Dr. McCoy - Or Bones - You're Sitting On Stones!

Yes, Yes, I Know Some Hair-Splitting Pedant Will Come Along -
 - and point out that it's actually a rock shelf.  Normally this hair-splitting pedant will be me, except for today I don't feel like criticising myself.  So I shall instead confine my retaliation to point out that the rock shelf is made of stone.  Also, having one of your secondary leads risk his health, not to mention his buttocks, by sitting on a load of pointy rocks is bad for filming.

For once, Kirk doesn't have his paws on the love interest

     Anyway, a rock shelf is close enough to stones, and this Intro is only intended and designed to sucker in vast amounts of blog traffic by being, frankly, clickbait*, so it's work is done and let's move on.

Spongebob Squarepants - The Stage-show
Conrad thoroughly approves as he likes Spongebob, especially Squidward who is a model for the ages, and Patrick is the comic foil par excellence.
     Now, Wonder Wifey ducked out of taking Darling Daughter to see the Spongebob film, which was her loss.  She probably thought it would be ridiculously childish, except it wasn't, it was jolly entertaining and is proof positive that The Hoff** is not at all precious about his image.

Er - yes.  Quite.
Quite what I'm not sure, but - quite

     Now there is going to be a theatrical presentation with musical contributions from fans including David Bowie.  Conrad does not worship at the Temple of David (especially since he recalls "The Laughing Gnome") but does quite like his music, so another tick box of happiness is checked off.

Facebook And Most Used Words
I have used this function a few times in the past, and the most used words tended to be "unsalubrious" "poikilothermic" and "szygy".  I tried at the weekend and again today and got merely this:

     Conrad fears his language and/or vocabulary, perhaps his syntax too, have broken Facebook, even if only just a little.
     Sorry!

"Everest"
Another BOOJUM! film review, inspired by the bus poster.  The obvious pun would be about double-glazing, as the trio of men in the picture appear to be in a rather chilly environment.  However, this is BOOJUM! - that's not an unpleasant surprise, is it? You didn't think this was a Lewis Carroll fansite, did you?  If so please move on! - and we try to avoid the obvious.
     SO!  Not a film I'd care to watch, all about extreme athletes, because they - get this - Neverest***.

They look pretty cool.
Ha!  "Cool"! Do you see what - o you do.

Eden Underwood
Ah, that placid, bucolic East Sussex picture-postcard village, with added demons, white witches, haunted houses and cursed treasures.  To name but a few of it's selling points.  I hasten to add that it's not real^, it's a setting I invented.

Eden Underwood: the village schoolchildren

     In a fit of whimsy - those not interested are requested to read on anyway, I've taken the trouble to write this, the least you can do is read it - Conrad has picked on the number "67" for three separate standalone chapters.  One will be set in 1567, during the Reformation, when the Henge on Blackmere Heath is broken up.  The next is set in 1767, during the Enlightenment, when the cave on the Crag is barred-up.  The last one is set in 1967, during Cambridge University's ill-fated dig.  
     Of course this needs a fair amount of research, which has never stopped your humble scribe.  Once, in pursuit of <Mister Hand intervenes to prevent death-by-boredom>

"The Maze Runner - The Scorch Trials"
Another bus poster review.  Whatever you do, don't mention "The Hunger Games".
     Whoops too late.  Another film franchise that bestirs 0% interest in Conrad, as with THG and Fast and Furious.  You see, Hollywood, sometimes the Suit-Driven Demographically-Propelled Money-Motivated Script Generator simply fails.  Conrad cannot be bothered to even

Another Bus Poster-Inspired Quote
I think I got it down correctly: "Entertainment downloaded instantly on our superfast 4G"
     Call me a dinosaur if you wish, as I confess I cannot make heads or tails of this.  What is "4G"?  As far as Conrad is aware, this is what the pilot of a Typhoon fighter jet would pull if making a sharp turn at Mach 3.
     Answers on a postcard, please, as I've no time for that texting nonsense^^.

A Typhoon breaking the sound barrier.
This is, frankly, showing off.

Welcome To Hell!
Not reallllly sure where this came from, but I did Google for "Methylene Trioxide" this afternoon.  It doesn't exist, although Wiki did come up with an alternative - "Ethylene Oxide" and a description of it's properties.
     Bloody hell!  I've not come across anything so insanely dangerous since the terrifying Chlorine Triflouride, which is so dangerous that Nazi scientists abandoned working with it.  That's some pedigree.
     Anyway, ethylene oxide.  It is flammable, carcinogenic, mutagenic, irritating, an anaesthetic and very very toxic indeed.  

Of course, if you blow up the poison bit is less of a worry

When I write "irritating" I ought to have put "will dissolve your lungs if inhaled".  It's so toxic that by the time you pick up it's bizarrely pleasant smell, you're already a walking dead man.  Oh, and when I said "flammable" I should have put "Breaks down at room temperature into thermally-active salts that trigger explosive detonation".



* I'm so evil.
** David Hasselhoff.  Come on, do keep up!
*** Sorry.
^ Not real, probably.
^^ I did warn you, dinosaur.

Thomas Pynchon - And The Battle Of Inchon!

Let Me Rest Your Anxious Hearts -
Tom was not present at the battle, as he was still in high school.  However, the US Navy was present, very much so, to the tune of 261 vessels, and Tom was in the US Navy in the later Fifties, so Conrad can maintain that there's a linkage.

D-Day writ a bit smaller

     It's even possible that Tom visited Inchon during his career as a matelot, although since the port is never mentioned in his novels, Conrad doubts this.
     Which raises another point.  In "V" we get to experience life on the island of Malta, detailed and accurate, and if Tom had been aboard a US Navy ship that trawled the Med in the later Fifties, would he not have been familiar with the George Cross Island?
     I'll get back to you on that.

"Tatterdemalion"
I've been trying to define this word all week, except it keeps getting pushed out of play by the other nonsense that crops up here on BOOJUM! for which I apologise.

     Okay, there's no entry in "Brewer's Dictionary of Phrase and Fable".  When your humble scribe tried to define it via a bit of Google-fu, we got no further forward.
      "A person of ragged appearance" is what it means, yet all I could find was a definition of the "Tatter" bit - "Rags".
     The rest sounds French, but it would take too long to research this whilst actually in the middle of entertaining/educating/illuminating the masses*.

We''re So English
Or, if you like, the polite way to get rid of flies.  Allow me to show you the Yellow Flyswatter at the Mansion, as used this afternoon in the kitchen:

     As you can see, the swatter bit has suffered quite a lot of what might be called "insect attrition".  This is for two reasons: i) the plastic is cheap, flimsy and friable ii) Conrad is horribly strong and also utterly clumsy.
     I suspect that the intention of the manufacturers was not to turn flies into bluey-black pulp, but rather - to get their attention.  One would politely, and Oh-so-Englishly, tap them on the shoulder with the flytapper, and then invite them to move on to pastures new.
     Well, it makes sense to me.

Relativistic Space Travel
When I say "relatavistic" it does not mean having to go on holiday to the Moon with your aunt who never stops talking and your uncle who never stops snoring.  We are instead talking about travel at, or near, the speed of light.
     Peculiar things happen when you get up to this MPH.  You elongate, for one thing, and time passes differently to you as it does to an observer back on stolid Planet Earth, and your mass changes**.
     Allow me, if you will, the single fiction film that today's Most Eminent Documentary Maker***, John Carpenter, made:

Dark Star!  Here we are!

     Allow me to post one of the most interesting song lyrics ever right here:

A million suns shine down

But I see only one

When I think I'm over you

I find I've just begun

The years move faster than the days

There's no warmth in the light

How I miss those desert skies

Your cool touch in the night

CHORUS:

Benson, Arizona, blew warm wind through your hair

My body flies the galaxy, my heart longs to be there

Benson, Arizona, the same stars in the sky

But they seemed so much kinder when we watched them, you and I

Now the years pull us apart

I'm young and now you're old

But you're still in my heart

And the memory won't grow cold

I dream of times and spaces

I left far behind

Where we spent our last few days

Benson's on my mind

     I know what you're thinking - "Jeez, how come the Dolphins did so badly?"  - what?
     I know what you're thinking ABOUT THE BLOG - "Jeez, how come Conrad is posting "drinkin' and cheatin'" country and western lyrics"?
     Wind your neck back in.  When you travel at relatavistic speed, as does the "Dark Star" spaceship, you experience time at a correspondingly slower rate.  Theoretically, you can be gone for 5 years whilst travelling up at Licht One, only to come back to planet Earth and discover that 50 years have gone by.  Herein the link that you may peruse:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eTa2vXL7FI8

     Bob Shaw wrote an interesting murder-mystery along these lines, except I can't remember what it was called.  I think the murder weapon was a "valency saw".

A Touch Of Norway
As you may recall, Conrad is about 6% Norwegian, probably detectable in his i) Height and ii) Handsomeness^.  Norway is indeed an awesome country, home to trolls, zombies and fjords.  The people are the very definition of Right On, and here is one of their favourite sweets:

Norwegian Pear Cake!

    This version is also Gluten Free.  Initially it did not look good, having almost marched out of the pan and with decided Burnt Edges.  With a little judicious trimming - hey humans can have plastic surgery why can't a cake? - it appeared as the above, not a bad outcome at all.

Yes Well!
Conrad is fond of the Finns.  They drink to excess, talk as little as possible and live in what is the next best thing to an open-air freezer for nine months of the year. Hence this generous offer:

How very generous!  I would expect nothing less

     Dear refugees - please acclimatise yourself by sitting in the freezer for 6 months, whilst drinking 180% vodka, and allowing mosquitoes to drink most of your blood before you consider this offer^^.


* Otherwise known as creating BOOJUM!
** Not useable as a method of dieting
*** Three Golden Bears, two Oscar nominations, a Hugo award and a Cannes Special Recognition Medal
^ Or lack of it.
^^ My application was in 6 months ago.

The "Enterprise" Is Telling Lies

Well It Is!
You can't tell me this thing will strike terror into the hearts of the Ferengi, let alone the Roumlans or the Borg.  No way.  Uh-uh.

You have to concede my point

     Nor is that all.  There's also the question of the crew.

Pretty.  But not dangerous

     If these preening pampered popinjays* had to go toe-to-toe with the Cardassians or the Klingons, they'd be dogfood in seconds flat.  Can you imagine it?  There they are, wielding their flintlock pistols and waggling swords around - apart from Troi, she's too weak for a sword and only gets a dagger - and they get picked off from a mile away by blaster/phaser/sonic annihilator.
     Oooh, I feel better after that rant!  Now, on with the motley!

Say Hello To My Not-So-Little Friend
I did mention the Coincidence Hydra yesterday, a metaphorical creature that emerges from the depths of causality to bite Conrad on the bum at least once per day.

Hydrangea.  Close enough.

NO! No it isn't, Art, you coal-chewing cretin - I warn you, the Tazer is right

Ah!  Better!

    "Regale us, Conrad," I can hear you calling**, "In your own inimitable way, about how coincidence converged chronologically upon you."
     Recall yesterday, if you will.  I kicked off the article about the Great British Bake Off by mentioning "runcible spoons".
     What did Wonder Wifey bring back from the Magic Shop in Ashton?

The middle one

     Why, naught but a runcible spoon!

"Vineland" By Thomas Pynchon
I've only read a few pages of this today, so the reality-bending effects haven't had a chance to take place***.  I did make a couple of notes yesterday, waiting for my haircut.  For example, what is "WPA"?  Mentioned without explanation, as if folks should know what it is.  As with "C.A.M.P." and "V.F.R.".
     Conrad, as you well know, is a pedant who enjoys reading the ingredients list on the back of lemonade bottles, so if Tom thought I wouldn't check up he is sadly mistaken.
     WPA = "Works Project Administration" - this was a US initiative to have the unemployed carry out construction of public works - roads, parks, dams or bridges - in return for a subsistence wage, back in the 1930's.
     CAMP = Campaign Against Marijuana Production.  A multi-agency task force that detected and destroyed marijuana crops in California, using lots of aircraft for spotting, which leads to -
     VFR = Visual Flight Rules -

There you are, VFR

     I am glad to have discovered a Wiki that analyses the works of TP, because there's a very peculiar passage on Page 268, where Frenesi hears tiny voices talking about card playing, coming from the nostrils of her sleeping lover;  when she attempts to investigate the creatures responsible vanish, leaving behind tiny playing cards that she inadvertently sneezes away.  TP finishes by saying that she'd heard the " - famous worms of song".
     What?

My New best friend

     Thankfully the Wiki explains that there is a famous children's song in America, going something like "The worms creep in, the worms creep out, the worms play pinochle^ on your snout."
     There.  So much clearer!

I See Where The Catch Is -
Please pay attention to the advert, not the large drunken bloke lying on a sofa in a karaoke parlour:
    

To the right, please.
"Get a new boiler for as little as £7 per week"

     O Rlly?  I notice they don't say how many weeks, do they? If for a single year, that's 52 weeks and £364.  On the other hand it might be for 10 years, thus 520 weeks and £3640.  Or - admittedly a little extreme - if it was for 50 years that would come to 2,400 weeks and a total of £18,200.

A Tad Redundant 
OR
Confusing English
Let me confess that yes, when I go and do the shopping I am always on the lookout for this or that with a name that can be twisted into a pun.  So -

But of course!

     And the "confusing English" bit is that there's no guide to pronunciation on the packet.  If you were from Somalia or Taiwan you might well think "How odd!  Are there such things, then, here in this peculiar island nation, as "Nasty biscuits?"
     That's because the pronunciation ought to be "Neese", after the town in the south of France.
     BOOJUM! - educating you one word at a time.

There, the word limit and time limit conspire against me today.  I'll be back later on with a whole load more wibble, scrivel and hipster swivel.

Tally ho!


* I think this is an insult.  It sounds like one!
** Then again, it might be the voices in my head.
*** Yet.
^ A card game

I Say Will Riker - You Look Like A Biker!

Well He Does!
Conrad is happy to bow to Colin's masterful knowledge of motorbikes, bikers and biking, yet he strongly suspects that this is what you'd look like if you tried rocking the world with your "Rebel Biker Who Don't Need No Stinkin' Helmet" look:

You've got to admit, Conrad has a point ...

     Shocking, Will, frankly shocking!  How can you let yourself and Starfleet down so badly in the presentation department?  I realise that you hail from an alternative reality infested with the Borg where humanity is an endangered species, but dammit man!  Standards, you know, standards!

"Salute Of Guns" By Donald Boyd
Hmmm, the author, I believe, is trying rather too hard to show how "artistic" and "poetic" he can be in this autobiography of his time as a gunner in the Royal Artillery during the First Unpleasantness.  Unlike "The Australian Victories In France", Boyd uses flowery rather than formal words to convey his experience.  Given that the unfortunate chap had two mental breakdowns during his period of service, one cannot critique him too harshly.  Still, it suffers by comparison with the excellent "A Passionate Prodigality" by Guy Chapman; Guy had the talent to put across his prose with wit and intelligence and not look as if he was showing off.

Gun Salute.  Close enough

Conrad's Night On The Tile
You're going to get the full experience, like it or not, in fact especially if you don't like it, for I am perverse that way.
    The background to this story is that Ian said his band were playing at the Soup Kitchen on Thursday evening.  Now, I happen to like his band (Claw The Thin Ice) and there were a couple of other acts on as well, but - and this is a "but" that comes in the shape of a twelve ton Public Service Vehicle - by the time the gig would be over I'd be at the mercy of First Bus and if, or when, one of their buses turned up, plus the prospect of a taxi home from Oldham Bus Station.
      So I got a room at Sasha's, brought a change of clothes and some toiletries and a full English breakfast on Friday morning.
     "Watch out for Sasha's," warned Ian.  "Some of the room's don't have windows."

Indeed not

      Although this means No Natural Light, it also means not having to hear the rowdy drunks fighting under your window at 2 a.m.

      The thing about the Soup Kitchen basement is that it's an utter pit.  Imagine an air raid shelter that has been emptied out, with a tin of paint being thrown over the walls.  Now take away the tin of paint.  The toilets are the grimmest I have ever seen and I only used them to get evidentiary photographs -

      It's certainly an achievement if you have to inform your patrons that what looks like a male urinal is, indeed, the sink.
     Also I heard a couple of girls mentioning a huge spider they'd seen, although as luck would have this was after my trip to the "toilet", or - Conrad being a huge coward - I would have been haunted by fear for the rest of the night.
     Enough pettifogging!  On with the gig -
     First up were Big Machine.  Big Machine, small combo, merely a guitarist and drummer.

No paint on the walls, but lots of funeral drapes.

     Not really Conrad's cup of tea*, they might be described as Gleefully Raucous Thrash. I couldn't understand a single shouted word, although it was great to see the guitarist fighting his guitar.  Or he could have been playing it, it was a bit hard to tell.  Still, it's great to see young people dealing with anger management issues via music.

     Next up were The Doctrines, a more conventional four piece.

Centre stage the bassist

     I could understand some of their words, and they weren't bad at all, with the bassist bouncing around like a human-shaped superball and making the most of a pretty small stage.

      Last up were the Claws, and if I'd had to go catch the bus I'd have missed the last couple of songs.  I knew the words to a couple of the songs.

Exciting rock and roll moments: setting up the kit

     Let me point out that the Claws let the Doctrines use their drum set.  A very tight set performance, which doesn't come out of nowhere; these chaps all have full time jobs and have to set time aside to rehearse, and it shows.

The Claws drumkit, with customised design

      Another thing about the Soup Kitchen is that it's not that large a venue but they have a whacking big PA system, so my hearing was up the river until the middle of Friday morning.
      So there you are.  Immortal rock 'n' roll journalism, or what passes for it in my head.

 A Bit Of Inventory
Whilst having lunch with Katie and Stephen, the latter was reckless enough to ask what got included in the blog, so I read out a list that seemed to amuse them.  One part of the list was "BOOJUM!S Pet** List", which I reproduce for your delectation:
1)  Tony the Ten Ton Terror Toad (he squashes people)
2)  Clarissa the Cannibal Combat Chicken (she eats people)
3) Frank the Ferociously Farting Frog (he gasses people)
4) The Coincidence Hydra (bites Conrad on the bum at least once per day)
5) Wally the Weasel (he gets more "W" words added to his title each time)
6) Frockodile (you'll die laughing)

*In the ground floor bar I had a verrrry nice pint of "Marble Arch" - an Indian Pale Ale infused with Earl Grey tea.  
** When I say "pet" I mean "Terrifying and dangerous killer animals that hate humans".  Okay?