"No, Mister Bound, I Expect You To Die"

I Know What You're Thinking

"Conrad's been at the cooking sherry again, and before six in the evening, too."

     WRONG!  

     Yesteryon I did trail an idea, about how Edgar Allan Poe directly influenced the James Bond tranche of films, and indeed many other spy-fi films and serials.  Given that Eddie hopped, skipped and pogoed off this mortal coil in 1849, and the first JB film wasn't until 1962, this might raise a few eyebrows.  Don't worry, this old dog can explicate everything, to his own satisfaction if not yours.  Art!

     This is what you were all thinking of, isn't it?  Apparently in the novel Mister Goldfinger used a considerably less-advanced circular saw, which will still get the job done.  Either way, James ends up bifurcated.

     Okay, let us venture back to 1842, when Eddie was still around, and as sprightly as he ever got, which was still pretty languid.  He penned the short story "The Pit And The Pendulum", which has since inspired a great many other people.  Possibly the best-known version is the Roger Corman/Vincent Price film, which bears only a slight resemblance to the original story.  It does have a slowly-descending pendulum with a wickedly sharp edge, mind.  Art!

     Yes yes yes, very atmospheric, just very little to do with the original story, and yes, Your Humble Scribe has read it.

     <short pause as I go to turn the oven on>

     In the story, the un-named narrator, or UN from now on, is sentenced by the Spanish Inquisition to torment and death.  He is confined to a cell with no light and only by sheer luck does he avoid falling into the titular pit. Art!

    At no point do we find out how deep the pit is, a minor detail that Conrad feels cheats, rather.  UN faints at regular intervals - he's a bit of a softy, to be honest - and finds that his cell is shared with a herd of rats.

     Because the Inquisition want to keep him in fear and trembling for as long as possible, they provide him with a few morsels of meat and a little water.  He keeps on fainting, until he wakes up to discover that he's been tied to a table (the 'Bound' bit of today's title) with the pendulum swinging back and forth above him, gradually being lowered.

     Bear in mind that there are no guards or inquisitors in the cell with UN, because that would be unsporting.  This means he is able to smear meat-juice on his bonds, which the rats happily devour.  So much for certain death, hmmmm?  One wonders what graduated measurement of descent the pendulum went through; it would need to be slow and only by small increments, all the better to build up dramatic tension.  Art!

A bit of a feeble pendulum, one feels

     Now, you can see what I'm driving at, can't you?  Art!

     Note the absence of any bad guys, keeping an eye on the Death-Stretchy Machine and it's victim.  "What can possibly go wrong?" they asked themselves.

     For Your Information, the UN is saved at the last minute from being forced into the pit, by the arrival of French troops in the city of Toledo (the incident is set during the Napoleonic Wars and the French invasion of Spain).  I forget how James escaped becoming seven and a half feet tall.

Minute's silence for someone who didn't escape, thanks

The Incredibly Mundane

For Lo! these many months, Conrad has been shoehorned into an uncomfortably narrow space at the Royton bus stop, thanks to the fencing put up by the construction chaps building houses there.

     The fences have mostly gone, thanks to the work being completed.  Art!

     Hmmmm not a location I'd like to live in .  You're six feet from the always-busy Rochdale Road, meaning endless traffic noise.  There will be people at the bus stop every ten minutes, all diverting themselves by watching what the residents are up to in their kitchens.  At the far end you have an off-licence that it open until 22:00, and there's a club directly across the road for even more noise pollution.

     <short pause as I go to take my meal out of the oven> 

Sorry, I Couldn't Resist

More of the Osiris-Rex mission to retrieve bits of Bennu.  Art!

"Take me to your leader"

     It made me laugh.

     O alright.  That inverted container is the sample return capsule dropped from Osiris-Rex, containing surface samples from the asteroid Bennu.  OR itself is off on another cosmic gallivant.

"City In The Sky"

The Doctor is offering to go have a nosy around the Australian outback, in an effort to at least locate the alien 'squatters' he has hypothesised about.

     ‘How?’ asked that same unfriendly voice.

     ‘The Tardis can move in Everettian five-dimensional space-time, traversing bounded regions without needing to adhere to classical Newtonian three-dimensional geodesics.  We dematerialise here - ’ and he rapped his umbrella firmly on the plastic-sheathed ground ‘and rematerialise there - ’ pointing to the heavens with his umbrella.  ‘Death ray wielders need never know about my reconaissance mission.’

     There were some inconsequential questions after that before the whole meeting began to break up.  Davy sought out the Doctor straight away, closely followed by Ace.

     ‘Did you mean what you said about scouting Downstairs?  I mean, would you run the risk?’ asked Davy.  The Doctor wrinkled his nose.

     ‘Risk!  I run more risk of a bite from an Australian spider than anything these mystery aliens may try if I travel in the Tardis.’  He abruptly became serious.  ‘Also, Davy, I really don’t like asking this, but would one of your crew be willing to come with Ace and I?’

     The Armenian paused in surprise.

     ‘Willing!  Doctor, there isn’t anyone aboard Arc One who wouldn’t jump at such a chance!’

     Before any more could be said, an eager young voice interrupted.

     ‘Me!  I’m willing to go Downstairs!’

     I wonder who that could be.  Actually I don't, I sneaked a peek.  You, however, will have to wait.

Shoigu The Slimy

Conrad is minded of that quote from "Apocalypse Now" about a snail crawling along the edge of a razor, which is a neat trick but unlikely to get you invited back to parties.

     Why am I comparing this prating bafune to a snail?  Art!

"When it's all over, I have my career as a penguin impersonator to fall back on."

      Because he's in a very tricky position; Bloaty Gas Tout apparently gave him until early October to win the Special Idiotic Operation, so he has perhaps a fortnight before he falls out of a window or guzzles down a pot of polonium tea.

    On the other hand, the Ukrainians love him.  He is incompetence made concrete.  Don't let the uniform fool you; his background and experience is in chemical engineering and embezzlement.  If he accidentally eats a kilo of poisonous mushrooms he might be replaced by a marginally less-incompetent nincompoop.  Admiral Sokolov might have been reduced to what can be buried in a matchbox, but the Ukies will fight tooth and nail to preserve Sergei The Slug.  Art!

     It still makes me laugh.

     I know, I know, this is treading dangerously close to the borders of Politics, and definitely Current Affairs, so let's end this item now.

Finally -

I am about to watch a vlog by the ever-excellent Joe Blogs, whose title is quite apocalyptic now, if you're a Ruffian.  

"Russia Bans All Fuel Exports".

     This is a country whose economy IS fuel exports.  Tell me again how this is all part of an incredibly cunning 4-D chess game?  Sounds more like a game of 'Snap' with 51 cards missing.