NO! This Is Not Some Seedy Reference To Drugs Or Carnal Matters
Even though you fearfully salacious perverts would love that, wouldn't you? How many times do we editorial staff at BOOJUM! have to tell you that we adhere to our SFW values?
No, what I refer to is the goodbye to a news and current affairs program called "Nationwide", which frequently featured an odd or amusing story to sign off with at the end of their broadcast - including an item on a skateboarding duck. Art!
'Herbie;. Sounds delicious!
Richard Stilgoe, their resident muso, created a paean to the duck as a farewell farewell when they broadcast for the last time. Beaky boardy bathos, you might say.
This sense of bemusement at what passes for 'news' nowadays struck Your Humble Scribe especially hard this morning. For example: Art!
No, that's not a typo for 'noise' or 'rose' or 'artificial syndiotactic polymerisation". Reading on, it appears that some people who live to be offended, loudly, were "shocked and stunned" (as "The Sun" would say) that Ol' Brad, playing Leonard Bernstein the composer, had a prosthetic nose to allow him to look the part. The original item omitted 'Bradley', making it even more abstruse. Art!
Lenny, rocking the Jon Pertwee look
The thing is, Ol' Len did have a sizeable conk, and Conrad says this as the proud possessor of an equally impressive facial hood-ornament. Also, Ol' Len's family have weighed in on the tempest in a thimble and informed the world that their dad did, indeed have a large nose.
Okay, that's one of today's news stories explained. What next, you ask?
Get this. Art!
Quite dramatic, nicht wahr? This is a consequence of Darth Marmalade shooting from the lip across the internet and broadcast media, especially his post about - Art!
This, to his ardent followers, was the equivalent of going up to a hornet's nest and belting it with a broomstick, because you can guarantee that several of them will see this as a secret code that means KILL THEM KILL THEM ALL KILL THEM UNTO THE SEVENTH GENERATION, in addition to AND THEN DANCE ON THEIR GRAVES THAT YOU HAVE SOWN WITH SALT, possibly with a small addition BALLROOM DANCES ONLY NO DISCO MOVES.
You think I'm exaggerating, don't you?
Sadly not. As the headline above shows, there's always one. In this case it was a woman from Texas, one Abigail Shry. Art!
The diet starts in prison
Just to egg the pudding, this charming young lady raddled old git not only threatened to kill the judge sitting on D J Tango's case, but, just for good measure and out of the badness of her heart, to also murder all Democratic members of Congress, and another person running for office.
As you might imagine, the FBI took an extremely dim view of this and Ms. Shry is now sporting a fetching orange jumpsuit and can look forward to free accommodation and catering for many years to come.
So, a news item chock-full of drama and threat and murder and arrests, and what do we here in This Sceptred Isle have as competition? Art!
You might call this the very epitomy of bucolic bathos. The reason water voles are an endangered species is because of the South Canadians, or at least their mink. These furry critters were imported into This Sceptred Isle to be farmed for their fur, which some of them disagreed with, formed a Resistance Council and staged a great escape. They then preyed upon the hapless and helpless voles, whose population dropped by a good 95%, and whom are now being reintroduced to the Lake District.
I know, I know, it's not quite as dramatic as a death threat, nor as baffling as a prosthetic nose, but you go with what you've got.
A Touch Of Real History
Conrad is busily back at work on his satirical nonsense novel about the cod Eastern European kingdom of Urquelomplangia, a name I have conjured up from nowhere. I shall probably have to come up with an origin for it at some point, because Your Humble Scribe likes to buttress his fictions with facts. Just to confuse people*.
ANYWAY one of the questions that came up in my mind was: how many Republics were there across the European continent in the late seventeenth century?
The answer is: not many. England had ceased to be a republic (which they disguised as a 'Commonwealth') when Charles II took the throne. Art!
Chuck Two
There was the Dutch Republic. They had rebelled and thrown off the yoke of the Spanish Empire, and having experienced said rule, wanted nothing to do with kings or emperors. What they loved doing was trading and making money, rather than blood and conquest. Art!
There were the Swiss, too, whom I remembered. They, too, had thrown off the Hapburg yoke, except they'd done it in the thirteenth century, and wanted nothing to do with monarchy or the Divine Right Of Kings (which was their 'Get Out Of Jail Free' card for everything).
The Haul
As it is my birthday today, I have acquired a bunch of stuff as a present. Art!
Not before time - that dark jar is full of multi-vitamins, timely as I've just finished my old jar of them. The other two jars contain pickled onions and pickled chillis, which make a fine addition to any sandwich. Socks and undies are always appreciated, because then I don't have to go out doing a clothes shop <winces>. The cool mug shows Edward Woodward as Callan, the titular grey, remorseless killer from "Callan", regarding one of his wargame soldiers (Ed himself a big gamer). And about those belts - Art!
The one contorted like a snake in convulsions is the ancient and battered one with the legend "MAKE TEA NOT WAR" which is such an excellent buckle slogan that I am going to retain the buckle even if there's no belt to go with it.
I shall be test-driving the new one tonight.
"City In The Sky"
We are eavesdropping on the sinister alien interlopers, the Lithoi, who have set up their domicile in the unsuspecting outback of Australia. Well, that is, the Hom. Sap. of that island continent are unaware. The local wildlife - that's a different story.
‘That was a redundant back-up scout.
They will have reported back to the pack.’
‘Are these wild dogs a threat to worry about?’ asked Nilkan 34. Arkan 22 dipped his collar, a sign of
negativity or disagreement.
‘No. Our mission has lost more
workers to precipitation than to animal attack, however evolved.’
This was true. Any Lithoi caught
outside by atmospheric precipitation tended to suffer fatal panic attacks, even
when they knew hermetically-sealed suits protected them. Less genetics, more social history.
‘I thought it interesting. They
will provide the new occupants with a more varied hunting entertainment.’
‘What of the human littoral communities?’ asked Orskan 94. They all deferred to Miskan 54, the
acknowledged expert on human societies in the post-apocalypse era.
Miskan 54 brought up a display of the
‘These settlements are being kept to a low level of technology,
insufficient to harm us even if they did know of our existence. The flying eye destroys any attempts to
construct electrical equipment. Enslaved
humans help to keep us informed and the others ignorant.
‘They present no threat to our plans.’ Once again, sincere but hugely mistaken.
The biter bit.
Finally -
A moment's silence for Michael Parkinson, please. He might not be on the lips of today's youngsters, but back in the Seventies he was a colossus amongst television presenters thanks to his chat show - "Parkinson". 0% award for creativity there, folks. Art!
That's Parky and David Niven, one of his most popular guests, thanks to being an excellent raconteur and funny with it. Notice the spartan set, no gimmicks or props in view. Parky excelled in getting his guests to talk about themselves, rather than inserting himself into the conversation, which is a deceptively difficult thing to do.
Conrad is pretty sure, were he a television interviewer, the Remote Nuclear Detonator would be used as if 'twere a typewriter.
*Including myself.
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