Today In Gomorrah-On-The-Irwell

That's Manchester To You
Although if Gomorrah still survives in some form, dating back to Biblical times, and anyone there is reading this - a slim chance, I grant you - then they might be fearfully confused.  So might the rest of you.  Anyway, let us crack on.

Either Gomorrah getting it, or Ground Zero at Castle Bravo

     Dear World, this Intro is to let you know that Conrad is available for gainful employment.  My ideal job would involve the following, in no special order:  drinking tea*; doing cryptic crosswords; creating a blog full of nonsensical scrivel; reading; writing long works of genre fiction.  Neither Fish4Jobs nor Monster seem to include any vacancies like this.  Let's face it, if I could get paid to create BOOJUM! then that would be hitting the jackpot squarely on the head, to blend metaphors.
     In pursuit of this gainful employment, because £££, Conrad popped into the city so named above to register with Rullion (a job agency for those who do not hail from the Allotment's shores).
     Inevitably, my footsteps took me to Church Street market Bookbuyers, which shop now boasts a roving security guard, and no Spice zombies this week.  Thus below - 

The Haul
I wasn't sure if I'd already got the IWM book or not, but at only £1 it was worth the risk.
Perhaps Art can grace us with a picture, if he puts that plate of coal down?

     I'm particularly pleased at getting the Heath Robinson work (upper left in the photo).  Once again, for those who hail beyond these hallowed shores, he was our version of Rube Goldberg.  Unfortunately HR became known for and typecast in drawing quirky inventions, when he really wanted to branch out into more serious stuff; the Inside Every Clown Is A Hamlet Syndrome, I suppose.

HR at work

      Even though I said "our version", HR predates RG by a good few years, which is proof of something jingoistic.

What Weather!
Today is Summer.  Literally.  I can evidence this.  Art?  Plate down, picture up.

     You might be forgiven for not recognising this bus stop, as previously when I've taken a photograph it's been grey, overcast, raining or with streams of lava pouring down the hillside.  However, as you can tell by the shadows the sun is shining.  Given the vagaries of the weather here in the Allotment, we have to treat a day like today as if it were the only day of Summer extant.  Why, I even went into town without a coat - such daring!
     Most ridiculously, there is rumbling on the news of a potential drought looming.  how is this even remotely possible, given the frequency of days when the very Atlantic itself unloaded from the heavens?  What the heck did they do with all that water?

A Clerihew Or Two
Let us once again unload mild opprobrium upon some musical icons.  I did these on the bus-ride home, as I have not taken Edna for a walk today.  Yet!  Yet, I'll do that after this, okay?  

David Gilmour

Is no longer poor.

However, before "The Wall"

He didn't have much money at all.

     Very true, actually.  Their investment firm was run by a collection of crooks who embezzled the money, something like that, and the only person who did well out of The Wall tour was Rick Wright, who'd actually been sacked from the band but kept on as a session musician, to quell wagging tongues and keep the image going.

Rick, early Seventies version

Elton John
Is not a Don.
Because he does not come from Iberia,
Where a Don is someone rather superior

     I'm not sure what they'd make of him in Spain.  He is British, yet he's also rather - er - ostentatious, which is a bit much, frankly.  

Elton in a quiet, reflective moment (for him)

Next!

David Hasselhoff

Likes to quaff.

He drinks twenty pints a day,

And is often guilty of affray.

     Say what you like about The Hoff, he's not remotely precious about his image, and I remember thinking what a good sport he was for appearing in the "Spongebob Squarepants Film".

Syd Barrett

Never played with Keith Jarrett

Because Keith had a jazzy schtick

And Syd preferred his keyboardist, Rick

     This is perfectly true, to my uncertain recollection.  Keith Jarrett is a South Canadian jazz pianist, and I've already mentioned Rick Wright, keyboards chap in Pink Floyd.  By now I think I've wrung out all the permutations possible with Syd, but we shall see, we shall see ...

Keith Jarrett's shirt giving Elton a run for his money

*  Loose leaf and Fairtrade only

Today - Efficiency Is Key!

Yesterday -
I took ages to compose BOOJUM! but I do have an excuse, being that they were showing "Ice Cold In Alex" on television.  For those of you who wonder, this nothing to do with cryogenics, quite the opposite, and the 'Alex' in question is the Egyptian city of Alexandria.  It is set in the deserts of North Africa during the Second Unpleasantness, and concerns a British ambulance and crew, desperately trying to keep one step ahead of the pursuing Teutons.  What sustains them is the prospect of having an ice-cold glass of lager in Alex.  Stirring stuff!

One glass, four straws

     I should say, damn your eyes for being stirring stuff! I kept watching what was going on instead of composing deathless prose.
     Then, damn and blast it, they showed 'Flight of the Phoenix', but fortunately by that point I'd nearly finished.  No, the original version, the good one.

Thank you, Art

     BOOJUM! is the deathless prose I mentioned, in case you were wondering.  And even if you weren't.

The Clerihew Returns
Ah yes, the fruits of walking the dog.  I try these out on Edna, so hopefully there's nobody behind me at the time, as being considered a worry by your neighbours does not make for happiness.  So!  Let the mildly mocking rhymes begin.

Abraham Lincoln

Was always winking.

Ladies thought he was flirting

It's just that his eyes were hurting.

Oh dear.  Abe does not look happy with me.

          It's always a bit risky, slandering South Canadian figures of some stature, as they have a long reach and a longer memory.  Here goes another one - 

Paul Revere

Liked deer.

He kept one at home as a pet

Till he got bored, and it got et.

     Paul is famous in South Canadian history for riding hither and yon, telling his fellow countrymen that their best friends the British were coming, and would they all like to attend the party?     
     Okay, let's pick on that trusty Sixties psychedelic casualty and founder of Pink Floyd -

Syd Barrett

Never lived in a garret.

Because of all his record sales

He could afford a holiday cottage in Wales.

     Ha!  Take that inflammatory condemnation, Syd!  Er - in fact there is a grain of truth in there.  Although Syd didn't record anything after his two solo LPs circa 1970, he continued to get royalties from his work with Pink Floyd, enough to allow him to live comfortably and not work.  Well, haviing traduced the fellah already, I feel like continuing.

Syd Barrett

Had a parrot.

He taught it to say rude things,

And caw, and offensively flap it's wings.

     I think that's enough hard-edged critique for one day.  Let us move on!

Oh dear.  Syd does not look happy with me.

A Huffy Hound
Today the weather was good enough for even Conrad to acknowledge it, so I set myself up on the kitchen table in order to do my looking for gainful employment.  Incidental to this, I have found that there is a dearth of jobs that require one to drink tea, do crosswords, blog and read books for a salary of around £16,000.  I find this surprising, and not a little worrying.
     Anyway, there I was, tapping away at the keyboard, making notes and snorting derisively at some of the jobs on offer - "Senior Producer of The Jeremy Kyle Show"; because daytime television rots your brain. This was simply not good enough for Edna.

     I can tell you exactly what's going through her mind:  "Okay, fine then, I'll just lie down here and DIE because you won't let me lie on your lap, or play tug or chase the ball, I'll show you and you'll be sorry once I'm DEAD -" Cont. Page 96

How Odd
I've just found a printed extract from my MSS 'Revelations' on the floor with no idea how it got there.  I did manage to be spectacularly clumsy earlier today and nearly topple a pile of CDs on a bookcase.  Have these sheets tumbled out of a hidey-hole as a result of that?

Manchester after 'Revelations'.  A fixer-upper, as they say

Well, I've already wittered on about films in the Intro, and I don't like to over-egg the pudding, so the patented BOOJUM! Film Review that I was going to add will just have to wait until tomorrow.

Finally -
Because I like to wheedle, sucker and entrap the unwary, here's a cute baby animal photo -

     Yes, it is an alligator.  It's still a cute baby animal.  Perhaps only to it's mother, but still -

How Very Absurd

It's About The Neat-herd
As you should surely know by now, Conrad is ever one for the Cryptic Crossword, and he got all of Friday's in The Metro bar one - "One in charge of a tidy lot of stock (8 letters)".  Well, today I got the answers to Friday's questions, and I have to say I was surprised.
     Anyway, I wanted to show the really important things, at least to Edna, who appears to have the casting vote when it comes to laps and laptops.

     This is what is known as a Pre-emptive Strike; she got in there, or on there, before the laptop could.  And remained there, just to prove a point*.  She didn't bother to carry out her usual Floor Sweep, where she diligently inspects the carpet, just to make sure Conrad hasn't dropped any pieces of chicken or bacon.  Determined doggeh.

Plenty to sit on here!

     Well now that we've had the Cute Animal Intro, which should hook unsuspecting browsers, let us proceed by deploying the wibble.

Today's Haul
Conrad happened to be in Babylon-lite today**, and, having brushed up on bands thanks to The Flop House's band recommendations, I popped into That's Entertainment, where I got this lot.  Art?

And here we are

     I have to thank Young Chap At Till, who made a point of asking if I'd got everything I wanted.
     "No, actually.  I was looking for "Songs For Silverman" by Ben Folds, and couldn't find it on the shelves," bemoaned your humble scribe.
     Well, here's customer service for you; he checked their stock database, went off and came back with that very same CD.
     Thank you, Young Chap At Till!

"Navy Seals Versus Zombies"
Ah now, this fillum came up on a list of 10 films as good as "The Walking Dead" if not better, and I'd been after it for a while.  Art?

The one on the left.  Just so you know

     The thing is, it's from 2015, which means it's not present on any <cough cough> film websites, as 2015 is practically prehistoric for these sites.  And - once again - it was thanks to Young Chappette At Till in That's Entertainment asking if I had what I was looking for.
     Enough!  Let Conrad say that he thoroughly enjoyed NSVZ, which is plainly a low-budget film that makes no pretences at being anything but what it says on the tin.  Entertainment, not art.  Art?

These are the SEALS, not the zombies.  Just so we're clear.

     There are a set of Goofs on IMDB, which can be put down to the fact that this is a low-budget film.  LOW BUDGET FILM!  No, they can't afford to hire Blackhawk helicopters, no they can't afford to do umpteen takes if everyday traffic goes by in the background, and no they can't afford to use CGI to remove passers-by.
     I couldn't quite place where I'd seen the Lieutenant before.  Art?

Ed Quinn

     From "Eureka", actually.  He has one of the best lines in the film - "I think this may be the dumbest thing we've ever done" - as he and two other SEALs attempt to get a tissue sample from a zombie.  Don't knock Ed, he comes across convincingly and he has a degree in History.

"Eat hot leaden death, zombie scum!"

     The other good thing about this film is that it avoids all the cliches (bar one) and the SEALs behave intelligently, rather than running around like decapitated pullets.  Even the bit where you think AJ is running on Idiot Juice has a critical plot point to come.
     Ah yes that cliche bit - which is when someone gets bit.  Then they conceal the fact despite knowing that they'll end up as a ravening undead monster shortly.
     The film was shot in Baton Rouge, presumably because that's where it was cheapest to get permission, clear the streets and have bloodied extras shambling around.  Art?

Baton Rouge

     If I remember how to log on to IMDB I may go and award this film 6.5 stars, which is what it deserves.

Oh yes, about that Cryptic Crossword.  The answer was "Neat-herd", which I have never heard of before, and I doubt you have either.  I had to look it up on Google before it was revealed to be "Cow-herd".  Conrad not sure how a cow comes across as "Neat".

A herd of neat.

*  You can't move until I do.
**  Oldham to you.