Read This Blog - Or The Puppy Dies!

This Might Attract Unwelcome Attention

So I shall go ahead right now and explain that it's not Conrad who's going to devour the little chap, it's one of those antediluvian sets of fangs on legs, an alligator.  I regaled you with the sad story yesterday of the nail technician who tried to pet one, which promptly killed her; today we have a tale of epic heroism, a dastardly villain, a cute puppy and a happy ending.

Buddy

     However, we cannot simply begin with things in a linear and logical <spits> manner, for this is BOOJUM!  Art!

Coulrophobics beware.  Especially small ones aged under ten.
(Plus a lot of grown-ups, too)

     You see, over the past few nights I've been listening to The Dickies, those long-in-the-tooth (TEETH!  TEETH!  NOT FANGS!) pop-punks from California, notably their second album and by mysterious means I also discovered that they did the title track from that horror-comedy sci-fi extravaganza "Killer Klowns From Outer Space" and jolly catchy stuff it is too*.

Die laughing?

    Truly, there is little more unsettling than a clown out of context.  Unless it's two.  Be honest, if you encountered two clowns openly walking down the high street, you'd duck into the nearest shop and put up the "Closed" sign, wouldn't you? 
     You might also manifest the same response to meeting an alligator waddling down the high street - that should probably be "the main drag" because we have things so well-ordered here in Perfidious Albion that our largest carnivore is the badger, whom is cute and cuddly, unlike the South Canadian equivalent <Would that save Conrad we wonder as he appears to be mostly chicken - the unpleasant truth courtesy Mister Hand!>.  

     So, co-existing with alligators is a fact of life in Southern South Canada, where you need to take a gun to go swimming in some rivers - those 'logs' ain't logs, pal.  Art!

No!  Not English ballfoot fans - alligators¬

     That's Richard on the left, who was taking their puppy Buddy for a walk one day, and Buddy appears to be a Cavalier King Charles with Blenheim markings, for your information**.  Richard was escorting his puppy alongside a water feature, when one of the 'branches' suddenly came to life and snatched the pup into the waters.

     That's Rich pulling the alligator's jaws open and Buddy dashing for freedom with only a single fang mark to show for his ordeal.  No, it's a young alligator only a few feet long, but it could still take a chunk out of you and I don't see you getting in there to help Rich.

     My point?  That alligators are greedy, dangerous and possessors of very bad eyesight whom can easily mistake a human or dog for dinner.  

He loves children.

     There is a theory I've read somewhere that alligators have tremendously strong muscles that close their champing jaws, yet incredibly weak ones that open them, and now, with a saddle and a pair of stout leather gloves, the Motley is about to test this theory!

Meanwhile, Back In 1470

Sir Thomas Malory completed his epic romance "La Mort D'Arthur", because all the upper classes used French rather than English, which was seen as a base and common Saxon affectation.  Mind you, the M8s across the Channel in France proper sneered at the peculiar Anglo-French use by said aristocracy.  Art!

     

     Sir Tom hobbled off this mortal coil in 1471, so he didn't see his work become a whacking big success thanks to William Caxton in 1485.  Ol' Bill, you see, had this handy thing called a 'Printing Press', which tyrants and despots the world o'er have been gnashing their teeth about for the past 5 centuries.

     The edition I have dates from 1993 and the text is in Modern English.  As already mentioned, it is 800 pages in length and Your Humble Scribe is only on Page 5, where Arthur has just been born.  More about the plots anon.

Tintagel Castle, as featured.

Isthmussing About

If you were to look down on Tintagel from above, then it might, at a pinch, be defined as lying on one side of an isthmus, which is a slightly tenuous connection to make, see if I care.  Art?

     We shall now fast-forward in time to 1941, when Perfidious Albion had stuck it's oar into the Hellenic Republic's (or was it a Kingdom still?) martial business, since the previous Italian tourists with tanks had been replaced by Teuton ones, who also brought their own air transport.  These carried paratroopers, not day trippers, lest you be unaware.  Art!

     You can see that, to invade the Peloponnese, the Teutons had to cross the Isthmus of Corinth, which had been completely divided in two by the Corinth Canal, and which was crossed by a single bridge.  The British had withdrawn across the Canal (we like to say "withdrawn" and not "retreated") and had the bridge primed for explosive demolition, when -

     

The party-crashers arrived

     They seized the north end of the bridge, paused only to high-five each other and then tried to move across it to sort out the irritating British defenders, at which point, this being Greece, Hubris woke up with a headache and decided to do some smiting.  

Oooops.

     The consensus is that a British shell hit the demolition charges still on the bridge, which gave up the ghost and fell into the Canal.  The Teutons were thus prevented from pursuing the retreat withdrawal any further, which is one of the outcomes of fighting over an isthmus.

Darwin Award Aspirants

If you been reading the blog over the past few months then you know BOOJUM! has featured stories of staggering stupidity on the part of Hom. Sap. frequently involving power tools and alcohol.  In case you are unfamiliar with wine or beer, they ought not to be consumed before operating machinery, especially machinery with SHARP CUTTING EDGES.  

     However, sheer idiocy can substitute for alcohol.  I present to you "Chainsaws Up Ladders: What Can Possibly Go Wrong?"

     I would call this the triumph of optimism over gravity and physics.  Note how our hero's Personal Protective Equipment amounts to - er - a cap.  And that he's got that chainsaw wielded dangerously above his head, single-handedly because he needs his other hand to maintain balance.

     Here we see the tree trunk begin to topple, as gravity takes hold.  However, our hero has not cut completely through the trunk, merely to a sufficient depth for gravity to take hold, which means this ten-foot half-ton piece of lumber is still partially connected.

     Like the David Bowie song, it keeps on swinging.  Swing swing swing! thanks to retaining a connection.

     Ballistics and kinetic energy provide a stern lesson in applied physics.  Keep an eye on that chainsaw.

     Unlike some of the other victims of their own amateur status, this bloke can get up afterwards, without having been in intimate contact with his chainsaw.  The trick is to cut a notch opposite to where you make your main cut, which means the trunk or branch breaks cleanly off instead of whipping around and smiting people hip and thigh.

     

Finally -

That was a bit grim, wasn't it?  Let us lighten the mood with an humourous cartoon.  Art!

     NOOOOOOOOOOO!

*  It made me laugh, which is what matters.

**  Don't get cute.  Conrad still not  a dog person.