Konrad Kills Kinema

Because "Conrad Chills Cinema" Just Doesn't Have The Same Ring To It

As you should surely know by now, Your Humble Scribe is one of those people (stretching 'people' in it's definition rather a lot) who is compelled by their very nature to contrast, compare, criticise, categorise and otherwise cogitate about films that unspool in front of them.  Art!

     Here we have Julia Roberts, whose hair is the most acting thing about her, and you can see it recoiling in horror here as she eats a croissant that morphs into a pancake, which is indicative of continuity error.  Or she's just a greedy sow.  Maybe both?  I don't want to push this too much, I suspect Art has a pash about her.

     ANYWAY before we can be accused of act-shaming, let us tootle right on up to the most recent film Conrad has seen of late: "Chernobyl Diaries" and deliver a killing blow about how it got things wrong.  Because it did.  O HOW IT DID!

     If it helps, think of this as a Haunted House film with a very large set.  Art!

     This is Uri, who has been running these 'Extreme Tourism' gigs to Pripyat - as spelled in Cyrillic on the poster - for over five years.  What can possibly go wrong?  A whole lot, or this would be a very short video.  Uri is actually a quite sympathetic character, and he's mostly upfront and honest with his six Western tourists.  Art!

     Here we are in Pripyat, which is where things inevitably start to go wrong.  Note that the name used here is 'Pripyat' not the old Sinister nomenclature of 'Pripyet', which went the way of the dodo in 1991.

     So, here is Amanda, taking a scan of the abandoned worker's flats in Pripyat, which are genuinely creepy as they've been abandoned since 1986; never cleared up or demolished, just left to rot.  Art!

     Forgive the video artefacts, this is supposed to be the Chernobyl power plant visible from Pripyat, which is an artistic fiction as not only is there virgin forest in the way, it's now concealed beneath a gigantic mausoleum.

     Shaken by their near-encounter with a bear, the party of seven head back to Uri's 'Loaf' van, where another inevitable problem occurs.  Art!

     The starter motor wires have been chewed through, meaning the van will not start, so they are all stuck 20 kilometres inside the Chernobyl exclusion zone with no transport and night a-falling.

     Ooops.

     Uri produces a walkie-talkie, which refuses to operate for the next several hours, because It's In The Plot.  

     SUDDENLY! and I can only guess that it's because a shortage of oxygen in the van which causes IQ levels to drop sharply, Uri decides to go outside alone, with his pistol and flashlight.  Art!

     What he's after or up to is never explained.  "Trust Me, Bro!" was never better encapsulated here.  Not only that, Chris, brother of Paul The Chief Idiot Who Arranged This Farrago, gets out of the van to - well - er - I'm not exactly sure about that, either  He has no weapon or torch and makes no attempt to find one.  You can see his outline in mid-screen above.  Moral support.  Gotta be.

     I believe it was James Blish who once said a horror film was one where the whole thing would be over in 5 minutes if only the characters weren't idiots.  James, we tug the forelock to your superior knowledge.
     And this is only the first 30 minutes.  More to come!  

     I know you can hardly wait.

Biting Eight Billion Bullets

Conrad has been toying with the Rule Book and Play Book of "The Great War In Europe Deluxe" for these past few days.  Today I have actually started to place counters on a map, which is a whole lot more complex than you might imagine.  Art!

     This is the West Front only map, which I've chosen in order to limit the number of counters and maps I need.  What you see there are the French counters - dark blue - and the British counters - buff - with the very small Belgian component at the bottom - light blue.  This counter mix was assembled years ago and the Blu-tak securing them has dried out, meaning I need a new miniature blob of Blu-tak to secure each counter <sigh>. It will take a while.

     Conrad also found a solo gamer on Youtube who played this whole thing from start to stop, with illustrative video, so we may get to the 110th centenary of the war beginning with our game of TGWIE in play!  Art?

     This is the Western and Italian Front Map, unsullied by any counters or markers.  I have, so far, placed a whole 7 Belgian army counters on my map.

     

You Want An Answer?

The UK, apparently, has not done very well in the Eurovision Song Contest, which Conrad personally thinks is a badge of honour.  This has led to silly headlines on the BBC News page.  Art!

     BETTER.

     You asked.

"City In The Sky"

After the funeral, the wake.  Or, before the wake, the funeral.  Either way, having a moral compass does have repercussions.

     ‘You seem a bit down, if I may say so,’ ventured Oswald.  ‘Thought you’d be more buzzed.’

     He got a look that began as a glare, then mellowed to a glance.

     ‘The taking of any life is abhorrent to me,’ he said quietly, a noticable Scottish brogue coming through the sad tone.

     ‘Oh, come on!’ blurted Oswald.  ‘The word is that these aliens – Lithoi – killed off most of humanity.  You can’t feel sorry for them!’

     ‘The tu quoque defence,’ murmured Doctor Smith.  He looked at his tea before looking directly at Oswald.  ‘Two wrongs do most not definitely make a right, Captain Oswald.  However.  However.’

     The conversation sat in a sudden silence before the American dared to resume it.

     ‘Ah – “however” what, Doctor Smith?’

     ‘Eh?  Oh, sorry, woolgathering.  Sorry, that means daydreaming.  No, it’s just that I’ve been careful to escalate this struggle sequentially over time.  Our alien squatters have been faced with rapidly diminishing returns yet choose to stay here, which puzzles me.’

     Wisely, Oswald chose to stay silent.

The Doctor found himself, if not exactly on the horns of a dilemma, then staring at the approaching prongs with unpleasant clarity.

     Arcology One needed the Lithoi to be distracted whilst making their terminal descent.  His plan had been to use the improvised balloons that dispersed radar-baffling chaff.  That would keep the aliens busy and degrade their ability to detect the sphere.  His second intent had been to use Dart Three to precede the sphere and take advantage of the radar-baffling to inflict damage on their base.

     Are there any other, more personally dangerous options to take, I wonder?

Hang On, WHAT?

If you've been a gentle reader for more than a few minutes, then you ought to recognise that Conrad loves Blue Oyster Cult the band.  Whom are best-known for heavy metal, but who have admitted that they can play any kind of music; it's just that people pay for the HM numbers, not the lightly-inflected jazz-rock synth combo work they might be able to do - I'm guessing wildly here.  Art!

     I will have to get back to you on this.  Whatever would Murray Krugman or Sandy Pearlman* say!  Or Sir Paul McCartney, for that matter.

Finally -

It has been a day of contrasts.  Bright and sunny in the morning, so I took Entitled Edna for a trot, before it got too hot.  It then got completely overcast, presaging rain, before returning to bright and sunny, which was good for the laundry.  About 19:00 the clouds rolled in, getting darker and more purple - there's a band name in there somewhere - until the thunderstorm broke out.  Art!

     

*  Both BOC producers back in the Seventies.