What A Load Of Bollards

Yes, This May Be Skating Close To The Edge

For anyone residing in This Sceptred Isle will immediately leap to the wrong conclusion, nodding sagely to themselves as to what Conrad really means.

     WRONG!  Your Humble Scribe really is talking about a set of supposedly traffic-calming or alleviating traffic bollards, based in Watford.  He came across a video montage compiled by the BBC, illustrating just how Dog Buns dangerous these 'safety measures' are.  Art!

NOT A STUNT DRIVER

     The fixed camera isn't the best illustrator of what keeps happening here, as it merely records yet another hapless motorist coming a cropper, their cars seeming to fly into the air and shatter apart, shedding windscreens and mirrors and entire wheels.  Art!

Still not a stunt driver

     The county council, who installed these bollards ten years ago, seem to be hand-in-hand with local vehicle repair businesses, for they aren't going to remove the bollards until the residents vote to get rid of them.  Originally they were put in place to prevent larger vehicles using the road, and they certainly did, as well as preventing normal-sized vehicles from using it, too.

<short pause as I go to collect my Double-Dog-In-The-Manger-Noodles>

Someone is going to be in trouble for this ...

     If all you witnessed were shots from this camera then you'd be pretty baffled as to how various cars and vans leapt into the air before even reaching these diabolic devices.  Ah, yes, well - Art!

      What you might call a bollard-launching ramp and a third set of impact-initiators, with two back-up pairs in case the first pair fail to cause mayhem .  I bet Extinction Rebellion camp out there with sacks of popcorn.

     Motley!  Take a note - when I take over, we shall offer the traffic and highways department of Hertfordshire County Council the chance to rule the roads.  Since Conrad will be using helicopters to travel, it will be a delicious dose of schadenfreude as they destroy Perfidious Albion's road and motorway network.  Tee hee!

Conrad Is SEETHING!

Mainly with himself, but also with those two joint emissaries of evil, First Bus and the MEN Codeword.  Back in the office today, you see, for the first time in months, and - what's this?  Why, I have missed the 409, as it goes on down the hill.  Never mind, Conrad, there's another one due in 10 minutes.

     Except not, as it goes flying past with the mocking legend "NOT SORRY NOT IN SERVICE" displayed on the front.  It it's not in service, why did it pull into the bus stop before mine? because I saw it do so.  If it's not in service, why is it even on the road?  Have First Bus finally dropped the mask of pretence and is now admitting that they not only don't like passengers, they won't carry them?

     <short pause for blood pressure to settle>

     Of course - obviously! - the next bus was late and rammed, thanks to all the extra passengers who were spurned by the NOT SORRY NOT IN SERVICE.  Art!

Bus lobotomy

      The Codeword?  Conrad managed to turn it into a right dog's dinner, convinced that BASIS couldn't possibly be the solution and it had to be LYSIS, and I was also watching "All Of Us Are Dead" which distracted me.  No matter how I plotted and prevaricated - I may also have pontificated - I could not solve anything with LYSIS, so I jumped in and - Art?

     All told, it took an hour to crack this one, three times longer than normal.  As proof that there's life in the old dog yet, I cracked today's Codeword in fifteen minutes.

Talking Of Which

Hmmm.  Conrad checked the Daily Beast today at lunchtime, since I like to keep up with the bonkers daily life of South Canada, and what do you know, they had an article extracted from a book about death by meteorite, which we're not going to talk about today.  Don't sulk, it's my blog and you'll just have to endure the torment.

     No, what furrowed my brow was an article about "All Of Us Are Dead".  Art!

     They think they're so clever in analysing how it's both a zombie horror film and a depiction of how horrid high school is, which is EXACTLY what Conrad said after seeing the first episode.  I suspect hacks at the DB are perusing BOOJUM! and gaining inspiration.  Just you wait until my starship invasion force arrives, just you wait ...

"The Kraken Wakes" And Fission Chips

You have to say it aloud to get the pun.  As I pointed out yesteryon, Ol' John Wyndham hadn't so much as an inkling that the South Canadians were experimenting with the forces of atomic fusion, an new nuclear frontier quantum levels beyond the humble fission bombs he used in the novel.  Nobody mentions a yield for the atomic depth charges used in TKW, so we can assume a modest twenty kilotons, or 20K.  Art!

     If the South Canadians had used a fusion warhead in those depth charges, the yield could well have been ten megatons, or FIVE HUNDRED times the puny atom bomb's yield.  The depth charging in TKW is ineffective, but what if Hom. Sap. had recourse to the really BIG nukes?  And here's a question for you, how would the shock wave from a submarine explosion of megaton size propagate?

     I have no idea either, it's just an interesting question - that we may come back to.  Art!

CAUTION!  Do not jolt, jostle, bump or knock

Ha!  No Escape For YOU!

I bet you were quietly patting yourself on the back, thinking you'd got away with it for today.  WRONG!  Here's the latest extract from our supernatural horror story "Tormentor".

‘Whether you call it an evil spirit or demon, the end result is the same, young man.  And in converse, the requirements for being able to control a spirit will blacken your soul.’

Thus not worth it.  not that he’d really wanted to know how.

‘Well, from what I’d read I thought you could dismiss most cases of possession as being mental illness.’

Father Geoghan tutted loudly.

‘Louis, Louis, you lack the grounding to deal with this ability.  Yes, a great deal of what used to be considered “possession” is the manifestation of mental disorders.  Not all.  A certain number are cases of what I call possession in the classical Catholic sense.’

‘How do you know which are which?’ asked Louis, ever-curious.

‘Ah, that’s quite the question, Louis.  How do you tell? That takes experience and skill.  Except for people like you, who can see beyond.’

Who never wanted the ability and don’t want it even now, mused Louis.

‘Why me?’ he asked.  ‘How come I can “see beyond” and not you?  You deserve it far more than me.’

The priest checked his watch.

‘You skeptics never stop asking questions, do you?  Why you, Louis?  I don’t know.  If you were able to find out the how, you might be able to stop the process developing.’

“Developing”?  Hang on a minute!

‘Develop?  You mean – well, what do you mean?’

Father Geoghan got up, stretching his legs.

‘I’m afraid I have to get going now, Louis.  By develop I mean that your ability will improve over time as you use and refine it.  Like anyone with a skill.’

Louis saw the priest out to the car park, being left with a stern instruction not to harm Eric Miller for fear of spiritual decay.  There were other questions he wanted answers to.  Yes, one way of answering them was to wade through the books on religion from the library.

     And with that we are well and truly done.  O yes indeed!