As You Should Surely Know By Now
Your Humble Scribe delights in finding ways where real life imitates art, usually via film or television. And today he's just been reading an item on "The Daily Beast" that refers to this phenomenon, which had him chortling with glee.
Okay, time to revisit "Armageddon", the critically-panned and artistically inferior of the two Earth-In-Peril-From-Celestial-Object-Inbound films released that year*. 1998, which makes it pretty old, and unfortunately YOU all went to see it at the cinemas, because it totalled in excess of £400 million at the box office. Art!
You don't need the title as well, do you?
To urinate on their chips, Conrad would like to point out there are no stray asteroids 'the size of Texas' about to slam into Planet Earth; we know the orbits of all the largest asteroids and none are about to pay us a call before
ANYWAY there is a lot of ooohing and aaaahing amongst the wild and crazy maverick crew when William Fichtner's character pulls a gun on them. I believe the quote is "Who brings a gun into space?**" Art!
Okay, it's hugely unwise to have a projectile-spitting weapon capable of PIERCING YOUR SPACECRAFT WALLS being toted so casually. Also, that entitled outrage at a soldier daring to carry a weapon? Hmmm I don't think so. Art!
Take note of the ROTARY ACTION CANNON there. Who brings a gun to space? You do, baby!
Yes yes yes, I'm getting there, just be patient. So, Rockhound, as played by The Buscemi, has a remote-control that activates said rotary-action cannon, which he activates for no other reason than he likes seeing guns firing, or because he's gone completely round the bend. On reflection, definitely the latter. You then have the immortal lines:
Colonel William Sharp: This is insane.
Harry Stamper: [to Rockhound] Have you lost your mind?
Colonel William Sharp: He's got space dementia.
Ah, that Colonel, you can't fool him, perceptive chap, you could almost say he's - which ends with Rockhound duct-taped into a chair to immobilise him. Can you blame the man for pressing the Big Red Shiny button? and what did they need a modern-day Gatling gun for, hostile natives?
Cause Effect
"Space dementia". I see. You can tell a Michael Bay film because there will be lots of orange filter, groups of men walking in slow motion towards the camera, and silly script moments like this. They probably got their astronomical information from that episode of "The Ren And Stimpy Show", you know the one from 1991 -
"Space Madness"
Well now, what did the Beast article have to say? Only that studies have shown long periods in micro-gravity cause physical and metabolic changes to the astronauts involved. Typically these conditions revert to baseline when the sky-surfers return back to Earth - except for certain micro-structures in the brain. Some changes - a few, it is true - do NOT revert back, in areas like the cerebellum and scattered white matter. This area of medical research has just begun, so it's too early yet to say if these changes are benign, beneficial, neutral or negative.
But it is one step closer to genuine SPACE MADNESS!
Meanwhile, At The Urals ...
I refer, of course - obviously! - to Lazerpig's hilarious AND VERY NSFW analysis of the T34, that mythic Sinister-era tank that was nowhere near as mythic or even legendary as Tsar Putin would have you believe. Art!
Part of the problem lay not merely with the design - all that sloped armour made it incredibly cramped for the hapless crew - but the production. You see above Factory 183 making T34 en masse, and, typical of Sinister production, they had norms and quotas to fulfill. Quality Assurance? There is no such phrase in Russian, they simply churned out the tanks as fast as possible in order not to enjoy extended holiday time in a gulag. Welding quality was abysmal, so bad that there were often gaps in the armour, which is not what you want in a tank. "Extra ventilation" will not wash. Factory 183 (Sinister's lack of naming factories duly noted) was one of the major suppliers of these tracked lemons.
We shall definitely come back to this, it makes Dimya cry.
Hanky for Dimya!
Whilst On The Theme Of Torment -
Yes, another extract from "Tormentor". Here we have Luma being lectured by a school-teacher, of sorts.
‘Okay,
I’m smart. We both know that. What are you here for?’
The spirit looked down his nose.
‘A little education, Mister
McMahon. I warned you about Morgan. He and others of his ilk will eventually
cross your path.’
“Ilk”? wondered Louis. Who on earth uses words like “ilk” when they
talk?
‘Morgan. The bad guy.
Why didn’t Jen mention him?’
The spirit sighed.
‘Your companion’s charming
naievety was a result of her only being present as a spirit for mere
weeks. Didn’t Marjory mention him?’
‘Not by name, no. She talked about – hah! – evil spirits. The spirits of people who had been evil in
life.’
The spirit got up and walked to
and fro across the room. If a supernatural
entity could be said to be agitated, he was agitated.
‘Quite true. Morgan is a spirit you can most definitely
class as “evil”. His origins are
uncertain, but go back to the Thirty Years War.’
Once again a spirit allusion that
left Louis in the dark.
‘What do they teach in classrooms
nowadays! The Thirty Years War, from
Sixteen
1648. The date scampered around Louis’s head for a moment.
‘What! He’s
been around for over three hundred years!’
Another snooty look from the spirit.
‘I myself have, as you put it, “been around” since
Stop being so b***** pedantic and get on with it,
then! thought Louis. Openly, he nodded.
‘We believe that Morgan’s body perished during the
war, and that his spirit remained earth-bound by intent. At heart he is a coward, fearing to move on
and take the next step. He would rather
cling to the half-life he has as a spirit here, than risk moving on. I say “risk” but that is a misnomer; given
his conduct there is no doubt as to where his final destination will be.’
The Hot Place!
Hark To A Shark
Yes, back to the Underwater Photograph of the Year, and the British award goes to one Matty Smith, who got an eye-catching picture of a Great White down under. Art!
Lest you think Matty was being careless, he took this shot using a long carbon pole, with a protective plastic bubble around the camera to protect it from being bitten. According to him, the sharks loved loved loved the plastic bubble and took turns biting it. Art!
Matt with hat
(And kit. Which does not rhyme with 'Matt')
Finally -
Another disgustrous day. After yesterday's heavy snow, which rapidly turned to slush and then melted completely, today we have torrential rain. Not as dramatic as having a tree fall on your house or local power lines, noooooo nothing like that, just dismal dreariness. I bet it was on a day like this in the seventeenth century when my ancestors got together and decided 'Enough of this, let's go and invade where it's hot, dry and sunny' and hence the British Empire was born. Go on, prove me wrong!
* T'other one being "Deep Impact"
** Ruffian cosmonauts, for one.
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