I Know That's Not A Word
If it makes it into the next edition of the Collins Concise Dictionary I want royalties, though.
Office parties. Conrad does his best to remain silent and sober at these events, because in vino veritas, and you can collect invaluable blackmail material be embarrassed if you blurt out that you think a colleague more resembles a land-travelling whale than a Hom. Sap. revealing truths better left unsaid. Art!
No, I have no idea either
Sooooo. Our Original Poster was leaving one such party venue when he noticed an extremely drunk female co-worker making hard work of walking and remaining upright. Being a well-raised gentleman he called her an Uber - cancel that, he requested her an Uber - as the previous sounds like a land-travelling whale imprecation, only for Very Drunk Lady to vomit as the car approached the kerb. Mister Uber - we shall assume maleness here so don't get all PC on me - didn't stop and thus OP offered VDL a lift home. Art!
Our hero
No good turn goes unpunished, of course, because a month later OP is called into a meeting with HR and his manager. They ask him what happened after the party? Baffled, OP cannot think of anything (Conrad's retort would have been along the lines of 'None of your effing business') until he remembers the lift he gave VDL. He's then suspended whilst they 'investigate'.
Not being dim and recognising a set-up when he sees one, OP hires a lawyer. They discover that HR and OP's boss had also interviewed VDL, asking all sorts of leading questions in a blatant attempt to drop OP into it. Art!
Yeah, into a pit of
The lawyer is a savvy chap and subpoenas CCTV footage from the club venue, which arrives and which OP realises is censored, with part of the image being blocked out. Lawyer does his lawyer-y stuff and they get the complete footage, which shows OP's manager lurking in frame. No sooner have OP and VDL left than Conniving Manager is on the phone to someone, and he then bullies another co-worker to complain about OP to HR (sorry if this is beginning to look like Attack Of The Acronyms).
It transpires that VDL is the ex-wife of CM's golf-partner, who was the person CM was calling, and whom expected CM to move heaven and earth to punish the pair of travellers. Plot twist!
What CM didn't know was that OP had internal cameras in his car., which recorded the whole uneventful journey. OP then contacts the owner of the business and informs him of what's been going on. The owner is, predictably, livid, and vows to carry out an investigation of his own.
A little disappointingly, that's where the tale ends as OP was under advisement from his lawyer not to reveal anything more. However, the owner did hint broadly that heads were going to roll and it's 100 to 1 that both CM and the co-worker who called in the complaint were fired. Dashcam-mounted justice and proof that golf messes up your mind.
Heh!
Lord Peter's Crossword
Don't whine, it doesn't become you. Look at all the lessons you're getting in classical literature and the Bible! All part of BOOJUM!s mission to educate you, one factoid at a time*.
So, for the 'clue': "Long since, at Nature's call, they let it drop, Thoughtlessly thoughtful for next year's crop (5)"
And the solution is GUANO.
It makes sense in retrospect. Incidentally, in "Doctor No" the novel, the titular doctor is killed when Our James drops a couple of tons of guano on him, since Crab Key exports the stuff as a fertiliser, which is why Ol' Dot mentions 'crop'. Just thought you'd like to know. Art!
Crab Key. Because guano is uncouth
Conrad: Still Seething, In Case You Were Wondering
Yes, I like to take my righteous rancour out for a walk every now and then. Of course - obviously!- we are talking about Codewords here. Honestly, I show a little mercy in not Remote Nuclear Detonating compilers for a few weeks and how do they respond? By taking the mickey. Here's why.
"EXCERTED": Well-read as I am, Conrad had never heard of this word before. Note, it is not EXERTED. Let me resort to my trusty Collins Concise. Hmmmm nothing there. O well, Google it is. Hmmmm still nothing. Conrad is beginning to wonder if this was a spelling mistake. Art!
Why not?
"INVEIGHS": Conrad is the only person he knows who uses this word. It baffled Janice, who is from Cameroon, and whom has an excellent English vocab. It means to speak in an offensive manner, so imagine BOOJUM! being read aloud to First Bus staff about how abysmal their pubic service is. Art!
"CHINTZ": This is something to do with fashion, isn't it? That's about all Conrad knows, as he has the fashion sense of a breeze-block. Let me consult the CC again. Hmmm, interesting: "a printed, patterened cotton fabric, with glazed finish". It comes from the Hindi 'Chint', meaning 'Gaily-coloured.' Art!
"The Sea Of Sand"
Our intrepid human band are sneaking back into the seemingly-abandoned supply depot at Mersa Martuba, only to encounter a bio-vore sentry ...
Tam whirled around, dropping to one knee, and emtpied a
whole magazine into the bio-vore. The
massive creature reeled under the impact of dozens of bullets, dropping it’s
gun, finally crashing to the ground.
Silently
witnessing the death of the bio-vore, the Doctor looked around but failed to
see Lieutenant Llewellyn. Tam and
Sergente Capriccio were reloading and taking cover.
‘Any others will come to investigate!’ warned
the Doctor. Zing! went a missile by his head, close enough to make his curls
shake. The object thudded into a crate
nearby, leaving no doubt that it possessed enough velocity to kill.
Pretending to be hit, the
Doctor dropped limply to the ground, suffering uncomfortable bruising from the
stones lying there. His plan was to
allow the bio-vore to get close enough –
‘It’s killed Doctor Smith!’
shouted Tam. A scrunching footstep warned
the possum-playing Doctor that his assailant was nearly upon him. Peering beneath half-closed eyelids, he saw
the torso of a bio-vore loom close.
Sitting up, he threw the contents of his jam-jar at the alien.
Petrol splashed everywhere,
including back onto the Doctor. Most of
the liquid assault ended up on the bio-vore, which froze in horrified
astonishment for a moment before shrieking loudly, running in a circle and
collapsing like a toppled tree.
‘Lord alive, I thought you’d
copped it!’ exclaimed a surprised and pleased Tam.
That makes two of us, Tam! It would have been a sadly-shortened fan-fic if that were the case, mind.
Finally -
We did have bright blue skies overhead when I began this blog. No longer. The clouds have rolled in and sunshine is a distant memory. Just as I like to take my righteous rancour for a walk, so too do I enjoy taking Edna for a trot - and she's just turned up whiffling across the carpet for any carelessly dropped food - as there are no distractions and my mind can both wander and wonder at the same time. If I'm taking her it ought to be soon as you can bet it will rain later.
* In addition to tearing First Bus a new one.
No comments:
Post a Comment