Not Literally
Although - isn't there a film of that title? I seem to recall through the mists of both time and gin (yes, finally finishing off the raspberry-infused gin). Something to do with Alice Cooper? Conrad seems to recall he only appeared in it because the producers swore on their mother's Bible, which was clutched in her cold dead hand in her coffin, thus also swearing on her grave, that it would NEVER be shown in South Canada. Art!
They lied!
Nor am I referring to that epically-stupid film "Zoltan, Hound Of Dracula" which I shame-facedly admit to having seen.
No, I am talking about a tale related on Youtube, which centres around a bunch of puppies. Perhaps I should have led with a picture of puppies, they always attract the punters. Art!
The very opposite of 'Monster'
Now, this may come as a surprise to you, but a litter of new-born puppies means that there was a mother dog (it's a bit disrespectful to call her a bitch) involved, whom is quite likely to still be around if they are un-weaned. Any mother dog will be protective of her puppies, and if the mother happens to look like this - Art!
Then beware. For this is a Rottweiler, a breed that resembles an obese Doberman, except that's all muscle not fat, and they can get verrrry feisty when irked. Dangerously feisty, to the point of tearing one's throat out, which is where this evening's blog gets it's title from. Conrad recalls a gory little tale from Quora that may even be true, where the owner of three very large dogs heard them tackle a burglar downstairs one night; he waited until the screaming stopped and then went downstairs to shovel up what was left into a bucket ...
ANYWAY as related on Youtube, Original Poster lived next to neighbours whose female Rottweiler had just had six puppies. Enter Karen, a deeply unpleasant woman who lived down the road, and who pestered about getting one of the puppies (for free, of course - obviously!) even after being told "NO", several times.
CAUTION! Do not try at home.
Now, in a Karen's head, "NO" is automatically translated to "You can come and steal as many puppies as you wish".
So Kazza did just that, dressing up all in black and breaking into the neighbour's house in the small hours one night to steal a puppy. She made three basic mistakes: 1) She broke in on the side facing OP's cameras; 2) She ignored the fact that the mother dog was asleep with her pups; 3) She ignored the fact that the mother dog was asleep with her pups.
Yes, I realise 2) and 3) are the same, it's just such a massive oversight that I want you to truly appreciate how stupid she was. OP saw Karen being held to the ground in the neighbour's back yard and called the police, who arrived before the intruder became a bloodied chew toy. The mother dog had promptly woken up when Kazza came house-breaking and went for her, tackling her in the back yard.
She got three years for breaking and entering, trespass, and being mean to puppies sundry other charges.
Did I mention that she did this to get a puppy for her kids? Who probably ended up as wards of the state, since she was too horrible for any partner to stay with her. Still, she was lucky to be alive and mostly in one piece. Art!
One of these is a bitch. The other is a female dog.
It's like they say: you can't fix stupid, but you can at least throw it's bottom in prison.
No Bark For This Shark
You can tell Conrad is middle-aged bordering on pensionable, because rather than mention how he got drunk at a party, punched someone, threw up in a corner and woke up in the gutter somewhere in Leeds, he now entertains and thrills you with - a Shark!
No, not the marine version. Where would it fit in The Mansion? The airy dungeons, both Upper and Lower, are in permanent darkness and the RSPCA would doubtless object. Plus, it would cost a fortu
ANYWAY - Art!
This is our latest cordless hand-held hoover, brand name 'Shark' for reasons that escape me. Compared to our ailing Dyson, it's a monster. A couple of passes over the floor in my Sekrit Layr and it was full, rather a surprise given that the carpet had been Dyson'd earlier in the week. It's so powerful Edna would be at risk, were she not extremely wary of it; a combination of 'long stick-like thingy' and 'the noise! the noise!'.
My Cyrillic Is Improving
If you were unaware, Serbian, Bulgarian, Greek, Ukrainian and Russian use the Cyrillic alphabet rather than our (FAR SUPERIOR WESTERN) Roman one. The name comes from two Greek monks, Cyril and Methodius, who composed it on a dare after too much wine one night. It's confusing to Western eyes because it has 32 characters, some of which are the same as their Roman equivalent, some of which look the same but mean something completely different, and the extra 6 characters. Art!
This picture alone would get Conrad 5 years in a Ruffian gulag. It shows the Ruffian HQ that got Stormzy'd on Friday. The text, as best I can transliterate, is "SHTAB CHERNOMORSKOGO FLOTA" and I admit I have a touch of advantage here, having a casual acquaintance with Ruffian for Lo! these many years.
What does it mean? Well, "SHTAB" can best be translated as "STAFF".
"CHERNO-" means "BLACK" and "MOR" means "SEA".
"FLOTA" - you may be ahead of me here - means "FLEET".
In English, they are pointing out "BLACK SEA FLEET HEADQUARTERS". Interior decorating renovations courtesy Perfidious Albion and the M8s.
Conrad is moderately convinced that, in the middle future, Ukraine is going to drop Cyrillic and move to the Roman alphabet. This will be for three reasons: 1) It will emphasise the sovereign nature of Ukraine; 2) It will melt the collective pans of nationalist Ruffians and 3) It will melt the collective pans of nationalist Ruffians (see above for rationale).
The Straggle Is Reel
Yes, Conrad came across another fiendishly difficult Codeword, which he felt compelled, simply compelled, to share with you. I might only be at the level of a three-year old with Cyrillic, but with English I am up there in lights. Art!
That's right, no clues at all. I did work out that 13 = "E", and that the word at lower port - Art!
- was "DEPORTEE" and things fell into place after that. I had gone through REPARTEE and DEPARTEE and rejected NEGLIGEE.
"City In The Sky"
I'd better get on with this, that pizza needs to go in the oven soon.
ANYWAY the Doctor is giving a lecture to the inhabitants (or crew, if you like) of Arcology One, about what has been going on behind the scenes Downstairs.
‘This ought to be Earth in the year five thousand, not twenty one oh
five. Another salient point. May I also explain another aspect of
pre-Crash behaviour you have always found puzzling?’
The whispering stopped, making Ace realise he had them exactly where he
wanted them.
‘Why did the
junta in
That caused Ace to pause and think. Okay, these mysterious alien invaders
blew up missiles that were heading for
The audience were now clustered together, chatting and talking excitedly
to each other, people throwing up arms or shaking heads in disbelief. Davy, whose voice Ace recognised, spoke up
for a lot of the listeners.
‘All very persuasive, Doctor, yet purely circumstantial as you
admit. Why, using Ockham’s Razor, should
we invent an alien invasion when there are other less extreme possibilities?’
The Doctor frowned, the low-set lighting making his face look positively
sinister.
‘This is not an invasion, Davy.
It is an infiltration,’ and he dwelt on that last word, emphasising
it. ‘Secret. Undercover. Covert.
These alien’s greatest weapon is their secrecy, that nobody suspects
they even exist.’
Until now .....
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