For Those Of You With Long Memories
Or just retentive ones. You may well recognise Conrad's spoofing of an entry in Douglas Adams' 'The Restaurant At The End Of The Universe', where characters can enjoy a meal at said catering establishment. Art!
'End' as in time not distance
Should the appeal of this venue ever pall, why, said characters can whiz back through time and enjoy convenience food at the 'Big Bang Burger Bar', with strict injunctions not to reach out of the window and interrupt Creation.
ANYWAY we are here in this Intro to discuss all things, or a selection thereof, about thermonuclear weaponry, because my interest was piqued by a story trailed on Twitter and also back up by reporting from "The Telegraph".
First of all, allow me to introduce Solovyev*, one of Putinpot's mouthpieces on Ruffian television, who parrots what the Kremlin wants to project. Art!
Note the date. Three years ago. Art!
This is a conflation of two earlier threats made in May 2022, when the UK was actively supporting Ukraine, which really, really, angered the Ruffians. Another gremlin for the Kremlin, Kiselyov, was boasting about Sarmat as well, in addition to the '100-megaton Poseidon torpedo' which he declared would be detonated underwater in the North Atlantic, creating a tsunami 1,600 feet high that would submerge the entire British Isles - and Eire, too - and leave it a radioactive desert.
Sadly for Kiselyov, the Poseidon only carries a 2-megaton warhead. Even if it were 50 times bigger there is no way it would create a tsunami of any sort, unless it went off 500 yards from the Blackpool sea-wall, in which case it might wash Blackpool off the map. Which some might say was an improvement. Sorry, orcs. Art!
BEFORE Silo hatch
Ah yes, Sarmat. The world's biggest Inter-Continental Ballistic Missile, mounting 10 warheads, but still using liquid fuel - so Nineties, dahling! Not merely old-fashioned, but actively dangerous, thanks to the nature of missile fuels, which are toxic, flammable (duh!) and corrosive. The picture above is from September 2024, when the Ruffians were getting ready to try a second launch. The first during February 2023 had ended in failure, then the second and third had been cancelled, to absolutely no fanfare at all because that would have made Charlie Chipmunk Cheeks look bad. Art!
AFTER
Unlike the 2023 failure, this one was catastrophic as the Sarmat blew up in it's silo, leaving an enormous area of scorched devastation - a 'Burner' indeed - and creating touchy subject matter not to be everrrr mentioned in front of the Puffy Phaced Petrol Pimp.
The thing is, playing stupid games tends to lead to the competitors winning stupid prizes. Art!
Inventor of the 'Teddy Bear'
This is Teddy Roosevelt, who used the pithy phrase 'Talk softly and carry a big stick', an aphorism reversed by Modern-day Mordor, where they 'Talk loudly and carry a lolly stick'. It being a lot cheaper than a Sarmat, one believes. Art!
This is a C-17 cargo carrier of the South Canadian Air Force, touching down at their base in RAF Lakenheath. On Thursday just gone, one of these flew in all the way from Kirtland Air Force Base in New Mexico, keeping it's transponder on so it could be tracked by everyone.
Why so?
Well, the smart money is that it was carrying nuclear weapons, specifically the B-61-12 gravity bomb, because:
1) Airspace over Lakenheath was restricted during the arrival, and you don't bother with that kind of security if flying in drywall insulation and frozen Twinkies. Art!
Neither lakey nor heathy
2) Kirtland is where the SCAF stores it's big bang bombs. Safely underground, away from prying eyes and ears. Art!
3) There are two fighter squadrons of F-35s at Lakenheath, which are nuclear-capable. Art!
The B-61 comes in seven different varieties, with yields varying from 0.3 kilotons to 300 kilotons, depending on iteration, meaning they can destroy a point target at the lowest yield, such as an airfield, or a city at the highest. Naturally the Kremlin is watching all this quiet background threat with goggle eyes, wondering and calculating that the weapons are the city-buster version as in these cases one assumes Worst Case Scenario. Art!
The thing about gravity bombs, even the thermonuclear ones with 5,915 components, is that they are as simple as a box of rocks when compared with cruise or ballistic missiles. They get dropped, they either impact or their time fuse goes off and they blow up, reliably and consistently. No worries about dangerously unstable fuels or incredibly complex guidance mechanisms, and as for range, it's quite possible that the SCAF (or their partners in mischief Perfidious Albion) have come up with a glide-kit that enables them to be dropped from 50 miles distant. That possibility will have the GRU (Ruffian Military Intelligence) chewing their nails to the quick.
Even more worrying for Mordorvia is that another C-17 was inbound for Europe as of Friday, leading to speculation as to i) what it was carrying and ii) where it was heading.
So - Britain. That Blighty barn where are stored the big bang bombs that burn. See what all your threats achieved, Bunker Grandad?
Conrad Coins A Phrase
I do this consistently, don't I? In this case it is 'Teaboo', which is the British equivalent of the 'Wehraboo'. Wehraboos, lest ye be unaware, are those annoying people who insist that the Wehrmacht of the Second Unpleasantness was the best army in the world evah, that it's soldiers were the best evah, that it's weapons were the best evah, and that they actually won the war. If their audience dares to have recourse to things like 'facts', 'evidence' or 'the truth' they stick a finger in each ear and yell Wagner's 'Nibelungen' at full volume until people go away or their voice goes, whichever comes first.
Your Humble Scribe is the British version of same, hence the 'Tea-' title. I can prove this by - Art!
I think this is a cut-scene for a WW2 tactical combat game, this particular one being 'Sidi Barrani December 1940'. Allow me to post what I Commented on 'Spaghetti Kozak Media's Youtube channel.
I did notice, and you can dub me a Teaboo, that the 'Sidi Barrani 1940' illustration' features a Stuka, which did not arrive in North Africa until early 1941, and a couple of Valentine tanks, which didn't arrive in North Africa until late 1941.
How To Tilt At Silt
We have mentioned the profound problems raised by cave diving when silt is stirred up, as the environment then resembles swimming inside a tin of condensed milk.
All is not lost if this occurs, as long as you, Cave Diver, remain cool and collected. Art!
When swimming through the silt cloud try to maintain good neutral buoyancy to prevent any surprise ascents or descents. When you start moving, try using the Frog Kick finning technique. This technique prevents any more silt from getting kicked up, which would make it more difficult to escape. When swimming, take your time and proceed slowly and gently - it’s likely you may not see what you are swimming into. Having your hand out in front of you will protect your head in case you bump into anything which may be hidden.
Of course, you can avoid this terrifying circumstance by - not going cave diving.
This is only one of several recommendations about how to survive silting, which we may come back to, as it's so unusual and beyond normal life.
THE FOOLS! THE MEDDLING FOOLS!
Do you want Skynet? BECAUSE THIS IS HOW YOU GET SKYNET! Art?
Bah!
Finally -
I've made pickled mushrooms and zucchini fritters today, is there time to make a Pork Belly Stew? Time to find out.
* It's actually 'Solovyev' but I like to annoy him like this.
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