Warren's Commission

I Am Going Out On A Limb Here

Forsooth, most of you won't know what I am making a cryptic reference to, unless you are old, paranoid, into the minutiae of South Canadian politics or all three combined.  In which case you are our kind of reader!  Art?

     The Warren Commission was established by Prez Johnson to look into the assassination of JFK, and has been scornfully rejected by swivel-eyed loonwaffles ever since, who believe that the only real qualifications you need to find The Truth are to live in your parent's basement and to wear a tinfoil hat.

     ANYWAY, as you can perhaps tell from the title, this Intro is not about the Warren Commission, but instead about Warren's commission, when the Warren in question is not a Supreme Court Justice, but the singer-songwriter Mr. Zevon.  You see, he wrote lots of songs that were covered by other people, which I am going to call commissions, because whose blog is it?  Art!

How to strangle cats the Warren Zevon way!

     Warren's dad was a character in his own right, so we shall, of course - obviously! - ignore him and instead move on to one of Warren's songs.  You see, Ol' Warry had a very mordant and sardonic sense of humour; he and Conrad would have gotten on splendidly.  "Send Lawyers, Guns And Money" encapsulates his musical ethos in five words.

     Thus, those words that all musos dread: A Little Musical Critique.  Can't hurt Warry, he's been dead these 23 years.  Today we are examining "Roland The Headless Thompson Gunner".

Roland was a warrior from the Land of the Midnight Sun

Norwegian, actually

With a Thompson gun for hire, fighting to be done

A Thompson

The deal was made in Denmark on a dark and stormy day

So he set out for Biafra to join the bloody fray

Biafra seceded from Nigeria in 1967, triggering a civil war that raged for three years, involving lots of Western mercenaries
Through sixty-six and seven they fought the Congo war

Warry may be conflating Biafra with the Belgian Congo and Katanga's secession
With their fingers on their triggers, knee-deep in gore
For days and nights they battled the Bantu to their knees
They killed to earn their living and to help out the Congolese

Definitely conflating, unless Roland has changed theatres?

His comrades fought beside him - Van Owen and the rest

Van Owen is  a South African, just to be clear
But of all the Thompson gunners, Roland was the best

Frankly, the Tommy-gun was pretty obsolete by 1967, but it was still a man-stopper at close range, thanks to the .45 ACP round and it's high rate of fire
So the CIA decided they wanted Roland dead

The South Canadians, hmmm? ever interfering
That son-of-a-bitch Van Owen blew off Roland's head
This might have stopped you or I.  Not Roland!

Roland the headless Thompson gunner

Heedless of being headless
Norway's bravest son (to even up the score)

Norwegian.  Told you so.
They can still see his headless body stalking through the night
In the muzzle flash of Roland's Thompson gun
In the muzzle flash of Roland's Thompson gun

Yeah, encountering a headless soldier firing a gun at night - not easily forgotten

Roland searched the continent for the man who'd done him in

We are not given a timeline for this.  Africa's a big place

He found him in Mombassa in a barroom drinking gin

We're not told if this is straight, pink or with tonic water
Roland aimed his Thompson gun - he didn't say a word
But he blew Van Owen's body from there to Johannesburg

Given the enormous distance from Mombasa to Johannesburg one feels that Warry is laying on the poetic licence a bit here

The eternal Thompson gunner
Still wandering through the night

No priest dare approach him, I bet
Now it's ten years later but he still keeps up the fight
In Ireland, in Lebanon, in Palestine and Berkeley

Ireland has gone quiet but Lebanon and Palestine are still exciting places to live
Patty Hearst heard the burst of Roland's Thompson gun and bought it

Patty Hearst's tale is a whooooole other song

     Ol' Warry may have melded two different conflicts of the Sixties into a whole, but he gets a pass for picking on such abstruse subject matter.  Elton and Kurt never tried their hand at lyrics like these.

     Incidentally, if you want a little more fiction about the Nigerian Civil Unpleasantness, 'The Dogs Of War''s beginning is set there. Art!

But not the film

Who Went To The Gulag Over This?

In the same year that "Pink Floyd Live At Pompeii" was released, the Sinister Union launched Kosmos 482, a probe that was intended to travel to Venus and carry out scientific observations there.  Art!

     It never happened.  Kosmos 482 broke up into 4 parts in Earth orbit, one of which has been circling the planet for the past 53 years, to the embarrassment and humiliation of the Sinisters and then the Ruffians.  Art!

Seventies Sinister scientists stretching & signalling

     Now it can be told.  The lander unit came down on Saturday, 10th May, at 06:24, so rather too early except for milkmen making deliveries and long-distance lorry drivers.  Nobody witnessed it landing, which is a good thing as it massed half a ton and would put a severe crimp in your day if it did hit you.  Art!

     It came down in the Indian Ocean, 350 miles west of the Andaman Islands, thus waaaay out to sea so nobody could see.  

Just Give Up Already

As you should surely know by now, Conrad is acutely aware of various superheroes in different media.  Computer games?  Not so much.  They are tremendous devourers of time and I firmly intend never to purchase an Eggs-Box (sp?) or a Paystation for fear of what happened playing 'Steel Panthers' first time out of the box.

     ANYWAY Art!

     Are these the characters you are playing against?  If so just wave the white flags and save yourself any bother.  They are, from port to starboard: Conan; Homelander; Scream Stabber; Omni-Man; Peacemaker; T-1000.  All they're missing is Gort and The Thing.

A 1906 Moment

No!  I do not mean six minutes past seven in the evening.  The year One Thousand Nine Hundred And Six Years Anno Domini.  This was the year HMS 'Dreadnought' was launched, instantly making all other battleships obsolete overnight.  Art!

     It took an awful lot of time, money, men and steel to build a dreadnought-class battleship, but other navies around the world were forced to follow suit or be hopelessly outclassed by Perfidious Albion.  Art!

     This considerably more humble vessel has been inaugurating a minor revolution in naval warfare, a tad under 120 years since Dready got launched down the slipway.  It's a Ukrainian 'Magura' naval drone, which is now capable of not only sinking Ruffian ships, but shooting down helicopters and jet aircraft.  As well as transporting short-range FPV drones to coastal waters in order that they can seek targets inland.  Being a Ruffian pilot in the VDV has never been so exciting!

     Mark my words, by this time next year drones with AI will be running the battlefield*.

Rubbing It In A Bit

Reader, say hello to Voyager 1.  Art!

     In marked contrast to other nation's technology <cougcoughRuffiacough>, this interstellar space-probe is still functioning, after being launched - sorry, make that 'successfully launched' - in 1977.  Having completed it's mission to the outer planets, it was directed into interstellar space and is now 29 billion miles from Earth.  Moreover, it is still sending data back, thanks to retaining the ability to orient it's transmitters correctly.  The thrusters mentioned in the picture above had not been operated for 21 years, and yet worked perfectly, because they weren't bodged together in a rush on Friday before clocking-off time.

Finally -

Cooked the first recipe from my Ukrainian cookbook, and don't worry, you'll get pictures of it soon enough.

*  Do you want Skynet?  BECAUSE THIS IS HOW YOU GET SKYNET!