Bad Brains

"What Do You Mean, Conrad?  Surely Brains Are A Good Thing!"

I can hear your annoying high-pitched quibble.  No!  This is nothing to do with the South Canadian punk band, whom I don't think I've heard anything by.  I may pop over to Youtube later for a listen.

     ANYWAY it's not just the brain, it's who it's attached to.  Imagine the brain of <thinks> Richard Nixon, attached to the rest of him.  Actually that's a bit too controversial, imagine <thinks again> John Wayne's brains, but attached to the body of Audrey Hepburn -

"Howdy, Pilgrim," husked Audrey

     Hmmmmm this isn't really how I anticipated the Intro to go.  Dog Buns! that party in my mind going on 24/7 really makes it hard to concentrate.  Art!

     Kreplach! Still, I didn't specify anything so I'm to blame.  Art appears to have moved his crush from Mara Corday, who defines 'sultry', onto young Angela Lansbury.

     ANYWAY AGAIN BRAIN.  We have been whanging on about brains of late, so I wanted to bring in what has been described as one of the worst films ever made: "They Saved Hitler's Brain".  Art - relevant picture this time!

     Done on a budget that makes a shoe-thread look lavish, this bampot of a picture posits that as the Second Unpleasantness ended, a gang of fervent Nazis fled Europe for South America, bringing their beloved Fuhrer's decapitated head with them.  Some twenty years later they kidnap a scientist to transfer the brain into another body, and it all goes pear-shaped from there onwards.  hence today's title.  Art!

Herr Schickelgruber himself

     Your Humble Scribe is unaware of why they didn't just take the whole Fuhrer along, as transporting a disembodied head with it's necessary support equipment seems quite onerous.  No, don't tell me - It's In The Plot.  Conrad is pretty sure he saw this film back in the Eighties, when Channel 4 showed some of the worst films ever made.  There seemed to have been a flaw in the camera used for filming, or in the processing, because there's an annoying and persistent double blot that lasts for the whole film.

     The thing is ...

     Yes, it's a terrible film, but it's been so influential, because it's been referenced SO MANY TIMES in pop culture it's not true.  "The Simpsons" seemingly fell in love with it, they reference it so many times.  Art!

Why are they yellow?  WHY ARE THEY YELLOW!

     There's a storyline in "The Savage Dragon" that involves Hitler's brain taking over a gorilla and I think I've read that particular one, was it a cross-over with Hellboy?  Art!

     See?  I wasn't making it up.  The Dead Kennedys and Angry Samoans have both referenced the film in their songs.  I have also read the 'Flaming Carrot' comic edition that narrates how the Mystery Men tackle a problem created by "I Cloned Hitler's Feet", which is definitely a sentence you never expected to hear today.  Art!

     FYI FC is about a character who reads so many comic books his head turns into a flaming carrot.

     Having re-read that, I think it's time to move on.

You Couldn't Make It Up

And if you did people would say it was too far-fetched.

     As legend would have it, Donald J. Trump has the ability to fit both feet in his mouth, after having shot both of them.  His lawyers cringe in fear if he is required to give testimony because they can never be sure he'll stay on-script.

     Well, he is being sued by a journalist, one E. Jean Carroll, who is claiming that Citizen Trump did something so seedy to her that I cannot mention it here, as I still wish to remain SFW.  Allegedly this - er - encounter left her with physical evidence.  I leave it to your imagination to figure that out.  Art!

EJC in 1990

     Trump's defence is that 'She's not my type' and he refuses to submit any DNA as per EJC's legal request.  Why, it's almost as if he's got something to hide! However - and you knew that word was coming - when he was shown a photo of a woman, he identified her as Marla Maples, his first wife.  So - definitely his type.

     Except, of course - obviously! - it was E. Jean Carroll.

     At this point his lawyer, quivering with horror, points out to Citizen Trump that it's not his first wife, it's his accuser.  His comeback to this is not clear but it was probably a lot fiercer than "Dog Buns!"  Art!

     But hist!  There's more!  DJT was being sued in a parallel case for defamation by EJC, where he was legally protected by being Prez when he said his speech.  Now merely a private citizen, HE REPEATED EXACTLY THE SAME THING on social media.  Art!

"The Sea Of Sand"

The Doctor's fertile mind is plotting a little creative mayhem, with talk of flamethrowers and atomic bombs to his attentive audience, who are impressed if a little underskilled in the ways of the transuranic elements.

‘The enemy’s headquarters site will be very well guarded.  How can anyone get there with a bomb of any description?’ asked Dominione.

          ‘By air or a Trojan Horse,’ replied the Doctor.  Probably the latter method; the nearest airfield was over a hundred miles away to the west in Italian-occupied Libya.  The bio-vores might well drag those abandoned Sahariana’s back to their complex for recycling.  They’d never notice a little additional present aboard …

          The concept of killing several hundred intelligent beings took some internal wrestling for the Doctor to justify to himself.  Sarah also felt uneasy.

          ‘So you’re going to blow them up with an atom bomb?  Not like you, Doctor.’

          He sighed.

          ‘I know, Sarah, I know.  Negotiation, however, has not worked.  We’re fighting an evil system as much as it’s manifestation here.  Now, if I destroy that trans-mat platform, it means Earth is safe from invasion and occupation at the cost of several hundred bio-vores.  The longer it takes me to construct a weapon, the more bio-vores will come through that gateway and the greater the consequent death toll.  A weapon of last resort.’

          Sarah could see that the decision wasn’t an easy one.  She looked over the other members of the party, none of whom believed the Doctor could create such a device.  Even if they did believe they would inevitably insist it be used, the instant it was ready.

     There you go, he didn't just decide arbitrarily.

We Are Living In The Future

I say this every so often because it's true.  The James Webb Space Telescope, self-driving cars and Marinated Quorn Bites - all proof of my claim.

     ANYWAY those industrious, ingenious and diligent South Canadians, alongside the Swedes, have come up with another headache for Peter The Average.  Say hello to the Ground-Launched Small Diameter Bomb!  Art?

     The South Canadians have thousands of rocket motors and SDBs lying around, which they are now mating to form the GLSDB, which will be inevitably nicknamed "Gliderbs".  They are dirt cheap in military terms, at $40,000 each, with a range of 100 miles and a hefty 45 pound warhead.  And their CEP (jargon for 'accuracy') is one metre.  For $1,000,000 or the cost of a single ATACMS you can get 25 of these puppies.

     The warhead is only about 45% of that of a HIMARS, but if the Ukrainians use them to hit ammunition and petrol storage sites ...

     How do you like the future, Dimya?

Finally -

Here's a headline from the BBC.  Art!

     Can you imagine this happening to Peter The Average?

     One fondly imagines the civil servants responsible for the legal action would somehow fall out of windows or simply vanish, only to turn up as a POW in Ukraine.

     Yes I am being cruel to him.  And do you know what?  I don't care.