BOOJUM!'s Been A Busy Boy

... After the 11 o'clock start, that is ...
     I slept in - because I can.  It being my holiday.

Book
     Back to those logic puzzles - did two of the complex ones - and did them right!


As close to a high five that Mr Spock will ever give me.

Cook
     I prepared a Spanish Potato Bake, ready for tomorrow, and then made Potato Gnocchi, again for tomorrow.  There was a minor saga about the Chelsea Buns.  These use an enhanced dough and the yeast has to be right up there performing 100% thanks to the egg and butter and dried fruit in the dough. 
     After 30 minutes Conrad's yeast, sugar and water mixture stubbornly refused to froth.  I checked the yeast's tin: "Best before October - 2009".  Oops.  I checked the other two tins of dried yeast sat at the back of the cupboard - "Best Before March 20033".  Oops again. Quick trip to Morrison's later, the yeast is frothing away.  Hooray!  The only question - do these go to the ganterpies at work - or remain within the crenelated walls of BOOJUM!'s ancient pile?

Chelsea Buns; Conrad's first leavened bake in about 5 years. He's pretty gruntled*.

Television
     As you know by now, Conrad does not watch much television.  Doctor Who, Mythbusters, and the Great British Bake-Off - which was on  tonight.  I confess to not having heard of several of the technical challenge products, and what the heck is "spelt"?
"A relict crop", says the internet.  Hmmm.  When looking at my kitchen after the Buns, I realised that the Bake Off contestants must have a flock of little helpers who come in and wash up during and after the bake.

Something along these lines, except less sinister ...

The Fools!  Why Won't They Listen!
     Conrad - and BOOJUM! - are both dedicated to the survival of Hom. Sap.  Why then do our pleas fall on deaf ears?  Clearly Skynet is only a few years away from actualisation, and James Cameron is obviously from the future since he predicted what was going to happen in the "Terminator" documentary series.
     My evidence??

     http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/technology-24427821

Compelling proof! 

Atomic Fusion or "Will Man's Sun Ever Shine?"
     The "Sun" in question being a fusion reactor, not the tatty tabloid newspaper.  It would be great if we could get an artificial sun going, the UK government would have dibs on it immediately to avoid years like 2011 and 2012.  The question in the title was posed years and years ago in the Gruaniad, IIRC, and was answered rather negatively.
     Think again, Garunidan.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/science-environment-24429621

Not quite there yet - but we might make it before the rise of Skynet!

 I know the clown's using a catapult and not his fist, but I did promise David would end up on the receiving end of some physical mischief.

Pip pip!

I Frolic in Logic

Yes indeed
     As you are painfully aware, Conrad got hold of a Logic Puzzle book a short while ago.  His aged brain proved - proved not bad at solving them, actually.  You, dear reader, are no more surprised at this than Conrad himself.  An illustration may help -

Note notebook at left with corrections for veracity

 This type is easy - relatively so, anyway.

The triple-highlighter mark of SUCCESS!

This type is a lot harder - as you can see the permutations are substantially increased.  One tick or cross in the wrong square means you'll end up completely wrong at the end.  After ninety minutes you want to have it correct!  And no, Conrad does not cheat by looking at the answers, for that way lies only madness.

Bakery Cakery
     Actually a bit of fakery - this cake is a Vegetable Cake, more a kind of crustless quiche.  I made it to use up some of our excess potatoes.  No!  I hate throwing food out.  It riled me that I needed to bin a bit of ham block this morning, but it did have a splendid harvest of moulds growing on it.  Then I whizzed up some coleslaw at the request of Wifey, and made a batch of "Sloppy Joes", which is a kind of low-sauce mince stew eaten in a roll or sandwich - American , don't you know.  I also got in some chorizo for Spanish potatoes tomorrow.

Presto, Vegetable Cake

Gutta Percha
     Today's language lesson concerns "Gutta percha", which I have read about in various Victorian-era novels and stories.  I never understood exactly what it was until thirty seconds ago, when the mighty internet informed me that it's a form of latex derived from the sap of the Malayan percha tree. Widely used until synthetic plastics displaced it, and apparently golf balls with a gutta-percha core were the bee's knees, elbows, wrists and other joints.

Golf ball - or Fylingdales Moor Ballistic Missile Early Warning System?  Only you can decide!

That hammer is still on the table - I wonder if BOOJUM!'s bespoke carpenter, the hard hog, left it there?

Time to go!

Ormolu Dithyramb

Yes indeed!
     I'm not sure if you can have an ormolu dithyramb, Valentina, and the only connection they have is that both words* popped into my rubbish-tip mind whilst brewing a pot of loose-leaf Darjeeling.
     "Ormolu", it transpires, is the gold-plating of knick-knacks that are left around to impress the neighbours.  Useless to Conrad - he has no neighbours.
     "Dithyramb" is a wild bacchanalia in honour of Dionysus. Imagine a rave fuelled by wine not drugs, two and a half thousand years ago.  Yeah, right - drink, dancing, no contraceptives - what could possibly go wrong?


Dancing or unarmed combat? - only you can decide.  Respect the chap eating two kebabs simultaneously.

The Fools!  Don't They Realise!
     A few blogs ago I warned about the imminent rise of Skynet and it's hideous Terminator armies.  I only see further evidence of Hom. Sap. about to be crushed beneath the metallic heels of our robot overlords, to wi:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/science-environment-24400101

Self-flying aircraft, memory metals - I tell you, dear reader, we ought to start buying in all the plasma rifles we can get.  Phased ones, of course, 40 watt preferably.

"Still trying to fight the future, Conrad?  And yes, we are watching you ..."

Ice Cream Theme
     Last time I made Avocado and Coconut it was rather bland and not sweet enough.  This time I intend to use three avodadoes and more sugar, and probably more vodka, too - the last batch was too hard.  Then we shall see!  I've been wondering about making a toffee-swirl type but am unsure how hot caramel will affect the custard base.  Suck it and see, I suppose.

So - Tanks?
     Here we have the F1 of tanks, the CVRT Scorpion

Seen on rear: DON'T TAILGATE

Combat Vehicle Reconnaissance Tracked if you must know.  This baby can do over 50 mph on the roads but it's MPG is a bit low.  On the other hand, it can create a parking space out of other cars, so swings and roundabouts.

* I just put this in to see if you were still paying attention.  You are.  Have a biscuit.

Today I Have Been Mostly - Logicking

Logic puzzles, damn them!
     I've managed to make a complete hash of one, and get another completely right today.  My average is now about 50/50 - either the puzzles are getting harder or Conrad's brain is in a trough.  Attempting to do them whilst falling asleep is definitely a no-no, too.
Brain not work tired.

Serendipity - it rhymes with "BOOJUM!"

Nine Day Wonder
     Today being the first of nine day's leave.  I have to use it up before April next year, and by March everyone will be trying to use their leave up, too, making it difficult to take.
     Any plans, you ask?  Well no.  Apart from having a lie-in every morning because I can, and frittering the day away doing logic puzzles because I can, and reading my tottering mountain of books bec - you get the gist of it.  At some point I shall have to paint The Hovel's third wall, and dab a little extra over the other two, but because time's not tight I don't have to schedule it.  I know this lacksadaisical attitude will annoy you, dear reader, you who expects efficiency in everything; well, up your kilt with a wee wire brush*!

Last Night's Tapping In The Cellar
     A big sigh of relief, the giant carnivorous moles hadn't returned.  No, this time it was land-travelling sharks.  They needed a baseline re-set for their GPS tunnelling system, which had been sent wonky by all the old mine-workings under Rochdale.  Nice chaps, but their smiles were rather frightening.  I did have the guard hog and the hard hog to back me up, the hard hog with his carpentry tools looking especially hard**.

' "Land-mobile sharks"?  What a ridiculous concept!'

Nook
     I've started reading "The Lost Worlds of 2001", a screed by that doyen of science-fiction, Arthur C. Clarke.  A very interesting look into the creative process at work in manufacturing a film and a novel simultaneously.  I must dust off my plans for a screenplay of "The Kraken Wakes", which has been sitting <thinks?  where is it?> around for almost as long as the hex-and-counter wargame, but for less time than the zombie novel.

Cover artwork by Bruce Pennington - I bloody love his work.

Book
     There's another seven mil. hist. books to be added to my long list of books already gotten hold of.  I should have typed them up last night, but do you know what?  I'm on leave, so (rude gesture) to "should"!

So - Tanks?
     Well yes.  On Monday, when you swan off to work in your air-conditioned saloon, consider the driver below:

Bit cramped, eh?  He's also sitting directly in front of the OPEN engine so he can't hear anything else.  The temperature will be swelteringly hot, and there's a lot of carbon monoxide fumes wafting about.  There isn't any road, only a terrain composed of mud and barbed wire.  On top of that, unkind people are shooting at him!

* A genuine saying of my grandma
** He was the stunt double in "Razorback" you know.

I have to go watch "The Dirty Dozen", so goodnight fellow Hom. Sap. !!!

BOOJUM! - Powered by Marmite and (Stale) Bread

The Breakfast of Champions
     Don't knock Conrad's breakfast diet - stale* bread dunked in a cup of hot Marmite, washed down with a serving of ice-cream, chased with a tin of sardines in tomato sauce.  I  have only had one day off sick in the past eighteen months - how about you?

Noooo!  The horror!  The horror!  Only as a drink!

A Return to Normality
     I beg your pardon for no Blog yesterday - not only did I work late, I managed to make a gluten-free Victoria Sponge before departing for the pub quiz, where we won**!
     Fortunately this delay has allowed the guard hog to replace all the plates our Greek entertainers destroyed, and his brother the hard hog (a skilled carpenter) has carpentered together three new tables.  I have sold the Siberian wolves on to an itinerant fur pedlar, who is going to recycle them***  The bad news it that the Battle of Britain flight were not using blank ammunition, and Rochdale Council is looking for compensation - something to do with roof slates being shot to bits.  Also, some angry farmer was ranting up and down the road about his cows being -

"Is it safe to come out?"

"Wheat's back on the menu, boys!"
     Almost a quote from "Lord Of The Rings", except Mister Uruk-Hai is wrong, for today I served a wheat-free chocolate cake and (as above) a wheat-free Victoria Sponge.  Rarely has cake whizzed off the plate with such speed - I arrived and posted an e-mail message about what cakes were available just after 9:00 a.m. and by 10:15 all cake was gone.  Not only gone, but enjoyed immensely by all who ate.

"Which suicidal f#@**!  scarfed my Lemongrass and Poppyseed Brioche!"

    
Kill the Kindle - Buy A Book!
     As anyone who walks city-centre Manchester knows, this is the motto of the second-hand book stall opposite the Arndale entrance.  Conrad, of course, is a regular customer.  Not only is there some fascinating antique stock on view, the other stock is also rotated regularly, including some for only £1 each.  Today I bought "Battles With Model Soldiers" by Donald Featherstone, a volume I originally owned 40 years ago -

Conrad as a small (but very very serious) child

Excuse me, there's a tapping noise from the cellar.  Either that long-delayed party from Colditz have arrived, or the giant moles are back - either way I have to go investigate.

Toodle Pip!

* Of course stale - fresh bread gets too soggy.
** We shall have to now lose for several months, or risk ostracism
***  Pedlar, pedals, re"cycle" oh it's not funny if you have to explain it ...

Tonight!

Lights!  Cameras!  Volcanoes!
     I apologise for last night's rather insipid BOOJUM!  Tonight, to make up for it, I have dismissed the jazz quartet and sent the music harpsichord & spinet players home.  The guard hog is back in his basement (eating a burglar), and in place of the musicians - we have a Greek dancing group who have broken two tables with their teeth alone.  Barely a plate remains intact in the house*. 
     Outside a pack of specially-imported Siberian wolves are variously howling at the moon, deterring burglars and making passers-by nervous.
     The piece de resistance tonight will a flyover at rooftop level by the Battle of Britain flight.  Don't worry - that ammunition is all blanks!

The wolves in Conrad's back garden, getting their shizzle on whilst it's still daylight.

    Tom Clancy :{
     I read one of his novels once.  All I remember is that it was two inches thick and could have been edited to an inch without losing anything.  Presumably he got paid by the word and editors were scared of offending him.

An Editor writes: "Conrad - you are wrong!  This is a Clancy MSS before editing!"

Baking Experiment #1
     As a side-venture, I have attempted a gluten-free chocolate cake tonight.  The substitute for flour was - chick-peas!  It looks fine, if not risen as a wheat flour cake would.
     It's not cool enough to eat yet, and the Greeks are eyeing it curiously, so I shall hike it away to the Dangerous Things Lockable Cupboard**.

Volcanoes!
     In fact, Supervolcanoes!


No, not a child's painting.  That's Eden Patera - a region of Mars.

That greyish blob mid-picture is the collapsed remnant of a supervolcano on Mars.

Supervolcano on EarthThere!  Exciting enough for you?

So - Tanks?
     Certainly!  Hopefully this picture fits tonight's theme of Overdoing It Big-Time.

Scads of the armoured raascals!

Having destroyed five tables and all my plates, the Greeks are departing in a stretch-Morris Minor for the airport and a gig in Heraklion.  Kali Nicta Efzones!


*  I'm not worried - the guard hog is a gifted potter.
** Away from the radio-isotopes, of course!

Of Baking, and Saturn, and Storms

Tuesday - The Great British Bake-Off
     Today there were only 6 of the originals left, coping with increasingly difficult challenges - choux pastry and Religeuses.  Choux pastry!  I hardly ever bake with it because it's such mincing awful stuff.  Not only that, they were in the Technical challenge bit, so - little in the way of depth in the instructions. And then puff pastry - and mille feuilles.  Tricky stuff.  Tricky stuff against the clock with the judges strolling around being  - judgemental.  How glad I am to sit, drink tea and watch rather than be involved.

Not a Blanket - pastry being prepared.

Those Damn Logic Puzzles!
     I'm up to number 27 out of over 300, managing about two of every three.  Conrad finds the challenge interesting, if not a little beguiling.  A success inspires wanting to manage just another one - and then it's half ten at night.
     Is there time for one last - No!  There's a blog to get through!

Too Much Logic Puzzle: the awful consequence

Next Time It Rains
     Just think of those poor unfortunates on Saturn.  Herewith the link:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/science-environment-22351048

A storm as big as Europe?  And it looks like one of the lower depths of Hades.  Even though it's cold.  Very very cold.

Ah, nearly eleven o'clock.  Conrad - unlike you whippersnappers - needs his beauty sleep.  Farewell!