Mars My Words
Of course - obviously! - you realise that Your Humble Scribe has not committed the faux pas of making a spelling mistake, and is instead making an hilarious joke WHICH IS FUNNY IS IS IS about Perseverance. You know, the rover beetling about on the surface of Mars, with it's own separate mini-helicopter to perform spotting duties? Art!
Hom. Sap. Clever when they try
Don't forget these vehicles are at least 78 million miles away and have to operate semi-autonomously, thanks to the lag in communicating over that distance. Also, recall that nobody knew if Ingenuity, the helicopter, would even be able to function on Mars, thanks to the extremely thin atmosphere, winds, dust, Ice Warriors, etcetera. It's made a lucky thirteen excursions to date, and is acting as a kind of aerial observer for Perseverance, scouting out terrain in advance, because if
You need to avoid these beasties, see.
ANYWAY one of the primary functions of Perseverance is to bimble around on the Martian surface, taking rock samples. These finger-sized core sections are going to be encased, then left on the - er - earth? to be collected at a later date by another rover. Except this didn't happen with Core Sample Number One. Art!
Ah yes. What happened here is a lesson in Martian geology, or perhaps Areology? because the core sample shattered into powder when extracted, leaving a small sad pile of dust (hence today's title). O well. At the time all NASA's boffins were having kittens, thinking that the sample had grown wings and flown away. That, or the Decepticons. However, the second sample has been cored out and appears to still be intact. Exciting stuff, hmmmm? Also proof that interplanetary exploration is not as simple as you may imagine.
Colonel Zodiac: case proven
Motley, I'm going to have to ask you to carry out a sample analysis similar to the above. Don't worry, you're perfectly qualified.
Get reading.
Come In Mister Van Gogh, Your Time Is Up
I apologise for being a bit cliche about the man, yet he is undeniably a painter, and I'm on a schedule here. Okay, this item derives from a crossword clue, which I can't be bothered to replicate. The answer was PAINTER and they had mentioned boats and boating as a clue. Well, Conrad has heard the term previously in association with small boats - probably present in every other Para Handy story ever written - but has never bothered to to do any digging. Until now. Art!
A 'painter' is the rope that connects a small boat to either another boat or the dockside. My Collins Concise suggests that it derives from the Old English 'Pentour' which means 'Strong rope'. Fair enough.
The thing is - that item title reminds me of a Pink Floyd track "Come In Number 51 Your Time Is Up" which refers to boating lake protocol, wherein the hiring agent would megaphone across the waters to the erring boat, indicating that their time in the rented boat had expired. Conrad unsure what they did if the renter ignored their summons. Sent out a frigate?
NO you do not get a larger version!
That's the soundtrack they performed this song for, because it was actually an alternate version of another track of theirs called "Careful With That Axe, Eugene" and at that point I think we've gone down enough rabbit hole's rabbit holes. If you have any further questions please address to Messrs. D. Gilmour or R. Waters. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to reverse through eighteen and a half miles of rabbit hole. I bet Lewis Carroll never had these problems.
CONRAD IS ANGRY! O SO ANGRY! ANGRY ANGRY ANGRY!
Yes, I'm afraid we're dealing with the emotional and mental fall-out from yet another set of Codewords. You don't mind, do you? Because it's either listen to this or I nuke Birmingham. Your choice.
Hmmm Birmingham residents heave a collective sigh of relief. Don't make plans, you have NO idea what Conrad has in store for you once he takes over.
"PRETZELS": Egad, once again we are faced with a South Canadian intrusion upon the shores of This Sceptred Isle. Conrad has actually eaten one of these food items, whilst doing the tourist jag in San Francisco. It had a lot of salt baked onto the outside. The current term derives, it is thought, from "Brezitella", an Old High German word. Very much an unwanted intrusion. More used as an adjective in sci-fi when a robot turns the protagonist's car into same.
Imagine metallic squealing
"SUCTORIAL": YOU WHAT!? Actually Conrad took the time to go look in his Collins Concise and there it is, all to do with suckers and tentacles, and I don't think we'll go any further than that, since - well, Your Humble Scribe understands that there are very strange people in Japan, who <REDACTED>
Yeah, well. Wait for the sequel.
<REDACTED REDACTED>
<REDACTED>
"EXARCH": Good lord aloft, another reference to the Greek Orthodox Church! A term so obscure it's not present in my Collins Concise. Conrad remembers, with narrowed, judgemental eyes, that in the BBC's dramamentary "Doctor Who" they had an 'Archimandrite' as one of the far-flung future's functionariés, except that the title is - gasp! - another Greek Orthodox title. Art!
Also, Cyril Shaps, the actor here, is Jewish.
Hmmmmm well that's enough paddling around the waters of Religion for one day. Let us move on!
Finally -
Do you know, Conrad is almost prepared to introduce the Wolf to our short list of species deemed friendly to humanity. Yes, we already have the weasel and the shark, and Your Humble Scribe had sat back on his haunches and thought "Goll-ee, how must it be, in South Canadi-ee, waiting for the depredations of Mister Double-You Oh Ell Eff-i-ee."
Not remotely as bad as you might imagine. The list of South Canadians etten by wolves over the past one hundred years is a very short one.
YOU! YES, YOU! STOP LOOKING SO DOMESTIC!
* Birmingham residents have their response button disabled
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