Resident Weevil

 NO! That Is Not A Typo

It is an hilarious pun I'll have you know.  For your information we are assuming that weevils are the kind of beetles that gnaw holes into various foodstuffs, as otherwise the joke won't work.  If you are an entomologist and disagree then THE EXIT DOOR IS THAT WAY!  Art?

     The thing that I wanted to get across is that these things bore holes into various plants.  Got that?  Boring.

     Okay, we now move onto the meat of the matter (sorry vegans), which is a series of films that were, at least to begin with, based on a computer game I've never played called "Resident Evil".  Your Humble Scribe was inspired to do a little review by The Critical Drinker doing his drunken best, shooting down RE3's recent remake in sterling style.  

      Here a confession.  Conrad has seen the original film, and only remembers Colin Salmon's character getting laser-diced into soggy squishy chunks.  I think I've seen two others, where there were zombies in Las Vegas (I could be wrong here, it's been a while) and a ship?  Art?

One way to escape really, really keen autograph hunters.

     There were 6 films in the series altogether, which means enough of you were watching them to allow the studios to keep making them.  Bad viewers!  Naughty viewers!  No gravy on the sausages for you*!
     Of course - obviously! - Conrad cannot leave it there.  O no.  I had to go and do some number-crunching for a table, which we haven't done for probably years.  So here it is.

TITLE & DATE                         BUDGET                     BOX OFFICE

Resident Evil 2002                    £25 million                  £73 million

RE: Apocalypse 2004                £35 million                   £99 million

RE: Extinction 2007                  £35 million                   £113 million

RE: Afterlife 2010                     £46 million                   £230 million

RE: Retribution 2012                 £50 million                   £184 million

RE: The Final Chapter** 2016    £30 million                   £240 million       

Not sure what this is, but it's dental bill must be enormous

     There was supposed to be a television series, and has been for over a year and a half, with nothing seen yet.  Quite what else they can throw at us after at least 9 hours of film remains to be seen, and Conrad is not remotely curious.

     You may be wondering why the film series finished in 2016, when there was clearly a demand from audiences BAD AUDIENCES! and the shekels were still rolling in WICKED SHEKELS! and Your Humble Scribe thinks the answer may be in those dates SINISTE - no, actually dates are nice and they start appearing in supermarkets now in time for Christmas.  When RE started, Milla Jovovich was a mere 27; by the time shooting wrapped on the last one, she was 40, hence no spring chicken, and in a role that requires little acting chops but a whole lot of physical exertion, she probably felt it was time to retire gracefully.  Art?

Milla then and Milla now.

     The RE franchise is indeed a popcorn one; except the popcorn is stale, has neither sweet nor savoury flavours and has been scooped up from the cinema floor at evening's end.  As I said, Boring.  Hence today's title.

We will now move swiftly along ...

Angouleme

Another of those words that pop up in my mind for no good reason, except this one may actually have a reason.  Which will be a first.

     Okay, it's a town, first of all, not an eighteenth-century mathematical brass instrument for measuring declination and azimuth (which is not to be confused with Asimov, Isaac).  Art?

         

                    Azimov                                                                                     Azimuth

     It is a town in the south-west of France, located overlooking the River Charente, and is in fact the capital of the Charente region.  There are ancient stone things to gawk and wonder at, and doubtless a lot of restaurants that serve excellent food and wine (a bit of a given in France), but Conrad learned today that it proudly boasts -

     - a Comic Strip Museum!

     I can only think that I've read about this somewhere previously, for as you ought to know Conrad is still, at 59, reading comics, and the probability that I've seen and forgotten until today cannot be ruled out.

    So, one day, one day ..... <muses thoughtfully>

"Crepuscular"

This one popped up right after "Angouleme".  It derives from the Latin for "Dark", which is "Creper", and thence "Crepusculum", meaning "Dusk".  It applies to creatures that are active just before dawn or at dusk, in twilight conditions.  Art?

ART!
<sounds of industrial-strength Tazer being charged>

                                 

                                      <five minutes of silence ensue>

     Right!  Let's try that again, shall we?  "Crepuscular".

Much better!

     O stop whining, Art.  Go put some goosegrease on them, once they stop smoking***.

A Tempest In A Thimble

There are those who castigate NASA and ESA for daring to explore beyond this world, begrudging them their budgets, whilst blithely squandering tens of billions on men kicking a pig's bladder around some grass.  Yes, I mean the ballfoot game.

     Well, the sabre-tooth tiger is amongst the vampire cassowaries now, for the BBC's sports webpage had a proposal that the Premium Lager be savagely curtailed down to 18 clubs.  Yes, a mere 18!  Conrad is unsure how many there are now - perhaps I'd better go check?  Hang on, please - 

     20.  Aha.  I see.

     No, actually I don't.  Art?

     There were rapidly 2,615 comments on this proposal, all within the space of a couple of hours.  The supporters of various clubs were throwing statistics (and the usual insults) around, going back 140 years to make their points.  The long and the short of it is that nobody wants their team to be the one that gets the chop, whilst being quite happy to suggest which other team gets axed.

     Good lord aloft, what it the proposal had been to reduce it to <gasps of horror> 16 teams!  There'd be revolution and blood running ankle deep in the gutters.

Finally -

Ah memory (the responsibility here of Oscar) - Conrad was trying to remember the title of a series of collectible cards he witnessed way back when he was about 10, with no luck.  I can't remember much about them, either, only that one featured two chaps at the bottom of a well (perhaps) with a monster's head looming over the top, peering down at them.  Another featured a pair of blobby-looking beasts, clearly monsters or aliens, oozing forward over the landscape.

     They seemed to be rather scary in nature, not exactly the kind of thing parents would like their offspring to be collecting since they were obviously nightmare fuel for young and impressionable minds <sigh> if only my mind had been like that.

"Karl was extremely bitter about erosion affecting his property's value"

     I can't find anything remotely like them, so you'll just have to make do with the above, and imagine it as a trading card.

     Then there was the "Thunderbirds" colouring book ...

     And with that, we are so very done!

*  Yes, Conrad did watch some.  No, the studio did not get a penny from me.  Draw your own conclusion, we here at BOOJUM! cannot possibly comment.

**  Hooray!

***  We meant the patches of scorched skin, and are not responsible for what your disgusting imagination conjured up.