No, We're Not Talking Orcs Or Norks Here
For we here at BOOJUM! are restricting our take to the civilised nations of the world, you know, the ones with inside plumbing and without cannibalism.
So what am I talking about?
OFFICE FOOD THIEVES!
Fortunately this appalling crime has never been inflicted on Conrad, because those who like a sauerkraut & sardine salad are few and far between, and the Sunday Stew is so garlanded about with jalapenos and hot sauce that it resembles edible lava. Art!
Thank you, AI art generator, I think: "Office food thief caught in the act" the text prompt. They do look proper shifty and have obviously slunk off to the rooftop garden to consume their purloined scran.
There are countless stories on Youtube's Reddit channels that narrate the story of office food thieves, and the various methods utilised by the victim to either gain revenge or seek out the culprit, or both. Art!
CAUTION! Manslaughter can often cause significant problems in the workplace
The problem with seeding your sandwiches or sabotaging your stew is that you can be liable for charges of poisoning your colleague, so you need an alibi for your Reaper Chili or Ex-Lax. Or Oil of Liquorice as used by one imaginative person.
Now onto the meat of the matter, which is a Wild Ride Of Escalation as per Youtube Reddit tales.
Put Upon Narrator (hereafter PUN) had been suffering from food theft for 3 months before they took direct action and dosed up their lunch with laxative in order to detect or deter the Office Food Thief (hereafter OFT).
OFT ended up in hospital with what seemed like a violent allergic reaction to the laxative lunch, and was visited by the office staff, where PUN confessed/admitted/boasted <delete where applicable> about spiking their food.
Honesty here not best policy. Their supervisor refused to do anything about the food theft and said PUN had to apologise to OFT, which wasn't happening. STAY STRONG PUN!
In fact the supervisor was unashamedly on the side of OFT, which seems a bit odd FORESHADOWING in that they're backing up a thief. Art!
I was going for 'backstabber' but this seems a tad extreme
PUN then enlightened that doctors said that OFT's reaction may have been to the laxative or the home-made chicken soup itself. She went to hospital not for the effects of the laxative but because of a huge rash on her abdomen.
Shock update! A second worker, who did not steal food, ended up in hospital with the same symptoms. What is going on? Or around?
Things had gotten to such a pitch that the home office - sorry, 'Home Office' - sent out a rep, who informed PUN that the first girl was going to sue him. For what? one questions. Art!
The flag of JUSTICE unfurled!
Then supervisor was suspended from work and OFT fired. Then OFT's husband came down with the same disease symptoms, further muddying the waters, as it implied a close physical transmission of the infectious agent.
Then the supervisor was fired. Then the Home Office rep, standing in for her, discovered she'd checked herself into hospital with the same symptoms as everyone else - three weeks previously.
THEN the supervisor admitted to having had a sexual relationship with both female staff, neither of whom knew about the other, Art!
AI's idea of a love-triangle
THEN ] the supervisor was arrested for knowingly spreading an infectious disease - twice! - which killed the suit she threatened the company with. PUN also decided he was going to sue the original infected victim, because this is South Canada and they're a litigious lot.
Surprise twist in the tale! PUN got sacked as Head Office discovered his Reddit thread, which is a bit of a bummer, except he's probably grateful to get out of such a toxic workplace.
That's not all. O noes! You see, the sinful sexually suppurating supervisor made a tearful declamation to OFT about undying love, together forever, true hearts etcetera, which went down as well as tap-dancing across a minefield. The husband of OFT was sat next to her when she took the call, you see. So - DIVORCE!
Do you want yet another twist? Because here's another twist. OFT went absolutely mental and boasted that she'd been having an affair with the second diseased victim for over a year. This is when her hubbo threw her out. Art!
How does that chicken soup taste now?
I don't know if there's enough material here for a film, but you could always pad the script a bit.
Overall, I feel justice has been meted out.
Bussted
To coin a new word. NO! It is not a typo. It is tangentially related to the Orange Oafish Object, because this item deals with the hapless bafunes who attended one of his rallies yesteryon, and queued for hours to do so.
It was billed as 'Coachella', a South Canadian music venue that hosts festivals on a regular basis. However - that inevitable word - Donold is too cheap to hire that stadium, and worried he might not fill it, so he booked a completely different venue. Art!
Parking was 6 miles from his venue, so the eager marks were bussed all the way to the event, which said distance prevented anyone from leaving early.
However - again! - when the 5,000 attendees filed out of the bleachers, they found only a single bus present, rather than the 30 that had dropped them off. The toilets were locked shut, too, and then it began to rain .....
Various audience bafunes have been posting about how angry they are,how the mayor Coachella is to blame, that it's 'nefarious and criminal' and so on and so forth, none of them daring to criticize Bloaty Gas Tout's best mate. Art!
What's that song by The Saints? O yes - "I'm Stranded"
I Really Didn't See This Coming
Conrad has seen the film "I, Robot", which has as much in common with the source novel as "Starship Troopers" does, that is to say, not a lot. Why do I mention this? Art!
No danger of the Uncanny Valley with either of these designs, is there? Conrad saw a picture of the Cybercad or whatever it's called, and decided there and then that the design came from a Thirties Bakelite radio. Definitely not a film about robots. Art!
I have a feeling we'll be coming back to this.
From Here To Fear
Moving from Bakelite to blood, and hopefully #20 in Berni Wrightson's 1993 trading card set for FPG, "Master Of The Macabre". Art!
More of things beginning with "B", such as "Backdrop", "Berni" and "B
Yes, I think it's time to move on here. Nothing to see, keep going.
Finally -
Just to let you know that I've plucked a volume of the British "Official History Of The War" from the shelves, this being "Military Operations Italy 1915 - 1919", and if Art will put down his bowl of coking coal -
By comparison with a lot of other volumes dealing with the Western Front, this one is compact, thanks to the timeframe being shorter by nine months and with only a handful of British divisions involved.
You are definitely going to hear more on this subject, O yes indeed!
But for now, adieu!
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