation. Again, using their KTCDTR model, it took the HOA two months to reply, stating that 'The association considers this matter to be closed', hoping this would make things go back to normal and they could pretend none of this happened.
Ah, but - Art!
All that legal representation they needed to counter ESHOT cost them in the region of $9,000, which they tried to explain away as 'legal fees associated with a member's architectural appeal'. Then they tried to recoup this money by raising everyone's HOA dues, which resulted in a revolt by the members, the sacking and replacing of the entire Board of Directors, cancellation of the dues increase, and - you may be ahead of me here - evidence of large-scale fraud and embezzlement by the ex-Board members, most of whom ended up in jail.
And to think they could have avoided all of that by merely not being complete bottomhole human beings. Which is a coda you can write to most of recorded history.
Here's One Conrad Can Get Behind
What happens when you make a documentary film so terrifying that it will not be released by the people who commissioned it?
You get 'The War Game', a low-budget film commissioned by the BBC in 1965, to be directed by Peter Watkins. Art!
Supposedly set in World War Three, it relates the effect of a malfunctioning Sinister nuclear missile that misses the airbase it was aimed at, and instead destroys Canterbury. The background information was derived from real-life events such as Hiroshima and Dresden, and it is unremittingly bleak, which explains why it was only shown 20 years after being made. Yes, Conrad has seen it, and is not keen to watch it again. Talking of nuclear missiles .....
Let Us Now Recommence Giving Ruffia A Right Shoeing
I am indebted to 'Jason Jay Smart' and his self-named Youtube channel for the following facts and figures, and would encourage you to check him out, as his vlogs are usually only around 15 minutes long. In this one there is a rather flattering Ruffian map at the 00:35 seconds mark. Art!
'Agenstvo' and 'Russia'. I like to keep you informed
This is one of the staples of Ruffian television: gloasting about attacking NATO with nuclear weapons, leaving out the inevitable response from the UK and France, both of whom have ballistic missile submarines, one of which is always on station. The location of the Ruffian missiles is 'Severmorsk', and they identify the red-label targets as London, Birmingham and - drum roll and trumpets - Manchester! I've don't think I've ever seen one of these maps that starred Gommorah-In-The-Irwell before; I feel that we here in this city must have really, really annoyed the orcses to be included. Vindicated.
The grey-label is Devonport. Why there and not Faslane I do not know. Truly, the ways of Mordorvia are hoggish and unclean. They don't like to mention Canterbury as this is where they went wild with Novichok.
ANYWAY one thing that Jason did was quantify the budgets of several Ruffian regions, because if they were doing well we wouldn't have an item, would we? Art!
That shaded area is the Arkhanglesk Oblast, one of the northern territories within the Arctic, with access to the White Sea when it's not ice-locked. The oblast's Governor is now officially a very worried man; his budget for 2025 was $1.6 billion and by the 1st of September - with 4 months of the year to go - it was down to $500,000. Ooops. Also Erk! So, 1/3200th of the budget left to stretch over the rest of the year, or 0.03125%, when they need $800,000,000. Naturally they are petitioning Barad-Dur to bale them out, but will have to get in line behind the other oblasts that are down to 1 or 2 days operating expenses. Ooops.
Just to relay a few other pearls of poison that JJS passed on, the Ruffian port of Ust-Luga, which sits to the west of Saint Petersburg, is still undergoing repairs after a Ukrainian drone strike. In 2024. This port is the terminii for oil and gas pipelines and any defects in operation are going to cost $$$. Art!
JANUARY 2024
Just to bring the pain a bit more, India is now barring sanctioned Ruffian oil tankers from 14 of it's ports. The orcses may be able to get around this by trans-shipping oil at sea from sanctioned to non-sanctioned tankers, but then risk sanctions being imposed on these newly-loaded tankers.
The 'Jackie Chan Effect'
Jackie is well-known for his comedies but the only film Conrad has seen him in is 'The Foreigner', which is about as funny as bubonic plague, dealing with terrorism, loss of family and revenge O! so much revenge. Art!
I've never seen an episode of 'The Fugitive'. What I was familiar with in the Seventies was Ol' Dave in 'Harry O', a South Canadian television show that played here on the BBC Friday evenings. He played a private detective, retired from the police after a severe back injury, which meant he was unable to manage feats of physical effort. He also travelled by bus, making him utterly unique amongst television detectives, with an occasional explanation that, as a police officer, he'd been required to tail a suspect travelling on a bus. It was the most tortuous law-enforcement experience he'd suffered. Art!
Harry Orwell, before you ask.
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