Which You Will INSTANTLY Recognise As
"Get to the chopper!" in Romanian, for Lo! do we not have another Intro following the theme of yesteryon's about 'Choppers', leading up to -
That would be telling. First of all, allow me to introduce Jack Burton's steel stallion, which is a supporting character in "Big Trouble In Little China", Art!
Here she, is the monster that is the "THE PORK-CHOP EXPRESS", so-named because Jack's premier cash cargo is live pigs, which is explained in the script as a background note, and because of nosy folks like Conrad. There you go, a sneaky click-baity Intro picture and reference to another type of chop, that being the one you eat. Art!
I know what you're thinking, that's a mouse, you're not going to get much out of a mouse-chop, you'd be better off making soup -
HA! WRONG! That's no mere mortal mouse, that's Speedy Gonzales, and the important bit here is the noun (or verb, it's a bit fluid that way) 'Speedy', because what do we Brits say when meaning 'Hurry up!'.
"Chop Chop".
This is a corruption of the Chinese Cantonese phrase "Kap Kap", a dialect version meaning "Quickly". Art!
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| It's all in the reflexes |
Then we have "Chop Shop", the definition of which depends which side of the Atlantic Ocean we are talking about. Here in This Sceptred Isle - Art!
We mean, of course - obviously! - a butcher's shop; this one seems to have diversified a tad. You might have to look out for lead shot in the partridge, mind. Art!
Teh Interwebz assure me that this is a 'chop shop' in the unlikely-named Snohomish County of Washington State over in South Canada. These are illegal garage operations that strip down stolen cars and render them unto bits and pieces, all the better to sell them on. Disgraceful!
Oranges and lemons,
Say the bells of St. Clement's.
until it reaches the sinister last verse -
Here comes a candle to light you to bed,
And here comes a chopper to chop off your head!
Delightful. Who knows the trauma this has inflicted on centuries of small children? Art!
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| Some mistake, surely? |
Enogh prevarication, let us get down to brass tacks, or bark trunks, and look at a couple more potentially dangerous wood-chopping machines. Remember, dangerous as these may be, the home-made bodged-up versions are far more lethal. Art!
This particular infernal engine is a geared axle that sports a single edged cutting blade, which is propelled with such force behind it that anything presented in front is cloven in twain. Art!
That wedge head and the blade make short work of the tree trunk chunk. Be aware that there is zero provision for placing or removing the wood remotely, it's all hands-on and if your fingers get in the way a pair of flimsy rubberised gloves aren't going to help one jot. Is there an emergency stop? Once hit, will this instantly cause the axle to stop dead - yes, poor choice of words there - or will inertia keep it moving? Enquiring minds want to know! Art?
This one looks positively benign by comparison, unless you're the tree being fed into it. Art!
The cutting blades are at the far end, which is well beyond the ability of a normal Hom. Sap. to reach with their arm, UNLESS you get snagged by loose clothing and dragged into the hungry gaping maw. There ought to be an emergency stop on the exterior, reachable with either hand, except I can't see it. Thanks to the cutting edges not being visible from outside, not one to go poking around in should a jam or blockage occur,unless you feel you have an excess of fingers and limbs. Art!
This one is so safe it's rather dull and unexciting. The operator is completely enclosed away from the chainsaw and trunk splitter, with all operation being remote and no hazardous moving by hand required <sad face>.
Conrad Is VERY VERY ANGRY!
Yes indeedy Ally Sheedy, all the more so as I've got three brand new objectionable words from a single Codeword. Boy, someone knows how to push my Rage and Hate buttons! <short pause to venomously mash the Remote Nuclear Detonator>.
ASTATINE: Sounds like one of the arch-angels, doesn't it? "For, Lo! and yea verily did not the arch-angel Astatine put a brew on" or some such shizzle.
WRONG! It's a chemical element. Conrad knows this because he has more than a passing familiarity with the Periodic Table. Art!
It's a rather mysterious element, not existing naturally, rather like Alan Carr, but only as a decay product of other elements. It's exceedingly radioactive, so much so that it cannot exist naturally, rather like Russell Brand, and if it were to be made in a lab, it would spontaneously vapourise, rather like Alan Carr and Russell Brand will when I take over.
WHY IS THIS BEING USED AS A CODEWORD SOLUTION?
RHEBOK: NO! Nothing to do with trainers, this is a species of South African antelope, obviously - of course! - and naturally we are expected to be up on exotic fauna of other far distant nations because - well, I'll get back to you on that. Art!
PEIGNOIR: This is so very obviously an instrument of medieval torture that I don't even need to look it up. It's one of those chairs with iron bands around the wrists, ankles and neck, isn't it? which can be progressively tightened to ill-effect. Art!
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| Ah. Perhaps not. |
Geneva Landmark Threatened By Ruffian Equivalent
I think I first became aware of the Jet D'eau way back in the early Seventies, when it was featured in the opening credits of "The Champions", and if Art will shrug off his coal-induced torpor -
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| Alexandra Bastedo and the two other blokes in Geneva |
It's not realllly the kind of arty-farty airy-fairy artefact one associates with the otherwise dour and diligent Helvetians.
On the other hand, in Moscow at present - Art!
Quite what is causing this impressive yet disgusting phenomenon is unclear, apart from it being to do with sewers of Barad-Duh. As with burning oil refineries, Conrad recommends the locals sell tickets for their new tourist attraction. Plus rent out some umbrellas, in case the wind shifts.
Conrad Is Curious
Well obviously, or these blogs would be a lot shorter than they are. If a matter intrigues me, then I am compelled to investigate and dig further, which is where seeing the title "Doctor Strangelove" in the M.E.N. gave me pause.
It was a bit of a puff-piece of an advert, with fulsome praise overlaid on an indistinguishable stage set. Art!
That answers a couple of questions about how they would manage to stage, if you'll forgive the pun, DSOHISWALTLTB on state. You could relocate a lot of the action to The War Room, yes; how would you manage to recreate the interior of a Big Ugly Fat Fella-52, as it would occupy the stage from one side to the other?
And will Steve Coogan be playing a bomber pilot, as Peter Sellers was originally slated to in the film, which he got out of by either not managing a convincing accent or falling from height and clattering his knee?
Hmmmmm is Conrad's considered judgement.
Conrad Considers
Tonight is the night of the weekly shop, and the last day before Halloween, after which all those hundreds of tons of unsold pumpkins will get - hmmm - not sure what. Sent to landfill? Charity kitchens? Dropped from helicopters for amusing splatter effects? Thus I may purchase one, just to say I have done. Pumpkin, whether in a pie or soup, is very bland and takes on the flavours of the other ingredients. Still, Conrad has flexed his baking muscles, even if ever so slightly, with those mug cakes, so you never can tell.
Finally -
That's rich. Puerto Rico, I mean- it means 'Rich Port'. Art!
You could make a case for it being in the Caribbean, not the - ah yes, let's not go there.
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