I Know What You'd Imagine
BECAUSE I AM CLEVER not because of the DARPA Telepathy Helmet, which I keep telling you, I gave back years ago, and y
I've retro-fitted this illo in because - tinned ham is not very thrilling to the eye
ANYWAY you could be forgiven for thinking Conrad was thinking along the lines of such as this. Art!
I have a small tin of Pek in my side of the kitchen cupboards, there in case I decide to make the 'Sheffield Stew' as originated by Mr. Crawley. My version last night included remaindered mushrooms, sour cream and a tub of remaindered cheese sauce, and jolly filling it was, too.
ANYWAY AGAIN of course - obviously - that's not what I meant. Art!
So, caravans.
Let us now assemble the cast for this domestic drama: Caravan-Owning Narrator, hereafter CON; his Ridiculously Entitled Bottomhole In Laws, hereafter REBILs, and his Typically Angry Nephew Teen, hereafter TANT.
REBILs had, so they said, fallen on hard times due to COVID, and could only afford to rent a single room in a house. This was supposed to be 'temporary' and 'until we get back on our feet' and 'soon' and other platitudes that went on for two years. Stick a pin in this, we'll come back to it. Therefore, under these circumstances, in Entitled Maths And Logic, this meant that CON had to give them the caravan, so TANT could live in it. Art!
CON refused point blank. Not only was the caravan his, it was worth a lot of money, he'd spent time renovating it and TANT was notoriously destructive of other people's property. Also, he used it several times a year to go camping. Also, he has gated access to his back yard, where the caravan is, and security cameras, too, which the REBILs were informed about. Just to be clear. This is because the REBILs turned up when CON was out, driving an SUV, which - by amazing coincidence! - can tow campers. CON's wife refused them access. Art!
Yes, a tent would have been a cheap alternative. No, the REBILs refused to countenance this. Camper or nothing!
CON explained it was going to be nothing. He showed the REBILs his posts on Reddit, and the replies, and they backed off about their NEEDS, still seething about it, mind. CON himself gave them $100 to get a tent for their nephew, and donated camping furniture, and he got set up quite comfortably in the back yard, having electricity supplied via an extension cable.
All was well. Right?
Alas, no. All was going so badly wrong it made pear-shaped look attractive and elegant.
You see, the landlord of the room they were renting went into the room one day, motive unknown but possibly out of well-founded suspicion, and found their stash of heroin and needles and other injectable gear that junkies use.
INSTANT EVICTION!
This is the guilty secret they were hiding about 'getting back on their feet' and why they were no further forward after two years.
However - O my favourite word! - being REBILs, and having entitlement ooze from their every pore, they refused to leave, got handsy with the landlord and locked themselves in their room. Cue arrival of police, landlord handing over security camera footage and both being arrested.
TANT was disproving his name during all this by being absorbed in gaming in the backyard tent.
So, CON was suddenly the legal guardian as TANT was only 15 when his parents got arrested, and looked into adoption, since it looked likely his junkie parents were going to be in jail until long after he was 18. TANT moved his tent into CON's backyard, despite being given the attic as a room - he preferred his own 'house'. Art!
CON, proving considerably softer than one might expect, bought a mini-fridge for the tent, and had the REBILs sign over their SUV so that TANT could have it once he turned 18. To quote CON "He's shown more improvement in a couple of months than in the previous three years" which might have something to do with no longer having a pair of drug habits for parents.
Who were either going to abscond with the caravan, or sell it for cash to get money for exotic chemicals.
This is a contemporary equivalent, the GBU-57. Note that it is more compact than Grand Slam, yet it clocks in at 14,000 kilos, so substantially heavier. This is due to the casing, which is where most of the mass is concentrated, whereas with Granny the explosive content was much higher. The '57 is, very obviously, more accurate, using GPS to hit targets with pin-point-of-a-pin-point precision. As with Granny, there is only one bomber big enough to carry a pair of these puppies, the B1 Stealth. Art!
Someone down below is going to have a very, very bad day.
"The War Illustrated Edition 209 22nd June 1945"
Back to the middle page retrospective montage, which had reached 1944 if I recall correctly. Art!
One of the better-remembered events of the latter Second Unpleasantness. Rather than bang on about the day itself, I would like to point out what absolute air supremacy meant to the Allies: being able to land under a gigantic aerial umbrella of 12,000 aircraft with the Luftwaffe's response being so feeble it might as well not have been carried out. For the Teutons, an illustrative example would be the travels of 1st SS Panzer Corps, which was mustered in The Ukraine (as it was known then) on 6th June 1944. They were railroaded across Europe to the French border with no bother; it then took them longer to cover the distance from the border to Normandy than it had to reach France, thanks to Allied air power incessantly interfering with rail movement. For the Sinisters, they waited 16 days after D-Day, allowing the Teutons to send West anything they could spare, and then attacked on June 22nd. An anniversary, of sorts. Art!
Who's Next?
Number four in the Metro's recommended list of 10 zombie films you need to watch before or after '28 Years Later'. Conrad is three for three so far. Art!
Hmmm no I've not seen this one, and hadn't even heard of it. From the sound of the Metro's synopsis, it's a contemporary Japanese zombie film, about a talentless hack director, crew and cast, heading to a Second Unpleasantness location to shoot a low budget zombie film. Then the real undead things turn up -
Count me in!
An Update
One of the more surprising news updates I get on my MSN feed comes from the "Daily Express", which is a right-wing mass-market tabloid for people less snobby than the ones who read the "Daily Mail". What's surprising? The frequency and freshness of news about the glooms of Mordorvia. Art!
Business Insider reports that Russia's Finance Ministry shows the liquid assets in the nation's National Wealth Fund stood at 2.8 trillion roubles, or around £26 billion, in May. Calculations by Bloomberg show that's down 68% since the start of the Ukraine War. And for ordinary Russians, the price of a kilogram of potatoes, know locally as "second bread" because of their use as a staple, has soared from 60 rubles in January to an average of 100 rubles today.
Conrad is beginning to wonder how truthful or accurate those NWF figures are, since they've been at £26 billion, or $35 billion, for almost a year now. The Ruffians not being honest, who knew!
Congratulations to Putinpot: the potato is now a luxury food item for the orc hordes <insert bad taste joke about cannibalism here>.
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