Alexander Dog Buns! Graham Bell

I Know D.A.R.P..A. Are Working On A Time-Machine

Quite beside the fact that time travel is possible, as proven by the BBC's premier dramamentary 'Doctor Who'.  When they get a working model Conrad is going to "Long-Term Borrow" it (which the uncouth slanderously call "Stealing"), pop back in time and arrange for Mister Bell to have a fatal accident.  Art!

Yes, the Doctor can be a bit prickly at times

     Conrad, you see, has never been a fan of the telephone.  In my opinion it means that people you don't like or want to communicate can pester you 24/7/52, and I only use mine to take photographs in order to upload to BOOJUM!  So if they were all to vanish then I'd simply get a digital camera.  O and buy physical bus tickets, because you can do that via contactless payment. 

     On the other hand, they do winnow the herd somewhat, as the stupid and feckless are often to be caught crossing the road whilst their attention is fixed to their Devil's Digital Device.  Also, "Person Of Interest" would have trouble tracking people.  Art!

     ANYWAY that has merely tangential relevance to what this Intro is about, which is another case of Manglement in action.  Thanks Quora for providing content!  Right, there is a South Canadian franchise called 'Servpro', and if Art will put down his bowl of coal -

     Our Original Poster worked there purely for the $$$ as the owner was, to stereotype wildly, A Lot Of A Bottomhole, and one of those people who don't want to hear the "N" word.  Consequently, when his office manager warned him that the business could not afford to move into a huge new warehouse, ALOAB fired him.  This was an office manager with over a decade's experience in the job, but he had said the "N" word, so he was 'let go', because after all what does a decade's worth of experience matter?

     In place of the experienced manager, ALOAB hired an horrendous woman from his church, who appeared to have graduated from the Putin Charm School Of Management, at the bottom of the class at that.  Art!

"The curriculum will include -"

     OP was not alone in hating her, the entire staff hated her.  Managers like this help to tank their own business as they drive staff to leave, morale and productivity fall and turnover goes through the roof.  Retention?  What's that?

     ANYWAY Harridan Manager clashed with OP repeatedly and plotted to get rid of her, finally coming up to her and saying there was a new mobile phone policy, which OP had to sign.

     OP was instantly suspicious.  Rather than simply sign her name, she added the date in the middle of her signature ("Original 23/08/2009 Poster"), then took a photocopy for herself.

     Surprise!  HM then informed OP she was fired for violating the new policy, so OP, still being canny, e-mailed a friend outside the business about this nonsense.

     This being South Canada, she then filed for unemployment, because over there if your employer fires you, they have to pay your unemployment benefit.  HM, of course - obviously! - fought this tooth and nail, having sent in the signed cell-phone document with the date covered up by liquid paper.  OP kindly supplied the Employment Office her original document, proving malicious deceit on HM's part, and that confirmatory e-mail, which demolished HM's fictitious timeline.

     Hooray!  Justice is served.  OP got full benefits, applied retroactively.

     But wait - it gets better.  HM had been hired into a position she was clearly unfit for, because a few months later the Servpro franchise closed permanently.  It transpires that the original office manager was right, they couldn't afford the gigantic warehouse, a salient fact HM never realised.  Or, if she understood, was too cowardly to bring to the owner's attention.  Ooopsie!

     Mobile phones.  Have as little to do with them as you can.

"The War Illustrated"

We've not had one of these for a while, so here's Issue 169, December 1943.  Art!

Dated 10/12/1943

     "The Little Sod With The Moustache" as he was known to inhabitants of the Sinister gulags.  The frankly nauseating fluff beneath Stalin's photograph lays the Sinister victories at his feet, when in fact it was the STAVKA who were responsible (the Sinister equivalent of a General Staff).  Except they knew better than to try and claim any glory, because they'd get gulaged if they were lucky and executed if not.  Stalin, after interfering disastrously with the conduct of war in 1941 and 1942, had learned to keep his sweaty paws off military operations.  Art!

     At upper port, you see Canadian troops in Campochiaro, about to deliver the good news via hand-grenade.  At upper starboard a British soldier is using his rifle left-handed in order to remain under cover and at bottom you can see a fighting patrol making it's way in Teano - note that all weapons are unslung and nobody's weighed down with a backpack.  Art!

A far less battered Teano today

Lord Peter's Very Crossword

It is, I have to tell you as one who regularly completes the M.E.N.'s Cryptic in 20 minutes or so.  Let's have today's - er - 'clue': "When you've guessed it, with one voice, You'll say it was a golden choice (2)."

     You'd get it eventually because there are only 676 possible combinations of the alphabet.  The answer is OR.

     No, not the word indicating that there is an alternative, remember Ol' Dotty used 'Golden' so this is in fact the French for 'Gold'.  She'd never stoop so low as to mean 'an alternative option exists'!  Art!

"The Sea Of Sand"

We've jumped back to the invading bio-vores, their leader simultaneously gloating yet puzzled at having laid hands on the TARDIS.

Uncomfortably aware that the aliens of this world did not have matter transmission technology, Icono immediately knew the artefact was important.  So, he brought it along.  It could be analysed at the Infiltration Complex.

          More good news awaited him when he returned to the HQ building; the trans-mat was operational once more, test packages having been successfully sent from Homeworld and back there.

          ‘Excellent!’  Which was mostly true.  Lord Excellency Sur might not appreciate the losses suffered by the Warriors under Icono’s leadership, and Evisceration might be on the horizon.  Only “might”.  With all the ingested life energies acquired from this planet’s fodder, over sixty of the surviving Warriors were budding.  A dozen new Warrior offspring, small and reedy yet, were being rehearsed and drilled.  So the losses weren’t as bad as seemed to begin with – or at least that’s how Icono hoped Lord Excellency Sur, would feel.

          He went to look at the artefact.

          ‘It has no openings in the outer shell, Leader,’ said a Warrior technician.  ‘A completely sealed unit.’

          The Technician’s posture, leaning backwards, expressed more surprise.

          ‘And?’

          ‘I’m not entirely sure of this, Leader, but we used an infrasonic generator to try and determine the artefact’s internal layout.’

     You can guess what comes next, because as any fule no, the TARDIS is as big as a skyscraper on the inside.

Finally -

Your Humble Scribe is back on the job market, which meant tickling up my CV to prove I've not been on holiday for the past three months, and looking for suitable jobs.  Unlike previously, I've been looking for work in Rochdale, because it's far easier to reach than Manchester; a mere ten minutes on the bus instead of perhaps an hour and a half if First are busy being Worst.  

     We shall see, we shall seee.