For It Protects Your Buttocks Bare
NO! you snivelling perverts - and you know who you are - you are not going to get a parade of naked nethers. Mind you, if Art can put down his bowl of coal and get us an illustration that remains SFW - Art!
Made out of Sprong™, that miracle material sufficient unto all you domestic and light engineering requirements, light, robust and most definitely proof against the teeth of the Coincidence Hydra*. For Lo! it has appeared again, snapping fruitlessly at Your Humble Scribe's posterior. Conrad suspects he's probably going to be rather stringy and tasteless, to be honest, yet let's not take chances, hmmmm?
Heh.
Fortunately for me, hydrae are not big on dentists, for obvious reasons - if you have over two hundred teeth, a visit to an orthodontist is going to be verrry expensive - so getting them diamond-tipped is out of the question.
ANYWAY the other night I was visited by said hydra, as I was perusing the Sork zombie horror drama "All Of Us Are Dead", Episode 8, and I paused it so I could work on my Cryptic crossword backlog**, as, alas, I cannot do both simultaneously. This is due to having the original dialogue instead of dubbing it into English <hack spit>.
Oooer Matron! What happens but this - Art!
8 Down: "An infatuation for a fruity drink (5)" - CRUSH. Now read the subtitles on the screen. What are the chances of that happening? Also note that Conrad has the English subtitles on whilst the cast speak Korean, so I'm picking up how to swear in Korean. Art!
Check out these potential survivors.
Motley! Put out the nets, I'm sure that was a trout swimming past the front window.
From Burpee To Vultee
This may take a while to make sense (as is frequently the case here), so let me explain. Anna - no consulting editor credits for you, sorry - posted that she had done 150 Burpees in 16 minutes, which sounds vaguely vulgar to the uninitiated (like myself) but which turned out to be a form of exercise. Art!
Sorry, but Four Legs Bad
Conrad came to a complete stop at this point, because in his corrupted memory-banks there was that entry about an aircraft, a "Consolidated Burpee", which didn't come up on any Google search, although I did find a Canuckistanian Flight Lieutenant James Burpee, crew member of 617 Squadron in "Operation Gomorrah", you know, the Dambusters Raid, which
ANYWAY I did track down an aircraft manufacturing company that called itself 'Consolidated -' yes yes yes, good start 'Vultee'. AHA! Art?
Their mighty Catalina flying-boat
Soooo this company resulted from the conglomeration of Consolidated and Vultee, who later found that title too much of a mouthful, so they shortened it to 'Convair'.
How 'Vultee' became 'Burpee' is ultimately un-knowable, and I say that as the person said memories belong to.
BOOJUM! Reviews Films
Yes it has been a long time since we flippantly excoriated Hollywood's attempts to please everyone including The Populous Dictatorship, partly thanks to a lack of travel by bus, as we here on the blog use them to generate content. The contemptuous desert of generalised venom is over!
"UNCHARTED": Talk about doing yourself down! This has to be a British film, only we would be so self-deprecating as to claim we're going to do dismally at the box-office. Or - perhaps it's a tax dodge, and the studio want to lose money? because they're a front for drug dealers, shady hedge funds and the gangster pals of Tsar Putin?
The legend cartographers used when territory was -
"CASANOVA": Always pleasant to see a documentary about astronomy. Conrad is unfamiliar with this term. I am aware that there's 'Nova', 'Supernova' and 'Hypernova', and since "Casa" is presumably Latin <hack spit> for "Home", I am judging that this concerns our own Sun turning nova, with the consequences that would follow. Hint: there wouldn't be anything left inside the orbit of Neptune. File under edifying yet grim. Art!
A Big Bang, yes; just not THE Big Bang
"MOONFALL": Ho hum. Let me guess, they blew up the Moon and the bits are going to land on Earth and kill everyone and everything? Been there done that, a.k.a. "The Umbrella Academy". OR let me guess, they blew up the Moon and the bits are going to land on Earth and kill nearly everyone and everything? Been there as well, got the autographed ticket and everything, a.k.a. "The Time Machine" (2002 iteration). Let me guess, the Moon is about to crash into the Earth and only a desperate attempt by a lone wolf and his lovely assistant can save the planet, because NASA and ESA et al are completely incompetent? Art!
Close enough, and probably a lot better
I think that's enough of making Hollywood suits squirm like hagfish.
Let's Throw Shades
As in 'shades' meaning 'ghosts', even if what we're talking about here are spirits, and not ones that come in one litre bottles. For Lo! it's back to "Tormentor"
Eric Miller cowered under the covers in his solitary
cell. He’d seen the ghost twice in the
prison already, once on the landing while he was being escorted there by
wardens, a pretty ginger-haired girl walking along the opposite landing,
walking right through a warden, turning to smile with a horrible, bright,
knowing grin.
The surprise caused him to trip and fall, after which
he refused to open his eyes. The wardens
called him all the names they could think of for such stupid behaviour. Eric didn’t care - he got to the cell without
seeing any more ghosts.
Inside the damp and smelly cell his housewarming
consisted of a rotting corpse sitting up on the bunk, turning it’s decomposing
face to him and making sounds that might, a long time ago, have been
words. The wardens needed to physically
force him to remain in the cell after that.
The ghost remained invisible after that. In fact Eric revised his opinion of the
ghost; it pulled the sheets off his bunk, pawed at his face and took delight in
moving the pathetically few possessions he’d brought with him. Ghosts couldn’t do that – this was a
poltergeist. Or a demon.
Invisible, but not silent. Oh no!
The thing that haunted him kept coming back after random times,
whispering in his ear or talking conversationally about how they were doomed to
be together for all time. No matter how
quickly he whirled around or waved his arms, the persistent and penetrating
voice continued.
Most frightening of all was his
interrupted sleep. When the lights went
out he was under the covers, not wanting to see that rotting horror facing him
in the dark. Despite paying nervous
attention to every single noise in the cell, he managed to drop off – only to
be woken up hours later by the feeling of drowning or asphyxiation.
After a brief moment of
disorientation he realised that a large object now sat on his chest. He could hear it breathing.
Eric shut his eyes and pretended
he was still asleep.
It didn't work for Luma, Eric, and it's not going to work for you. O no!
Finally -
It's been raining for the past five hours and I don't want to walk swim Edna in this, so here's hoping it stops before dark.
* We've not mentioned Sprong in an age, so here we are revisiting it. O nostalgia.
** It may sound like a first-world problem to you, it's a near-crisis to me.
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