The Sardine Tin Of DEATH!

That's Deadly Death, Mind You -

 - none of this namby-pamby Laid-On-Lightly-Death that occurs so frequently in Marvel and DC comics, where the Hero/Heroine, who had been sorrowfully laid to rest in a marble sepulchre, mourned by millions, suddenly enters from Stage Left, as full of life as a Trill budgie.

     I believe it was Brigadier Alistair Gordon Lethbridge-Stewart (late of the Scots Guards) who - excuse me? - what is a "Trill budgie"?

     Morecambe and Wise, how soon they forget.  Art!

Budgie food, folks

     The advert had a tagline: "Makes budgies bounce with health!", which Eric Morecambe spoofed by repeating the line and bouncing a rubber budgie off the stage.

A man who could be funny by simply standing still.

     Are we now up to speed and enlightened?  Budgies?  Bird food?  British comedians?

     AS I WAS SAYING, the Brigadier was wont to describe armoured personnel carriers as "Sardine Tins", principally because his experience with tracked vehicles was restricted to the M3 half-track and Kangaroos.  Art?

<sighs heavily>

     Excuse me whilst I go power up the Anti-Tank Tazer -

     Ah, the piker can manage when impelled by 125 million volts.

     Anyway, this is only tangentially related to today's titular topic, that of the Killer Sardine Tin, because once again we are back on the subject of Armoured Personnel Carriers.

     Yes, Brig, I know you can bale out of those older models if things go awry - O look a flying saucer! - over there - way over there - in the next county -

     Ah, The Brig.  I love him like a brother, but he is a bit set in his ways.  Nothing of military interest happened after the Korean War, according to him.

     Right!  The M113.  This is an armoured personnel carrier from the shores of South Canada.  Art?  O stop whining and stand under the shower!

The M113 sardine can

     This bears a suspiciously close resemblance to the FV432, so someone somewhere has been was inspired by the original plagiarising.  The commonality in design is a result of their commonality of purpose: a metal box on tracks that can carry a complement of Mendaciously Mobilised Murderous Military Meatbags, Militated by a Machine-gun Mount.*
     These things were produced in the tens of thousands, because the design is pretty basic; an armoured box on tracks.  The South Canadians, being well-off in the way of kit, used to festoon all sorts of gubbins on their <ahem> "tracks".  Art?

Perhaps "Gubbins" is a tad dismissive.

      That above has now become a light tank, albeit one that can carry an infantry section.

CAUTION!  Will not whisk eggs

     Somewhat bizarrely, the M113 was developed, not by a sinister military conglomerate as you would surely expect, but by the Bean Spray Pump Company, who by 1962 had metamorphosed into the Food Machinery Corporation.
     Time to whiz the blindfolded motley face-down head-first with it's claws tied behind it's back on the 1 kilometre waterslide!

Before I Quit "Martin Chuzzlewit"

I've been reading the damn thing for weeks, so YES, I am going to exploit it for all it's worth and get some payback from it.
     Ol' Chas (the author Charles Dickens, do keep up!) makes brief mention in the text of the "Upas tree", which your humble scribe thought he'd heard of before.  Chas implies that the Upas tree is of legendary toxicity; a quick browse over on the "Poison Garden" blog confirms that "legendary" is an appropriate noun, as the Upas tree is nowhere near as deadly as myth has it.  Art?

The mythical trope

     Supposedly, merely breathing in the air near an Upas tree was enough to make you depart this mortal coil with dazzling speed.  The poisonous sap was harvested by felons condemned to death, who were free to go if they survived the process.  And so on.
     The tree's Latin name is Antiaris Toxicaria.  Art?

Doesn't look that deadly, does it?

     Whilst you are not at risk from mortal coil-shuffling merely from looking at this, the sap of this toxic tree is extremely dangerous, being as it is hotching with poisons that will stop your heart like that <snaps fingers>.
     So, as long as that fancy to go chewing the bark off it can be resisted, you're quite safe.

     Thank you for your input, Chas.  Now - oh, I dunno, go write about Christmas or crickets or something.
A Brief Nod Of The Head To The Coincidence Hydra AGAIN
Yes, really.  There I was, hanging out at The Flop House on Facebook, kibitzing,** and I went to bat for Royksopp, those loveable Norwegian electronic scamps.  My assertion is that they have improved over time, and I recommended their last album "The Inevitable End" as an example to a fellow Flopper (which is what we call ourselves).

Thus

     Shortly thereafter, I switch to Twitter, and Lo!  There is Chris Fowler, author of the "Bryant and May" murder mystery novels, talking about his current favourite track, which is "Monument", by -

     Royksopp.

      Really, what are the chances of
     DON'T SNEAK UP LIKE THAT WHEN THE UNIVERSE IS CONSPIRING AGAINST ME!

Yet More Coincidences
"Balphagor", I pondered, being a pondery kind of mood last night.  "What is it and is it edible?"***
     Thank you, Steve, for generating more bewildering wibble.  One quick search of Google later, we find -
     "Belphagor":  one of the seven princes of Hell, who seduces men (and women, too, presumably, as Hell ought to be an equal-opportunity environment by now) by suggesting how to get rich quickly, via ingenious devices.

Proof positive of Belphagor's existence

     Hmmm.  Conrad cannot quite see what the downside to this temptation is.  Having earned a vast fortune, subsequently living a life of ease, perpetually sipping cocktails (bar the pina colada, for it is made with the Devil's Own Pinecone or Pineapple) on your very own tropical island?  What's so terrible about that?

Oh. 

     Ah.  I see - that darkening on the horizon is a hurricane.  Time to get to the storm cellar!
     Ah.  I see.  Due to a high water-table there is no cellar.  Time to get to the chopper -
     Ah.  I see.  No fuel.  The fuel is due to be delivered by ship tomorrow.  Okay, the speedboat, then!
     Ah.  It sank at it's moorings.  Call the coastguard for help in being evacuated?
     Ah.  No phone signal in such an isolated spot.
     Okay, okay, I can see them vampire chickens coming in to roost.

Chin chin!

 

*  Though I bet the M113 doesn't have a Boiling Vessel, hah!
**  I think.  South Canadian argot a bit impenetrable at times.
***  The first question to be asked, obviously.